Chat and Palmer Show 68 He’s Back!!!!
Episode Summary
Episode 68 of A Cigar Hustler's Podcast's "Chet and Palmer Show" marks Chet's long-awaited return after a two-week absence battling COVID. He and co-hosts Palmer and Big D catch up on lingering post-COVID fatigue, beard and hair growth, and how the show stayed on the rails while he was gone, along with a quick plug for the crew's photographer (Instagram: smoke_this_) who was on hand shooting "glamour shots" of the hosts.
The happy hour pour is Left Hand Brewing Company's Peanut Butter Milk Stout (6.2% ABV), which the crew tastes and debates — most agree it's rich and Reese's-like but slightly over-carbonated with an odd bitter finish. Shop talk includes a mention of Jeffrey Groover visiting the lounge, a new HVC Cigars release arriving in a green box, and the note that HVC's Reinier Lorenzo now rolls at his own factory — news that apparently caught "Regent Greg" by surprise.
The "Dear Chet and Palmer" segment tackles a letter from a husband who says his wife's sex drive outpaces his own and he feels like a bad partner; the hosts assure him mismatched libido is normal post-honeymoon and encourage him to stay an active participant rather than checking out. The main topic is funeral planning — step-by-step guidance for planning your own service versus someone else's, including interment choices (burial, cremation, donation, burial at sea), why burials can run $10,000–$40,000 versus under $1,000 for cremation, pre-need deposits and price locks, leaving written instructions for family, and Chet's story of his father's funeral home shopping trip versus the letter he actually left behind.
The episode closes with listener questions on childhood punishments, doggy funerals, dream custom coffins (Chet wants a curved LED TV in the lid), and a rapid-fire speed round covering pet peeves, favorite decades, bull riding in downtown Orlando, and cat ownership.
In This Episode
- 01Chet's Return After COVIDChet is back after two weeks out sick, comparing notes on lingering post-COVID symptoms, gray beards and growing his hair out.
- 02Happy Hour: Left Hand Peanut Butter Milk StoutThe crew pours and reviews Left Hand Brewing's 6.2% Peanut Butter Milk Stout, praising the Reese's-like flavor but knocking the heavy carbonation and bitter finish.
- 03Shop Talk: Jeffrey Groover Visit and New HVCA quick industry update on Jeffrey Groover stopping by, a new HVC Cigars release in a green box, and Reinier Lorenzo now producing at his own factory.
- 04Dear Chet and Palmer: Mismatched Sex DrivesA listener letter from a husband whose wife wants intimacy more often than he does, and the hosts' advice on staying engaged in the marriage.
- 05Main Topic: Planning Your Own FuneralA step-by-step walkthrough of interment choices, estimating costs, naming someone to carry out your wishes and putting it all in writing.
- 06Burial vs. Cremation CostsWhy a traditional burial can run $10,000 to $40,000 while cremation comes in under a grand, plus pre-need deposits, price locks and funeral home hard sells.
- 07Listener QuestionsChildhood punishments, whether a dog deserves a proper funeral, and designing your dream custom coffin.
- 08Shit Show Speed RoundRapid-fire answers on pet peeves, favorite decades, live bull riding at a downtown Orlando bar, and becoming a cat guy.
Brands & Cigars Discussed
Linked items are in our shop. Mentions without a link aren’t currently stocked or couldn’t be matched with confidence.
Transcript
Welcome to the Chet and Palmer Show with Big D and the Drake, ladies and gentlemen, Chet is back! Chad is back. Chad is back. Chad is back.
Partly back. Partly, partly back. Three quarters, three quarters back. So, it's nice to have you back, Chaddy.
I missed you guys. Yeah, we missed you. I'm sorry. I love Palmer, but it wasn't the same.
I know. I know. I could hear it in your voice. All right, let's get the business out of the way.
I needed some Cheddar Bob. Wait, I just hit the wrong button over here. All right, you two can be part of our podcast, Family Bank Investing in our show or any of the shows on the Hustler University. We'll see you next time.
have a lighter like holy shit this is not cool i know where one is for handy but the intro yeah but i just did it i get to use this oh it always plays it plays like oh we just kind of let it go we just let it go now we don't even care anymore i get so use a saint du pont regalus jet with the tales of your woes well well that is still playing just let me tell you getting covid is a mother It's been a while since I've been able to enjoy enjoy a nice cigar and I'm still kind of dealing with some some some things some fuckery some issues these but it's I can I can honest I'll be honest with you ever since I got COVID the first time right and I never felt right after that even with my vaccines and all that stuff right but I'm I'm telling you, it's like, ever since then, I'm just a sick old man. I think what it is, is it just a coincidence that you have reached the age and the... It all came barely down. The age and the Vaseline at the same time.
The age and the vaccines at the same time. Because now, welcome to my world. You do have more gray in your beard, Chet. Everything is white.
He's grown it in, it looks good, I like it. Yeah, I like it too. Keep it going. Keep it going.
I haven't shaved mine in two weeks either, and I'm just sort of letting it go for the winter, I think. Remember that you're getting your winter coat in? Yeah, maybe not the entire one. I haven't got a haircut either, driving Adrian crazy.
I'm like, you know what, my hair's been short for 55 years. It looks like a senior Palmer. Yeah. Well, I told her, I'm gonna let it go, 'cause I can't.
Today was driving me crazy, 'cause it was hot and everything, but... I'm gonna let it go as long as I can. It looks good on you. I've never had long hair, ever.
I mean, I don't want, like, Fabio hair. I was gonna say, how long would it actually grow? I don't know. Would it be...
'Cause it's so used to... Would it be long and luscious? I would imagine it wouldn't. His hair is like fantastic, I'm just gonna say it right now, like, it's so light and soft and fluffy.
Yeah, when I cut my, I get compliments all the time when the women cut my hair. Yeah. I believe it. For the color and the texture and stuff.
Yeah. Your hair is amazing, I'm like, well, don't tell me about it, don't touch my hair. You're a very svelte man, very svelte man. Yeah, just from the neck up.
Yeah. I can see you, I just inhaled smoke, I can see you coming in with your hair long and luscious, and the air kicks on, and it just blows, and it just blows, and Big D is sitting there just like. Drooling. Just totally drooling.
Like, as you walk by, just like, what the fuck is that? Who is that? Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God.
Oh, my Lord. Yeah. But? I don't think I'd be able to control myself anymore.
I'm sure you'd be fine. Me, on the other hand, never ever worry about it. I have no air. Don't like it.
Even if I had it, I'd cut it off. You adjusted your hat, and you haven't shaved your head either. I did not shave my head. I've been, okay, two weeks I've been sick, which equals lazy.
Right, right. Which equals laying around all day, which equals sore, beyond sore. My legs, everything's killing me. So, is it hair, or is there like a, you look like Larry from the Three Stooges?
Imagine putting this hat on, and the friction of this part just getting rid of everything else. So, is it just like Larry from Three Stooges now? Is it really? Sort of, but not really.
Let it go, too. Let it go, too. So, one year for Halloween, I went as a perverted priest, and I had the whole brown robe and the cross, and I had the big wang thing that would pop up, And I did my hair like that. Oh, you might want to find that.
So I shaved the inner bowl of my head. Oh my God. Yeah. And Becky took brown paint or hair paint and sprayed the outside part.
So it was really noticeable. Right. Months, that shit wouldn't come out. Months?
For months. Even if I shaved my head, it still stained my skin. So I had this- That stuff is no joke. I had this perma bowl.
So that's why I wear hats all the time anyway, because, you know, it is what it is. You know, they say, oh, if you wear hats all the time, you're going to lose, your hair's going to fall. That's not true. My hair fell out.
And then you wore hats. I started wearing hats. My hair was falling out. But before then, I never wore a hat.
But yeah, so I've been sick and feeling like turd, and I've missed you guys. I've listened. We've missed you too. You've done well, keeping the podcast going.
keeping it going yes keeping the dream alive and not killing each other that's the biggest thing she did enjoy sitting in the big chair hold on what you didn't listen to the video because I'm driving when I'm listening she sat in the big chair there man it's okay I kind of miss being next to you Palmer and then we also it feels kind of weird being over there having this long arm in between you and him Palmer you're a huge The big boom-a-wang is in my way. We even tried, we had four cameras last week. Mm-hmm. Damn.
There was one, like, right here. Yeah, so with less people, Mike and I found this out on the other show, with less people, we put one on either end of the desk, so your single shot is more of a close-up. Gotcha. Now, your shot tonight actually looks good.
