Episode 117 "I am an Actor". We are open but 6 ft part!, Porno for Easter!

Episode Summary

Episode 117 of A Cigar Hustler's Podcast finds Mike and Mike recording six feet apart in the thick of the 2020 pandemic, opening with a long, unfiltered catch-up: a quarantined Easter with store-bought carrot juice for the Easter Bunny, socially distanced drinking with the neighbors, a kitchen faucet that blew out on Easter Sunday and forced a Home Depot run, and a shared case of burnout from the wave of virtual herfs that have taken over the cigar industry. The hosts talk candidly about what makes a good virtual herf — keeping it engaging, not letting two guys dominate the room, and just paying for the Zoom upgrade instead of rebooting every 40 minutes.

The cigar news segment covers two real industry stories. First, premium cigar imports to the U.S. declined in 2019: government data shows an 8.2–8.3% drop in cigars valued at 23 cents or more (roughly 356 million in 2019 versus 386 million the prior year), while the Cigar Association of America pegs the decline slightly softer at 7.1%. Q1 was essentially flat, with the remaining quarters down 7%, 11%, and 8.2%. Second, the Dominican Republic's largest factories began reopening after the March 20 shutdown — Tabacalera de García in La Romana, home of the Dominican Montecristo and Romeo y Julieta, and General Cigar Dominicana, which produces Macanudo and the Dominican Cohiba. Both reopened with skeleton crews during Holy Week as a test of new government social-distancing protocols, prompting the hosts to wonder aloud how bunchers and rollers can work as pairs six feet apart. Scandinavian Tobacco Group's General Cigar Mao and Agio facilities remained closed, while Swedish Match and Swisher resumed machine-made operations.

The back half is pure Mike and Mike: a rundown of which Florida employers are hiring during the shutdown (Amazon, Walmart, Target, Publix, Winn-Dixie, Instacart, DoorDash and more), a guide to free-trial windows on every major streaming service, and a new recurring bit in which Greg ambushes Michael with a cold read of a two-person screenplay scene involving a dead woman, a pile of cocaine, and a gangster named Cisco. They close with a Florida Man–grade news story about a Flagler County woman arrested for stuffing plastic Easter eggs with pornographic images into 400 mailboxes, plus riffs on the industry's ongoing "Barry" meme text chain. Shop of the Week goes to Tony Farrell at Nickel City Cigars in Buffalo, New York, who is opening his shop in the middle of the pandemic.

In This Episode

1. 01
   Quarantine Easter and Virtual Herf Fatigue
   The hosts recap a locked-down Easter, socially distanced drinking with neighbors, an exploding kitchen faucet, and why the industry's wave of virtual herfs is becoming exhausting and overdone.
2. 02
   Premium Cigar Imports Fell in 2019
   Government and Cigar Association of America data show premium cigar imports dropped roughly 7–8.3% in 2019, from about 386 million to 356 million cigars.
3. 03
   Dominican Factories Reopen: Tabacalera de García and General Cigar Dominicana
   La Romana's Tabacalera de García and General Cigar Dominicana restart with limited staff to test COVID-era social distancing protocols, while General Cigar Mao and Agio stay closed.
4. 04
   How Do You Roll Cigars Six Feet Apart?
   A practical discussion of whether bunchers and rollers can work in pairs under distancing rules, plus gloves and handling protocols at the factories.
5. 05
   Who's Hiring in Florida During the Shutdown
   A guessing game through the list of employers still hiring — Amazon, Walmart, Target, Publix, Winn-Dixie, Costco, Instacart, DoorDash and more — including a debate over tipping grocery delivery shoppers.
6. 06
   Streaming Service Free Trials
   A rundown of free-trial lengths across Amazon Prime Video, Apple TV+, CBS All Access, Disney+, HBO Now, Hulu, Netflix, Showtime, and Starz.
7. 07
   "I Am an Actor" — The Cold Read Scene
   Greg springs an unrehearsed two-person screenplay on Michael involving a dead woman, cocaine, and a gangster named Cisco, then lectures him on living in the moment on camera.
8. 08
   Florida News and Shop of the Week
   A Flagler County woman arrested for mailing 400 pornographic Easter eggs, plus Shop of the Week honors for Tony Farrell at Nickel City Cigars in Buffalo.

Brands & Cigars Discussed

Linked items are in our shop. Mentions without a link aren’t currently stocked or couldn’t be matched with confidence.

Transcript

*Extrape, La Florina* and it's gonna fade this time oh welcome to cigar hustler podcast episode 117 i watched the last youtube episode there we are in pandemic america again what and uh it was really sad when it just It kind of ended, and it didn't. It just went off? Yeah. " No.

There was more there. No, no. That was it. There was like five minutes of solid content.

Don't. Don't tell the people, Michael. We're cheating the people. So what's going on, Michael?

How have you been? How you been? What'd you do? Since last week.

We had Easter. Oh, that's right. He has risen. Or he is risen?

You know, there were more he has risens on Facebook than any other year I can remember. There's a tremendous amount of risen. Tremendous amount of risen. A lot of rising there.

Tremendous amount of rising. Did you