It's, you know, over there, so. How you doing? I hope you keep the beard, Chad. It fits you very well.
So, surprisingly, the other day, I had it, and Becky was like, you need to just, or I said, you know what, I need to line myself up, because back in the day, she hated my beard, she hated all of it, so I started shaving. Keep it clean. So, I started shaving, like raw, and she liked it that way, so then the other day, I was like, man, I really need to shave, I'm starting to look like a barbarian, and she was like, just line it up. " Yeah, controlled.
" I can't have birds living in it like Peter Griffin did in Family Guy. Oh, the little bird was in it. " If everybody sees a gentleman step in front of the camera every now and then, we're taking glamour shots. Yes, glamour shots.
You know, we're kind of a big deal. We need some professional photographs. Yeah. Trying to step up the game, you know.
And who else to have better than Stevie too? That's right. What's the photography thing? He's the official photographer for the Mike and Mike Productions.
Nice. You want to plug Steve? What's the name of your photo thing? I don't have a name for it.
Boom. How do they find you? You got to know him. Instagram.
Instagram. Smoke this. Yeah. Well, what is it exactly?
Yeah, it's on Instagram. Yeah, it's on Instagram, I don't even have to look. Yeah, right. Yeah, it's smoke_this_.
Smoke_this_. Smoke_this_. Boom. And then you can hit him up, he does excellent photographs.
Awesome photos, actually. Amazing. I'm hoping he makes me look a little thinner, a little bigger, a little tighter. You know, tighten it up a little bit.
Hey, there you go. Tighten it up a little bit, you know, do a little pfft and a little pfft. Well, can you drink on your assorted medications? Yesterday was my last day.
Oh, so no more medicine now. Yeah, Cipro was for seven days. Oh, I got a little something special for today. So I thought you and I would really enjoy it.
Ooh, happy, happy, happy, happy. We've done her the last two weeks with the rum. Ouch, yeah. I mean, don't get me wrong.
You were smashing the rum. Oh, yeah. No, she was smashed on the rum. No, I know.
Yeah, that too. She was trying to get you smashed, but it takes a lot more to get... I know, I figured that out. Did you listen to last week's Patreon where I played...
I haven't listened to the Patreons yet. Oh, I played How Drunk Is Danielle with her. Okay. 1, which is the bottom level of legally drunk.
0. After all of that. 0. 0.
Made her incredibly upset. Listen, the guy has the inner bloodstream of a very young... Buck. Buck, you know?
Yeah. It is what it is. I mean, I would be... I want to know where all that blood's going.
It's gotta be going somewhere. It's gotta be going somewhere. Jeez. Do you want to put that out in front of you, young lady?
Yeah. We're kicking here. Tonight we're drinking Peanut Butter Milk Stout from Left Hand Brewing Company. Rhythm & Blues, Batman & Robin, Peanut Butter & Chocolate.
These classic duos never go out of style. Enter Peanut Butter Milk Stout. We took the pure milk chocolate bliss of our classic milk stout and added peanut buttery goodness. It's like an adult peanut butter cup you can drink.
It's rich and decadent on the palate and luscious lingers into a nutty, dry finish. A perfect pair you'll want to share. 2 alcohol by volume Let's see, we got our stout glasses It is What do I give you all the malt and hops Everything for it Black toast, peanuts, nobody have a problem with peanuts in here Nobody's ordering peanuts Look at that Alright, Chet, you got a toast for us Two of my favorite food groups Peanut butter and peanut butter cups Okay, just make sure it's right I do have a toast Do you want to do the old Oh, we got it We got it, we got it, you're on, you're on, you're on, you're in. It's not my first night.
No, no, no, not your first, or do you? Not at all. Oh, it's perfect, we can both have two. Leave it on the table.
Oh, the cans are okay, cans are okay. Are you sure? Yeah, yeah, yeah. Sure.
It's been so long, I wonder if I can... You still got this. If I can drum it up. Welcome to the Chet and Palmer, with Big D Show Happy Hour!
Grab your server, order your favorite drink, and let's get Kurok up in his peace! Better than ever, Chet. Better than ever. Well, that's good.
That is quickly. And always, the Chet and Palmer Happy Hour is brought to you. American Property Solutions, 386-837-9245. Ask for Hammy the Hammer.
Hammy, Hammy, Hammy. We need your glasses. The young lady needs your glasses. Oh, yes, yes.
Take the Powstanie glass over there. Thank you. Yes, ma'am. They're not sponsors.
I probably shouldn't have said their name. Postanya? Yeah. Yeah, probably.
They owe us 10 grand now. I took those from them first. So Regent Greg texted me today and goes, what's the number for the last episode? I'm like, it's the last one to talk.
Yeah, he was listening to it. Is that what it was? Oh, he's trying to get some info. He was listening to it.
Thank you, guy and man. Appreciate you, sir. Well, that's because today Jerry Groover was in. Aw.
Jeffrey Groover? Jeffrey Groover, yeah. Oh, here, this is the rest of yours. Oh, yes.
And the new HVC came in today. HVC Cigar, it's in a green... Oh, another one? Yeah.
So he's telling... Two more. Well, the 500 we've had before. Yeah, but this one is like a different size or something.
Oh. So anyway, Jeff's telling Greg about, well, Lorenzo rolled the green, the green box went at his factory. That's the first ones come out of his factory. " I go, "Greg, it happened like almost a year ago.
" So maybe now he's gonna go, "Maybe I should listen to Bucket. Because now I look stupid. " Oh, poor Greg. Alright, sir.
Let's leave the cigars to Mike and let him do the very busy stuff. Alright, here we go. Here's to a long life and a happy one, a quick death and an easy one, a good girl and her not being the reason for your long life ending quickly in death. Wow, that was a long speech.
Okay, I don't want to like spill it. That's all right. And welcome back, Chad. Thank you guys.
Welcome back, Chad. Now this may go straight to my bloodstream, so I don't know, we'll see, but hey. Oh, if it does, if you have to leave suddenly, we understand. Wow.
It's so good. This is good. Now, it's got carbonation or something. If it wasn't carbonated, I think it would be better.
And it's very thin for a stout. It is thin. That's what I like about it. It's not that heavy.
I thought it was going to get all thick and like all up in my, because I couldn't drink milk or dairy on that Cipro stuff because it like gets you all googly. It is very carbonated though. That's the only bad thing about it. That's the only bad thing about it.
Other than that, it's really good. I like it. Oh, you're taking a picture of your glass. Oh, I like that.
I'm taking a picture of my glass. That is absolutely delicious, man. That is good. That is good.
Let's see how it pairs with this here, Agnor Salif. Is this a Nicopuro, or it just says Nicaragua on it? I don't know. It's good, whatever it is.
All right, we're going to move on with the Dear Chet and Palmer. Mmm. We have a very good letter this week. Let's help these kind folks.
They need us. All right, Dear Chet and Palmer. Mm-hmm. My wife and I have been married for almost three years, and together for almost nine.
We've been through our share of ups and downs and I love being with her, however, we don't have sex too often and I think it's taken a toll on the both of us. We used to do it a lot more often when we were in college, but with the new house, a dog, and our jobs, we're both usually too tired to rise to the occasion. Now, this is before you and I had our talk chat, so I still find my wife attractive and vice versa, but I think her sex drive is so high that she tries to coax me into it when I'm not feeling all that ready. She constantly flirts with me whenever I decide I feel like a bad husband for not making her feel good.
Am I a bad guy or should I try harder? I want our marriage to be great and eventually start a family, so please help would be great. Wait, we've been married for three. Oh, only married for three.
Okay. Well, they said they didn't have a family. " So, just to summarize, this man and his wife, she wants sex more than he does, and he feels bad. Sure.
So, um, oh, signed. Has it always been? Well, you don't know. Signed, mediocre husband.
We can only go by what he said. Wait, wait, wait, wait. He did say something. We don't have sex too often.
I think it started. Oh, no. I guess it's always been that way. Hmm.
However, we don't have sex too often, and I think it's taken a toll on the both of us. Oh, no. We used to do it a lot more often when we were in college. So, since they've been married.
Right. No sex. I feel like that's like a part of marriage, though. I think that happens.
I do. What? It's like, you know, once you get married, you know, you have sex, like, you know, the honeymoon stage of like the marriage. Things do tend to calm down eventually.
Life gets in the way, you're both busy, you've got things to do. And I think you get to the point where you're, you're just happy being with that person. So it's like, it's like before you just want in it, want in it, want in it, want in it. And then it's like, you don't see each other every single day.
Right. I mean, like you're in college, you're sneaking it, you're doing it in the dorm room, in the library. Sure. Wherever else it happens to be.
But then when it's there all the time... Yeah. It does. It does get...
It becomes, hate to say it, less important. Right. Maybe she should invest in toys. Well, you're always with the toys.
I'm just saying... I agree. That would just take care of her, not him. Yeah, but if he's not feeling it...
He should invest in the toys. He feels bad because he's not making her feel good. Right. Yeah, so she should get the toys.
He should get the toys. He should get the toys. Why? He should go get them for them.
Because he's the one who's not doing what he should be doing. I agree with Palmer on this one. He should go out. Not toys for her to use by herself.
Yeah, things that he can do. If he's having problems with the equipment. Sure. Go get a substitute of equipment.
Well, yeah. And then you man the equipment. You hold the whatever. Yeah, don't just take it and throw it on the bed and be like, here.
There you go. Go at it. I'm going to go watch the game. I'm going to go drink beer and watch football.
Right. I might clean my hunting boots off so I can get ready to go hunting. It's a little big black one like you always say you want, so there you go. There you go.
I think that she should have one just for her own time. She should. She might. Who knows?
Yeah. So, but I don't think he should feel bad. When he's out there watching the game, she should go sit in the chair next to him and just start... Yeah, there you go.
See, I know, like most guys are, I get it, I know I'm the exception to the rule, but most guys are like, oh my god, if I just find a wife or a girlfriend that just wants to do it all the time, oh yeah, that's just, they don't exist. There's not one of those. They do exist, but even if you got one, after a while, you're like, yo, calm down. Right.
Calm down a little. Like, can we, you know, like, I'm not just a piece, I'm not a slab of meat. If we're having a good week, it's been three times, I'm like, you know, we don't have to again tomorrow, honey, I'm probably fine. It's okay.
I'm not a young man anymore. Right. It takes a lot of work. It does.
Blood pressure goes up, you get a... Right. Things happen. little charlie horse and the leg and muscles in your ass are all tight because you know the dog's licking your big toe and you're like what the hell is that the door opens up and the light gets turned on what are you guys doing and knock on the door hey what are you guys hungry what are you but you know how many things happen five minutes long enough junior i keep threatening one day i'm just gonna just leave the door open and just walk around the house just i don't even care Walk around naked?
And my mom's like, I don't give a shit, I used to wash that thing back when I was little, I don't give a damn, I'm like, all right, whatever. Right, yeah, you've got nobody you can really embarrass by walking around. Right, yeah, no, no one in my household would be embarrassed at all. No.
Not at all. Rick's got one too, so he don't care. Yeah, he's like, whatever. Your mother has seen her before, so.
Yeah, yeah. You know, even if Becky walked around naked, it'd be the same thing. Rick is, I used to give you a bath, your mother's like, same thing I got, I don't know. Maybe Ava, do it when Ava has friends over.
No, then you're the weird guy. Oh, you know, then you're the weird guy. Then he's really that perverted guy. Yeah, then I'm the weird guy.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. Did you get the knock in the door? She's already 10, so she's getting to the age where... Did you ask your husband to wear underwear at least?
Yeah, no. She's already getting to that age where I embarrass her now, so it's like... Aww. " Like, "Oh, I know it.
" Wait till you get out this truck and I roll the windows down. Yeah, I love you, boo! Yeah, I do, too. I'm like, bye, baby!
You have a good day, boo-boo! And she's just like... Daddy loves you! Walk a dog.
Daddy loves you! Ava, Ava Atwell! Ava Atwell! Daddy loves you, darling!
I'm gonna get one of those speaker, the horns, with the talking toffee thingy, so I can just be like... Right. Calling Ava! Calling Ava!
This is your father! I love you, Booger Butt! Love you! Oh, Booger Butt!
Yeah, that'll go over well with the Booger Butt! She'll just get tormented the rest of her life throughout school. "Oh, look, it's Booger Butt! " She looks like she can take care of herself.
She could if she did, if she would let loose, because I've taught her how to punch, like really punch, not just the little like me, jab jab, uppercut, like take her out type thing, but she's very docile. She's very, very mellow. Yeah. So, but I would tell this, uh, I would tell this fella, I would tell him that, uh, don't down yourself, calling yourself mediocre husband.
It happens, happens to the best of, of, of fellas. Um, but if she needs it, you better give it to her cause there's some one way or another cause she's going to get it somewhere else. She's going to get it somewhere else. I don't know if that's always how it works.
It works. Eventually, if it goes for time and long. Eventually, if it doesn't do it at all. Yeah.
Well, that's kind of sucky. It still smells like a Reese. Yeah, I still have the aftertaste. Yeah.
And it hit me pretty quick already. Like, I'm already like, woo woo! Might have to do, how drunk is Chet? How drunk is Chet?
Oh, that would be fun. Yeah, but he uses one of the things in the bottle and we wash it in alcohol. Yeah, yeah, yeah. No, I'm a walking germ right now, so you don't want me doing anything like that after you.
so but yeah i um that's tough when i feel for him because i know he feels bad but the carbonation ruins ruins this for me i like the carbonation i like it this this is like eating a peanut butter it's a little different but i i can agree with you a little bit too much carbonation a little i think it would be i don't know there's something weird on the finish i don't know if it's a Decarbonation, or some type of bitterness, or something. Well, there is a little bit of bitterness on the finish. What was that word you used before that we agreed was bad? Yeah, because you were going to be a beer finadio.
Yeah, the aftertaste or something. Yeah, I didn't think you liked aftertaste, so. No, Greg said, Greg used whatever that, that wasn't the right word that you used before. But Greg used that word today talking about a Cigar De Groover, and I was like, ugh.
I'm cultured. The finish? No, no, finish is what you're supposed to say. Finish is what you're supposed to say.
Yeah, Greg said something else. She said something. God, I can't remember. I can't remember what it is either.
And Greg said it today, and I just looked down with it. Ugh, Greg. Stay busy, man. Stay busy.
Go back in the office and look at the internet for car parts or something. Go get busy. Don't you got a Hummered outfit or something? Yeah, you got a Hummer jacket to look for.
Yeah. I saw him driving down I-4 the other day. Must have been leaving here. That thing's just ridiculous.
And I was going home, and it's like, you see it three miles away. Yeah. It's as wide as the lane, he's in the slow lane, like doing 45, and all the cars are flying by. It doesn't go fast.
Right. I mean, the thing is just a tank. Right. It's ridiculous.
It technically is a tank. Yeah. Good stuff. All right, Serge, so you're just going to have to do something.
I don't know. I don't know how to... Go to the adult store. Get her some toys.
Get her some toys. Something. Just get her, you know. Now, sometimes, the woman, maybe she needs you to be part of it, you know?
Yeah, like, work the gears, work the equipment, run the cameras, something, yeah, do something, yeah, that's all we can tell them. Tell her, hey, that a girl, just don't give up, don't give up, high five her when she finishes, right, yeah, hold her as she does it, something, I mean, caress her, whisper creepy shit in her ear while she's doing it, you know, she'd be like, all right, this is why we don't anymore, this is, yeah, you know what, you're right, I don't mind it, All of a sudden, I just don't have the energy like I did. Terrible, terrible. All right, tonight's topic is funeral planning.
We figured it is something we're all going to be doing eventually. Sure. Sooner than later, I think. Sooner than later, it comes to me.
I'm telling you. I'm older than you are, boss. So we have step-by-step how to plan your own funeral. And then I have a step-by-step guide to plan a funeral service for someone else.
Oh. So, because it is a lot easier if you leave directions upon your demise of what you want done. And I keep getting asked because I've been to the doctor and hospitals, oh, I don't know, a dozen times in the last few months, and they ask me every time, do you have your... The doctor asks you?
Yeah, well, the ladies, you know, when you're in the room. That's kind of fucking terrifying. Yeah, that's a little rough. Well, they always ask you, they always ask you if you have your stuff in order.
Like, hey, like, by the way, do you have, like, you might die, so... When you went to like the ER, the after, the urgent care? So far, urgent care, ER, all of them have asked me if I've had, if I've got my, yeah, it's not called that though. Living will?
They don't even call it a living will anymore. It's something else, uh, living documents or something like that. Oh, just, okay, well that makes sense. Yeah, they don't really say will, that's, that's something else.
And the, and the chance something goes bad at the hospital. Right, and I'm always like, oh, I know I need to get it done, but no, I don't have it done. So I don't have it done yet. I don't plan on going anywhere anytime soon.
What are you trying to tell me lady? Right. And then she's like, well, maybe you should, here's a pen, go ahead and just, just jot down something. Yeah.
Well, we haven't done the stress test yet, so, well, okay, so here's a pen again, go ahead and just write down real quick, you know. I see, years ago, my dad started getting dementia, we went, dad and I went to a cemetery funeral home and he picked everything out. I mean, everything. Like, the coffin he wanted, where he wanted to be put, and all that stuff.
Oh my gosh. That's creepy to me. Yeah, I mean, if he wanted, you know, doves released or anything, and I talked about it giving the lady money, because it was a hard sale, the lady was really pushing for deposits. Oh yeah, oh, they're always, I mean.
It's like a used car salesman. It's big business, man. Oh, right, right. But then when he died, he had, he'd give me a letter before that, open up, one for me, one for my brother, one for my mother, open upon my demise.
And it was completely opposite of anything that we did at the funeral. I mean, he just wanted to be cremated, no service, and that's all he wanted to do. So maybe he did it for your... I don't know.
For your... Yeah, because it was done... Like, that was done in 2012, I think the letter was dated 2012, or 2012, whatever it was. And we went to the cemetery in 2016.
So, I mean, it was four years prior. Maybe he forgot he wrote the letter. I don't know, but... Maybe.
I did what was in the letter. Right. Huh. Interesting.
You never know what's going through their brains. You never know. No, no. He had said in the letter, he goes, the idea of being buried underground and having bugs and worms crawling through me, he goes, I just can't deal with that, so just cremate me.
Yeah. But the funeral home, I mean, he put down a very nice expensive thing. It's so much cheaper, but maybe we get into that in here. I know my grandma, she had her, had the plots all sorted and everything.
And then when my grandpa passed, she found his like paperwork and it was like, nope, I want to be buried in the VA with all the other veterans right she's like what right you don't want to be buried next to me or nothing nope want to be no i didn't like you anyway yeah oh you left his lighter well oh saint de bonn all right i'll make sure he gets that tomorrow yeah we all got one we don't need yeah all right plan ahead planning has the best thing you can do your plan doesn't need to be complicated this is when you're doing it for yourself even a simple plan will be helpful to your family start with the basic Mike Interment Choices, which is you want to be buried, cremated, donation of medical science, burial at sea. I always love burial at sea. Burial at sea. Burial at sea.
Burial at sea, they still do that. Yeah, because they put you on the little wooden float and push you out and then the guy shoots the archery thing. No, no, they don't. That's a Viking way.
And then it lights on fire. That would be cool. That would be cool. I'd like to have that.
Or what if I'm on the float and all of a sudden I wake up and I see the guy pulling the bow back and I'm like, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. When they cremate you, do they still drain you of all your fluids? I don't know. I don't know.
I can't imagine. I would think they just stick you in a damn burner. Yeah. Yeah.
I guess why pay for the extra step? I mean, at that point, I don't really care. I mean, I know everybody freaks out. Oh, they're probably just burning me with a bunch of other people, and then all the ashes are mixed, and thrown in.
Who cares? Oh, yeah. It's a, you know, it's the act of having your ashes and, you know, anyway. All right, estimate the cost of your funeral.
Change your choices if necessary to reduce the expected cost. Now, a burial is very, very expensive. I was going to say, how do you figure those costs? Because it changes every year.
Well, they tell you when you go to the, I mean, when Dad and I went to the cemetery, They give you a shopping list. Would you like doves? Doves are an extra $500. Sure.
Would you like a coffin? That's $10,000. Minimum is $10,000 for a coffin. Ferio can cost you anywhere between $10,000 and $40,000.
That's crazy. That's crazy. That's crazy to me. Right.
Take that money, have a party. Like, they're dead anyway, you know? Right. Right.
Exactly. Now, cremation? It's less than a grand. Right.
What? Yeah. There's no coffin. They stick you on a roller, they slide you in.
They put you in a box, they stick you in a roller, and then they scoop you up and put you in a Put you in this tiny little box. And then you either you either buy an urn or you go and like my mom had, my grandma had her own, like this urn thing that she loved. Right. Oh, she already had one.
Yeah, my ma ended up turning that into a, no, it was like a, like a vase or something, but my ma had it turned into her urn because she liked it. So it was like, yeah, that makes sense. What'd you have to do to it? Did you have a lid made for it?
I think so. Yeah. And then they, they seal it and all that stuff. No, no, it's just the way they seal it and everything.
So, I don't know, this is what it is. I don't care, stick me in an old cigar box, that'd be cool. Right. Dad's in a box, he's in a wooden box.
Stick me in a cigar box, and then make one cigar out of my ashes. Hell yeah! You can't smoke ash. Well, you mix it in with the tobacco.
Oh. Just a couple of sprinkles. I'm not smoking you. Come on!
Just a little sprinkles. Well, if everything goes as planned, I'll be dead before you anyway, so you get to smoke him. Ah, what? maybe that's maybe they just maybe we should just alright back to the so the shit show podcast is back on air alright share your funeral plan with your family so they know your wishes pick a trusted family member friend or advisor to be primarily responsible for carrying out your wishes I think that's a very important part make sure there is someone to make sure like I keep talking about my dad because it just happened but he left it was my responsibility to make sure everything that he wanted was done that was in my letter Where my brother's job was to make sure mom's financially all set up.
Right. Palmer said that I could plan his funeral. No, you don't get to plan it. We're going to make sure my wishes are carried out.
Oh, okay. Yeah. I'm going to plan it. Well, that's a lot less pressure.
You'll have me painted blue and stuffed and stuck upstairs somewhere. Yeah. A Danielle Cigar Hustler. It'll be a very stiff mannequin in the corner of her bedroom, probably.
Right. It's Nuggle-within. I'll show you a little bit. Sugar pants is looking at it every night like you son of a bitch.
I gotta look at you every goddamn night. That's right. Start with your basic plan and then keep them updated as you add details over time. Specify the details of your funeral ceremonies.
This is optional if you prefer not to go into the details, but keep in mind that it'll be very helpful to those who will be making the final arrangements for your funeral. Now Adrian says if you get cremated, you don't get to have a funeral. Um, well, I think you can still have a ceremony. There is no on display, I guess, at that point.
Right. But you can still have the ceremony and everything. I think I would still like to have the ceremony. Yeah, I want people to come and tell stories about me and talk, right?
I mean, you know, like they do the president. Yeah, I want to, I want to, I want to, a week long, sorry, you know, I should be telling the young lady. Right. Yeah.
I want to give like a eulogy for you, right? Like, I want to just be able to, oh, by the way, he's the only one that wrote the eulogies. Oh, yeah, we didn't write them. Yeah, he asked me, you know, I mean, I can make one up on the spot.
but it's for me not him right so you're eyeballing him as you're saying that but you're supposed to write it for me i know and i could still know you can't you'd be like um so i'm just glad you don't have to be sick anymore um hopefully you're in a happy place oh silver fox i love silver so palmer what do you yeah that's how it would go no detour very quickly i'll tell you what we'll We'll let you read it when we get to the end here. You did Palmers, right? I did Palmers, yeah. Aww.
Let's see, make financial arrangements to pay for your funeral. No, you have to pay for my funeral. Uh oh, okay. Figure out if you will leave behind enough money to cover the funeral costs.
Nope, nope. I'm not worried about that. Right, funeral insurance, trusting, pre-purchase cemetery space, no, that's not going to be involved. Did you say funeral insurance?
Insurance, yeah, there's funeral insurance apparently. What's your funeral insurance, apparently, is that, if it doesn't go correctly? Well, so, this has been, ever since you said it, it's been in my brain, but, you go to the funeral, they have the checklist of all the good stuff. Oh yeah, you go to the cemetery with the lake.
The ivory, the marble, or the pine, you know. That's at the bottom of the list. Oh, we have a new pallet wood addition over here for your cheap asses. Yeah, it's very, very happy for the homeless.
So you go there, you check all the marks and everything, and say that. Oh, there's a room with the caskets in it. Sure. I'm going to try them out if you want to.
You can lay down in them? Sure you can. They offer. Oh my gosh, that's weird.
Would you like to try it out? No. Greg has one you can test out. I do not want to go.
We discussed that. It's sticky. There's crusty stuff in it. No.
Just saying. Anyway, that's your question. So you go in there, you finish checkmarking all the stuff you want or don't want, and say it's 20 grand. Okay.
And you're 48. Right. And 30 years later, you finally pass away. They finally pass away.
Oh, if you sign the papers? Does that price? You lock in the price. If you pay them a deposit.
Hmm. As long as it's paid for when you die. So what that makes me think is that they're getting their cash right then and there. Certainly.
And then when you die, they're like, "We ain't making no money off this fucker. We ain't making no money off this guy. " Could be. So let's just listen, man.
We'll put them in the nice premiere one. Right. We'll display them. We'll do all the hootenanny and all that.
The minute we close, you throw his ass back in that pallet wood, and no one's gonna know. Well, if they bury you, you see the casket. Oh, cause the whole... Oh, that whole...
It could be a fake casket, you know, fake front or something. I mean, they could because... With a veneer instead of solid oak or something. Right, cause they don't fully bury you.
They just... and I don't do funerals. I never had... I don't like 'em.
I don't like anything about 'em. I've only been to one funeral and I lost my mind over it. But they just drop you down, they throw a couple things of dirt on it, and then you all move on. But as you walk away, they're supposed to be dropping the dirt.
Juan and Emilio are lifting that thing back up, and they're swapping you into the... It could just be a veneer, but that's what, you know. They went to Home Depot and got the 4x8 veneer sheets. Put it around 2x4s.
No, no. Let's paint this. 2x3s, they're not even doing 2x4s. No way.
I'm telling you. I know that's sneaky. Come on, man. We got to put them in the cheaper box.
It's big business. Listen, the boss said we got to swap them to the ballot box. I know. Okay, come on.
Let's get them out of the ground. Wait, wait, wait. The wife is still looking. She's still looking.
Don't do nothing. We are so going to hell. Complain that the backhoe is broken. Going to hell.
Oh, sorry, senorita. The backhoe, it broke. It broke. We do it in winter.
I got to go get more oil. We know. We fill it in later. No worries.
After we swap. What are you swapping? Taking his gold rings off, taking, popping them gold crowns off. That's before they shut the lid.
Ugh, terrible. They don't shut the lid when everybody's in there, because you leave, and then they slide him in the back of the, you know, the limo. I don't trust him. No?
I don't either. I don't trust him, I don't want nothing to do with it, you cremate, so I'm saying it here publicly, until I get my little, until the doctor hands me a pen again and I make my list, I'm going to be cremated, and I want to be, I want to be out on a cruise or something, and Becky or somebody just throw my I had a good idea to get Mikey back one last time. You're supposed to have six people carry your coffin. Right.
I'm just gonna have him. He's gonna throw it on his back, 'cause he'll do it. Aww. He'll do it.
If it's said in the papers, Palmer wishes you would just carry him by yourself. We can joke, and we can say whatever we want about Mikey, but that motherfucker will be there, he will be there, and he will do whatever it takes. He was so disappointed we didn't have a service for my dad, 'cause he wanted to be there for us. he wanted to be there for me and there was no there was no way for him to be there right you sure you don't do something yeah i'll plan it like no no mom doesn't want to do it you not having to be here for me is you being there for me right it's good enough right he's a good guy i love he's a good guy he is he's crazy but i miss him hey to celebrate we did that make financial right we did that uh let's see organize that price in you lock the price that 10 off that that and get Get your code, get the sales code thing.
And make sure you don't leave the casket at any time until they fit to wine, and Emilio bury him in the ground. Four in the morning, you're sitting there. I don't know if you think you're going to watch this. Hey, why did a woman not leave?
How are we going to swap to the ballot box? The boss said we swapped, why are we going to swap? Also, think about what you might want to leave behind for genealogy purposes. Future generations of your family will appreciate all this information, what, I can leave a list of what I die of?
Well, for, you know, later down the road, if they want the family tree, add on some branches, my family tree goes like this, boink, boink, boink, and that's about it, it's me, and then Ava, and after that, it's like, when she gets married, the tree withers away, it's done, the at-will name is gone. Oh, the at-will name, oh, that's right, there are no, there's no more, there's no more. Can you just have another kid? We can't.
But, we thought about adopting, and I just... Oh, well, you got twelve dogs, four kittens, and why not get another kid? I don't know. It's hard.
It's hard. There's not another room in your house? No. We're sorry, you're going to have to leave right now.
We could always take the living room and run a curtain down the middle of it and separate it. There you go. You know, my cigar lounge. The craft room.
My cigar lounge is quickly turning into a barn. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, for the animals. Yeah, because the guineas need to come out of Ava's room, the kittens and the cat, mama cat, need to come out, and the horse. Right.
Is most likely going to get devoured by Guinness, so we're probably going to have to keep them separated for some time. Yeah. So I may have to make his own little laugh. Watch him out in the sun.
The way my great Dane died, he got skin cancer because my ex-wife put him out in the sun and put him out in the backyard after I left. He was in the sun too much. He's got sores on his skin just from being in the kennel. Yeah.
Because, you know, they throw them a little blanket. Their hair, their coat is very thin, so the skin just gets fried out in the sun. Yeah. So I'll bring that up more on my, what I blew money on later.
Do we do that on the Patreon or do it on this one? On this one. Towards the end? Yeah.
What did Chet spend money on now? Yeah. Oh, I like that. What did Chet spend money on now?
Right. actually because i've been gone two weeks so yeah a couple right all right uh here's a step-by-step guy for planning uh someone else's funeral contact the the descendants what contact the dead guy's legal representative arrange for transportation of the dead guy there's a funny word here that i can't pronounce how's it spelled d-e-c-e-d-e-n-t descendants deceased oh wait say Is it spelled again? D-E-C-E-A-S-E-D? No, D-E-C-E-D-E-N-T.
Descendant. Yeah, descendant. That's the descendant. It's like his family, the people after him.
Contact the descendant's legal representative? Mm-hmm. It's contacting the legal guy. They're probably meant to be deceased, but it's spelled descendant.
Whoever was the grammatical fact checker probably passed it. Carrying out any prearranged funeral plans, decide on the funeral type, service, and burial, so everything that you would do for yourself, now you're just doing for somebody else. Confirm the cemetery arrangements, you know, the butterflies, the doves. Sure.
I want bats. Emilio and Juan to dig the hole. But if you do it in the daytime, will they fly away? Probably not.
They probably wouldn't even come out of the box. Right, yeah. Come on, story of my life. Or story of his life.
Story of his life. Deciding any other memorial service details. Remember, you have to throw your body on the thing and say, no, no. Of course, yeah.
No, why? Is this before or after I drink from the squirrel fountain? What's a squirrel fountain? Like, you know, like the whiskey.
It's like one of those chocolate fountains. Oh, you're going to do a squirrel fountain? Yeah, for you. Listen, if she's throwing your party.
What is that? It looks like a beetle. Did he just come out of my cigar? No, he was over here, yeah.
Just flip him in the floor. He's trying to get on the show, man. Oh, everybody wants to be on the show. Oh, geez, he's hopping.
Ah, he's fighting. Get out of here. He's attracted to the light. Holy moly.
Confirmed ceremony, arrange for an obituary. Okay. Settle the estate and other financial matters. Whoa.
What? What? This has got to be aimed towards a family member. I mean, you pass away, and Addie hands me this list, I'm going to be like, whoa, whoa, wait, what?
Settle financial matters, get all that, like, I don't know, where do I even start? Well, it's really just paying for the funeral at that point, making sure the funeral gets paid for. That's okay, Mike would pay for your funeral. Palletwood box.
The shop would. The shop, yeah. He would run the shop card. Yeah.
Charge it to the game, Greg. Yep. I've been here for a long time. Sorry.
Palmer wanted rare mahogany from Nicaragua built out of his, built. Alright, Ned sums up the funeral, so check the boxes, make sure everybody gets what they want. In the end, make sure and write your list down though. Yeah.
Yeah, that's the important thing. Make sure that you tell your people what you want. Yep. Otherwise, you're gonna get what somebody else wants.
Sure. I want cremated and all my money. or lack thereof gets blown on a party on a party like dj drinks dancing partying maybe even have a comedian like a comedian like on the thing like i want it fun because everything i've been to celebration of life is what yeah everything i've been to has been like and and it's crazy because you're at and i've been to enough funerals to know i don't like them but you're there and everybody's It's just, ugh, it's just so sad, and I get it, because it is a sad, it's an emotional time, I get it, but it's like, but I don't want to remember that person. I'm really enjoying it.
It's that weird finish on it. Yeah. You don't like it? It's that weird finish on it.
I'll take it home. I like them. And it's just, uh, it's just, uh, I meant to give one to our photographer before he left, but he sort of snuck out. Yeah, he rolled out.
He's like, I got enough of their ugly faces. I'm out. So, they're not fun. I don't like them.
Make them fun. Change it up, start making them fun. All right, do we do questions now, or do we do, what did Chet buy? It's been so long, I don't know.
I don't know, we can do what I bought. Okay, let's do, what has Chet wasted his money on? What has Chet wasted his money on? I need to make music for that, we don't have that.
You know what, that was for the Patreon. Oh, then save it, okay, then save it. Sorry guys. Sorry, gotta be on the Patreon.
Yeah, I started looking for it, I'm like, oh my god, that is in the Patreon. Yeah, after the show, because I have a lot of questions for him after the show too. Yeah. Yeah.
So let's just get right to it. Questions. Questions, questions, questions. We got questions.
Now we kept the questions up before you were gone, but I did not do the voices though. That's okay. That's very sad. They were good.
They were funny. The questions were funny. All right. Heady Snoofteeth from Iowa.
Snoofteeth. I like not being, not having to do the questions. Yeah. A lot of work.
It worked. What were some, this was a pretty good one, what were some of the punishments you got as a child when you did something bad or acted up? So like yesterday when you got in trouble with your mom, would you? Get in trouble with my mom?
What were some of your punishments? Did you get in trouble yesterday? What were some of the punishments? I mean, she was upset that I got a little too drunk and I was swimming.
Oh my god, I just, I caught that out of the air. I was just, I made it up. Because it said, what were some of the punishments you got as a child? You were young, so I was like, yesterday.
Oh, so you're saying I'm still a child. Yeah, I get it. Sorry, I'm almost low today. Did you get punished?
Did you get grounded? Things taken away are grounded. Where are things taken away? Give me the keys to your car.
No TV, you know, that kind of stuff. No video games. I feel like, yeah, I feel like, kind of like in, since technology and you got the iPhones and all that kind of stuff. I mean, I didn't grow up with like when I was five that I didn't have an iPhone or anything.
If anything, I had to share a phone with my sister until I was like 14. There's some guy sending me pictures. I know, what is this guy? Yeah.
Whoa, what is that? That's for me. What is that? That's for me again.
I want to see that. Let me see, what is that? That's for me, Danielle. Give me the phone.
No, let me see. I want to see it. No, no, that's mine. That's mine day.
But yeah, I just get stuff taken away. It's not Tuesday. The phone shows on Tuesday. And I wouldn't be able to see any animals.
No, I didn't. We wouldn't be able to see the animals. Yeah. Well, then your parents should have to take care of the animals.
Yep. You know what? I don't see that being a punishment. To me, it was.
I'd be going, oh, really? If I do this, I don't have to do the animals? There you go! Can't do the animals!
I grew up on a farm, and it was the same thing. I never got grounded, I never got anything taken away from me, but I was a pretty good kid, so it was like, it was, you know, I got, I don't even remember getting in trouble ever, to be honest with you. I don't remember it having them very often either. There was one time that my ma was like, did you clean the horse stalls?
I was like, no, I ain't cleaning the horse stalls. I'm cool for that. She's like, you better go clean the damn horse stalls. I'm like, I ain't cleaning the damn horse stalls.
So she went out and cleaned them. And we had a two-story farmhouse in my room face the barn. And I looked out the window and she's humping this freaking big-ass wheelbarrow full of horse shit. Aw.
And like trying to push it through the mud to get it out to dump it and I was like, oh my god, this is killing me. And I went out and I was like, just stop, I'll do it. And she goes, no, get your ass back to your room. I don't need your help.
And I was like, damn. That was the worst punishment ever. Mama Atwell. She might as well just say, disappointed in you too.
Right. Oh my god. And she would not let me help her. And we had four horse stalls and they were bad.
Yeah. They were bad. I would have grabbed my heart every once in a while. Oh yeah, no, it's just, see if you're watching, she wasn't having it, she wouldn't, and that was, and I'll never, I'll never forget that.
That was the biggest, like, like let down ever. But yeah, I never got the, I always got the, like you said, to make you feel bad, to get you in the heart. All right, we got, we're at 12 minutes. Oh, all right, all right, all right, all right, all right.
We might run a little long today because it's your first time back. Yeah, it's okay. We got a lot to cover here. Ava, for more, In Orange City!
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, hold on! This is a good one. You're gonna love this one. Okay, right.
Ava from Orange City! Yes! A pair of cows were talking in the field. One says, have you heard about the mad cow disease that's going around?
Yeah, the other cow says, makes me glad I'm a penguin. I don't either. Oh, he's already mad. Mad cow, he's lost.
He's got mad cow. He's lost his mind. So this is a penguin. I get it.
This is a penguin. Get it? I get it. All right, Japooma Fingerboy from Jamaica.
Yeah, my boys and my women's done. Boomba clotted her ass back to Japooma. Boomba big Japooma back in action, my boys. I took your advice them last shows and Boomba, now I got my girl back.
She come back to me, ari, ari, ari. Good for you, Japooma. Good, good. They, sometimes, when they listen, I have no idea what he said, but at the end, I heard something about his girl came back, but they're taking our advice, I feel like we're touching people, we're healing, they're listening, they're taking our advice, and they're becoming better people, so good for you, Japool, you tell Ms.
Japool, good for her too. All right. All right. Tame Long Dogger from Free Stove, Mississippi.
It's a real city. I'm sure it is. Father, wait, wait, wait. Tame Long Dogger.
Tame Long Dogger. Tame. Tame Long Dogger. Tame Long Dogger.
Anyway, my poor old mutt, Mr. Mongo, passed away from chewing on a rabid coon. On a rabid coon. Anyway, am I crazy for wanting to give my old mutt a proper farewell doggy funeral?
Hell no. No. I don't think so. What the hell is a proper farewell funeral for a dog?
I mean, when our last dog died, we just had it cremated in the little urn about the size of this glass. Okay. And now she sits somewhere with her picture next to the thing. With her picture next to the thing?
I give my fish funerals. What, as you're pouring them into the toilet? - No, I refuse to flush them down the toilet. - Is that a thing?
- Yes, I bury them. - Yes, I bury them. - Yes, you consider it a burial at sea. - Yeah.
- I like it. - That's what we always did. - I like it. - It's a burial at sea, Connor.
It'll be fine. - Don't worry, he's going back to where, from whence he came. - Right. - It's all connected.
Yep, that goes right to the ocean. That's why we live in Florida. - Yep, it goes right there. - Right onto the ocean.
- Yep, I just bury him. - See that brown spot out there in the Atlantic? - That's where he went. - Right there.
- Mr. Fishy. Nope, Mr. Fish.
Yep, I'll bury my fish, and then I'll put like... Can I have the snake one of the snake bags? No, absolutely not. You need to have him mounted, like curled up or something, or wrapped around something.
Nice belt. I know. He looks big enough for a belt. Nah, she's gonna be a tattoo on my arm.
She's strapping around my bicep. No, she's gonna, I'm gonna have a tattoo of her, it's gonna take up the majority of my arm, and it's gonna wrap around, and her little head's gonna be right there for a little tattoo. You're gonna have her surgically implanted on your arm? Are you implanted on your arm or a tattoo?
No, I'm going to have a tattoo. I lost you at wrapping the snake around you. No, no, she sent me a picture of this thing. She goes, oh, this is Ava's next pet.
I was like, no, no, no, it isn't. No snakes in a bathtub, very sorry. No, no. But she did send me a photo of a hog snake?
Yes. Pig snake? Hog snake. Hog nose.
That is very cute. They're so cute. A little fat face and a little piggy nose. I know what a hog snake is.
Supposedly they're not venomous because all snakes to me are venomous. They have no emotions. It's just a snake. Oh, they have emotions.
No, they don't. My baby has emotions. Their job is to murder you. Yes.
No. She gives me hugs. The Lord in the Bible literally says. She's not hugging you.
She's trying to strangle you. No. Just so you know. She's hugging me.
No, no. She's squeezing you. I have to feed her, so I'll send you guys a video later. She's squeezing you to eat you.
She's trying to eat you. But then she realizes. I hand feed her. I like how people take the tweezers and stuff and kind of dangle it in.
Hell no. I just take it by the tail and I'm like, here, noodle. Yeah, until she grabs your hand. No.
I've always wanted to get bit by a snake, so I'd be okay with that. Why? I don't know. Why not?
I'll bite you if you want to get bit. Oh, okay. These kids nowadays. Kids nowadays, I tell you.
You can bite me any time. I have a snake that'll bite you, too, if you want. All right, so on the animal episode of the Chet and Palmer Show, Ray Ray from Cell Block Delegate in Polk County Correctional Institute. Big Tone had his bitches from Cell Block 10 give me a note that he'd be getting up out of the hole next week and he's excited to get back to talking to his best friends.
Oh shit. Oh, great. Listen, this is going too far, man. Big Tone.
He might call next week. But, until then, he wanted to know: you pass away, say you're being buried, describe your personalized coffin for him. He wants to know. I'm gonna be cremated, there's no coffin.
Bro, my coffin, okay, no, he said assume. Oh, assume I'm gonna be buried. Assume you're being buried. Oh, gotcha, gotcha.
The only thing I can think of is because you know how coffin lids are curved, I want a curved LED TV as my lid. So that we can see it or so that you can see it? So that I can see it. On the inside.
But you're dead. Catch up on all your shows. And I want all the podcasts being played via Wi-Fi to it. Aww.
Yep. Boom. What about Slimer? You don't want Slimer on the side?
Well, I was thinking, like, okay, I could put Slimer on the foot. Maybe we could paint it so it looks like the Station Wagon from Ghostbusters with Slimer on it. Oh, that'd be cute. So it's white and it looks like a Station Wagon.
And then, like, you could do, like, little, like, Slimer on it and stuff. You guys are officially throwing my funeral. You guys are officially in charge. But there's got to be a party.
You missed. No boohoo-y burial thing, party upbeat. I'm going to throw myself in the coffin just so you know. All right, I'm okay with that.
" Amen. Yes, I did enjoy my day. Did you enjoy your day? I think all daddy just wanted to know if you were going to enjoy the day.
Ben, that's very considerate. No, I didn't really have that much of an exciting day, I sat around waiting on Mikey all day to do the Patreon, and then he decayed me. He's very busy, Ben. He decayed me.
I just waited for Palmer to get to the shop. No matter what, that Steponkiewicz blood is very busy. I was here when you got here. I was in here.
I know, but I waited for you. You can't pop in and say hello? I was like, oh, it's 6:30. Oh, tonight.
You can't pop in and say hi when you come in? Well, I assume it's usually locked. If my car is out there, I'm either in here or upstairs. She's like a minute from her start time, so she can't.
She's got to run upstairs. She has no time. She's like, I ain't got time to say hi. Every single time I do, I wiggle the doorknob and it's always locked.
Then I'm upstairs. Oh. Okay. I've noticed we've gotten a few of the religious folk listening to our show, which is quite encouraging.
We had a sister a couple of weeks ago. Yeah, it's quite encouraging. Premarital sex is a sin. Maybe they get some of their sermon.
Maybe they get some of their sermon information. Yeah. Let's see what they're talking about this week. Yeah.
I don't know. Who knows? All right. A.
On your deathbed, you're approached with one of two ways to carry on into the afterlife. One, you live in paradise with all your worldly desires satisfied, but you're embodied as a goat. Or two, you're the best version of you, Svelte, riches beyond imagination, and all your freakishly desires are satisfied by a bunch of goats. Which one do you choose?
That was a pretty good question. That was a pretty good question. Yeah. Okay, now I'm just clarifying.
I'm a goat, but I get to do everything a goat wants to do? No. Or I get to do everything I want to do? Everything.
So like if I have a thing like I want to have sex with Christy Brinkley, as a goat, I have sex with Christy Brinkley? That's the way I'm taking the question. So I'm taking it as my worldly desires are being fulfilled. Right.
In my head. Looked like a goat. In my head, my wants are being taken care of. I just, if I look in a mirror.
And then what was the other one? The other way is you're yourself. The best version of you. Best version of you, but you're only having sex with goats.
Oh, no. No. For a girl, I think that would be way different. Sure.
Yeah. I don't know. I think it would be way different either way. Yeah.
Yeah, but. I mean, they say once you go goat, you never go back. Ahhhh. Either way, either way, I don't know.
Just for that one joke. " He had a lot of time. All that work up. All that work up.
All that work up. Just for that. Woo! Hey, Dee's got a new button.
Should we play the new button real quick? Let's play it! Oh, yeah! Fine, fine, fine.
Oh, you're right, I should drink more. That would give me more liquid courage. Pull your pants down. Palmer's heart.
That's Palmer's heart. Look how pretty that is. " Ooh, it needs to get really locked. Oh, I totally forgot, I gave you the last one.
You gave me the last one, but I found another part before. Yeah, you did, you did. I found that in the same episode. Pretty soon the whole show is just gonna be one button hit from there now.
Yep. I will say, very good use of the Chet samples, by the way. Oh, thank you very much. Very good use of it.
I actually felt like I want to be up their ass. Right, Chet just wants to be up their ass. Jen just wants to be over there. It's right up there.
Right up there. Yep. Right up there. You know what time it is?
Oh, wait. It's... The... Sa...
P... Shit show. Speed round. Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
All right! Stretch your vocal cords out. Excuse me. Stretching.
La, la, la, la, la, la. Stretch the tongue out. Get the jaws loose. Syllabus.
Synonyms. Sociology. Yes. Sacrilegious.
Here we go. How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? I think it's three on the commercial. A one.
I thought it was lick. A two. A lick. I thought it was three.
Oh, that's true. Oh, it is. Well, it's three. They count the lick as the lick.
Okay. All right. What's one of your desires? I'd really like a Tootsie Pop right now.
To have a sleepover with Palmer. I'm going to take my wife to sushi island. Take your wife to sushi island. It's going to happen.
Callback, actually, the episode, like, two. Sushi. That was his perfect day to go to sushi. Every now and then I go way back, way, way, way, way, way back.
A sleepover with Palmer. Yep, we'll do pillow fights. We did the episode back in the beginning where we had our wives on and sort of like the newlywed game, do you know what that is? Okay.
And one of the questions was, what is your perfect date? And Chet answered to take her to Sushi Island. Take her on a cruise to Sushi Island. Because we love cruises, she loves islands, and she loves sushi.
So when she answered, it was something completely different, and she yelled at him, she's like, "Sushi Island, why are we going to sushi? What the hell is sushi? " Oh, that was funny. I thought it was funny.
It's a thought that counts. Right. Yeah. What about, so, are you wearing fluffy pajamas?
Matching fluffy pajamas. Yeah, matching. Or are we wearing skimpy pajamas? Ooh, skimpy pajamas.
I would go with the skimpy pajamas. Yeah, and we could build forts. I see Palmer. And watch scary movies.
I see Palmer in like maroon silky boxers. Yeah. Like the real wispy ones. I have a pair of black with hearts on them.
Yeah. That exactly is what I imagine is. And then the front says BDP on the front, you know? Oh, yeah.
Right at the cuff on the leg. There's an arrow that goes down. Yeah, yeah. There's something in small writing right above the waist.
Objects are bigger than me. So when you get close to it and read it, it says if you're this close, you might as well suck it. Oh, there you go. Anyway, we're going down.
It's like he's thought about this. We've lost the show. It's gone. All right, better to beg for what you want or have patience?
Patience. Beg. I'm a pun. I'm at the point where I'm tired of waiting and being nice.
Right, rather just come out and ask. Just be like, look, man, I want to do this, this, and this. That's it. Right.
Yeah. I agree. One thing that makes your blood boil. McDonald's telling me when I ask them is all my shit in the bag and they say yeah it is we checked and then I look and I'm missing a fry or a nugget oh my gosh no it's not even that like I'll be like I need extra sweet and sour sauce never in the bag right and it's not the same without it right right simple things frustrating rude people always comes down to McDonald's man they're killing me how many cars will be in your funeral procession seven Seven?
That's always my answer. That's always my answer. Oh. Six.
Who's the seventh? Who's one through six? Me, her, Mikey, Greg. Boots?
Yours. Boots. Boots. Oh, my wife.
Who's seven? That's only five. Greg, Mikey, you. Well, I said your wife.
Hold on. Greg, Mikey, you. Danielle, my wife. Oh, Boots.
Who would be seven? Everybody else that works at the shop, everybody else works at the shop in a van. You know who would be seven? Yogalite.
Oh, yeah. Mr. Yergi. Yergi will be there.
He'll come to my funeral. He's such a good dude. Bring a lovely wife, too, if you like. " He texted me happy birthday.
I love that guy. He's such a nice guy. He's like a guy that you don't really know, because I've never met him personally. I've never met him in person.
But it's like I've known him my whole life. Right. Like, he's just part of the family. I love it.
What has been your favorite age so far? 21. It's a tough one. It's a tough one.
Yeah, she don't have as many. " Right, yeah. Last year when I got my drinking license. Yeah, then I took it.
Got my drinking license. And I haven't gone back. I'd say my 40s. I've liked my 40s, man.
Yeah, I think it'd be my 40s. 40s has been pretty rockin'. I had a lot of fun in my 40s. Yeah.
End of marriage two. End of the 40s. Beginning of marriage three. Yeah.
A little rough, but we're getting there. Yeah. Oh, well. Name a talking dog in any TV show or movie.
The dogs I'm thinking of don't talk. Blue's Clues doesn't count, right? Nope, they don't talk. He doesn't talk.
Clifford the Big Red Dog doesn't talk. Yeah, but there's- Benji doesn't talk. Benji doesn't talk. Oh, yes.
Lassie doesn't talk. From Adventure Time? Oh! Family Guy.
Family Guy. Brian Griffin from Family Guy. That's the only one, and the only reason I thought of it, the only reason I thought is because I was watching it last night. What is Adventure Time?
It's like a kid's show on Cartoon Network, and he talks. I have no idea what that is. Okay. Imagine the Big Bang, you know, up in the planets.
The TV show? I love that show. Yeah. Imagine the Big Bang up in the sky.
You know what I've been watching? I started watching Mad About You from the beginning with Helen Hunt and Paul Reiser. Oh, yeah. It's actually very entertaining.
It was a good show. Except it's so old, you get the black bars on the side of the screen because they didn't have the full thing. I'm up to season four, still got the black bars. You know what show was good to watch too?
What was the one where it was the redhead girl, the straight black haired guy, and then his best friend was the real flamboyant gay one. And then the real high-pitched secretary, she was all annoying and always drunk. " If you know what it is, tell us, and maybe it won a price. Yeah, okay, there we go.
She was like, "Oh, yeah," and she was always drunk, like, drinking wine, whew! Oh, yeah, yeah, I know what you're talking about now. What was that? " They just remade it not long ago, with the original cast.
Really? Yeah. That's an underrated show. I just watched it, yeah.
That was hilarious. So, if you can think of the name, hit us up. Damn it. Maybe win something.
I love that show. Will was the guy's name. Yeah. Oh, now you guys are never going to let this go.
All about Will? Or Will and I? Ooh, it's close. Me, myself, and Will.
Will Smacks. Will and the Bear. Oh, too soon. Too soon.
All right, think about it. Charlie's Wills? No, no, not Charlie's Wills. The Big Will?
Close. You're getting closer. Rather have dog ears or dog tongue? Dog ears.
Ears or ears? Ears. Tongue. Why the tongue?
Oh, come on, dude. You would enjoy it more than the ears. Oh, that's true. That's true, yeah.
What do you do with my ears? Just rub them? Right. Yeah, good boy, Palmer.
They get red all the time because they're getting sore and infected. Yeah. Would you ride a bull if given a chance? Absolutely.
When I was younger, I was contemplating, because we used to go, it used to be a bar in downtown Orlando called Eight Seconds. On Saturday nights, they had bull riding. We used to go. It's a mechanical one, though.
No, no, no, light bulls. Whoa, no way. Yeah, yeah. At a bar?
Yeah, it's downtown Orlando. It's where that motorcycle race car bar is now, right off the highway on the left. I can't remember what that's called either. I'm having a terrible thing with names tonight.
But yeah. If you can think of the bar, message us. It's a huge outdoor area and on Saturday nights they had live bull riding. Now, I could not actually ride one there, but they had real rodeo guys and there was a prize.
Really? Yeah. Me and wife number two used to go, we went for a couple of years every Saturday night. That sounds fun.
That'd be fun to watch. They were always fun to watch at the fairs. Because I mean, you're almost like on the fence, I mean, when you're watching. So, I mean, it was kind of cool.
And they're no joke, man. Them bulls are trying to, they're trying to knock that little whip in between their leg off. They're also trying to put their horn through your gut, so you've got to be careful. Have you seen the video on TikTok where the guy, he's riding the bull, he gets thrown off, and then he's laying on his back, and he's sort of, something happened, he's like locked up, and then the bull's coming at him, and his dad jumps out of the audience, throws his body on top of the son, covers, you know, the bull's coming from this way, leans over and covers his son's head with his shoulder and his back, and the bull just hits the dad twice, and then, you know, goes to chase a clown.
Man, that kid... Oh, I get teared up every time I see. Yeah, you have, like, the saddest TikTok feed I have ever seen. That's not sad!
No, that's... No, but, like, still, like, that's like... Because I watch it, and I watch it, and I watch it, and I watch it, and I watch it, so that you would get, yeah. The son's like, "Hey, Dad, I bought you that old Camaro you always wanted.
" And he's like, "Oh, nice. " Right. So, you know, fuck your car. Yeah.
And the son's got that bulletproof vest-looking thing on and stuff, but the dad doesn't, he's got a flannel shirt on. Holy shit, man. It takes two hits from that bull and the bull runs off and then the dad lifts his head up looking around and then it goes off. Damn.
But there's always something about, you know, the love of a father or something. Right, right. The same song playing. Breaks my heart every time I watch it.
Gets the old heart strings. Yeah. Anything about a dog saving somebody? I'm going to tear up at those.
Yeah, anytime a dog can save a human. Or a cat. Or a cat. I saw a TikTok where a cat runs in.
Hi, you're becoming a cat. Oh, I've seen the one where the cat attacks the dog? Yeah. Yeah, he's going to like to maul this little kid and the cat was like, Hey, hell no, comes out of nowhere.
Cat comes out of nowhere. Right. Dog takes off, little kid's like, what? What's going on?
I just saved you. You're becoming a cat guy. I'm a cat guy. He's a cat guy.
Yeah, I'm a cat guy. I could have, I could keep all the cats we have, I just don't like the smell. I don't like the litter. Yeah.
I mean, we keep a very clean homestead, but it doesn't matter, man. It doesn't, yeah. With five cats. Yeah, five, there's no way.
Five cats, it's like, you're cleaning the litter twice. It's called Pretty Litter, and supposedly it works really well. That's what something else called, don't have cats. Never.
I could never. My dogs poop outside. Don't have so many cats. Earlier, Aiden said that he wanted to get rid of Fig, and I'm like, okay, so when are you leaving?
They're a part of my fan. I should have told him, listen, know your fucking place, bud. Because those cats are like... Is he out there?
I think so. It's already starting. He already knows. It's already starting to slowly break his heart.
His days are numbered now. All right, he's on the downward slope. All right, lastly. He talks about getting rid of my cats.
If you could, would you? Yeah. Yes. Definitely.
If you could, you always do. Sure would not. Hell yeah. And that, my friends, is the speed round.
Yay! Woo-hoo! All right, it's an hour 10, a little something extra for everybody. Hour 10.
Not too bad. Not too bad. All right, we got to get going. We got to go to after the show.
After the show is the after party. Jenny, say goodbye. Your camera's on. Goodbye.
I missed you guys. I love you. I love you. But I'm sorry, I'm a walking germ.
He's a walking germ. I feel I'm a little close. I don't know exactly why. Danielle, say goodbye.
Bye. All right, everybody. Thank you very much. We appreciate you listening week after week.
Thank you. And Jet, we are really happy that you're back, Jet. I'm happy to be back. All right, guys, we got to go.
We got to go after the show. Later. Chet & Palmer's Shit Show, its owners and sponsors take no responsibility for the opinions or statements made by the talk show host or their guest. Statements or show topics are not necessarily the beliefs of Mike & Mike Productions or the podcast providers and opinions between talk show hosts may differ.
It is not our intention to lie bell, incite, or hurt anyone's feelings. We invite you to write the show's host, Mike Palmer, with any feedback or suggestions you may have for their shows. These broadcasts are presented and made public as entertainment in the hopes that they will be entertaining to the audience. This has been the Chet and Palmer Shit Show, a Mike and Mike production.
Listen for new shows every Thursday at 10am. We appreciate you listening. Now you don't have to go home, but we have to get the hell up out of here. So we'll catch y'all next week, right back here on the driveway.
Our little piece of paradise on this cement, we'll probably be half drunk, but we'll see you next week. Next week, bye.
Show Notes
Finally Chet is back from his brush with death so of course the trio breaks down how to plan your own funeral as well as emails from Ray Ray at the prison and Pullma Finger in Jamaica!!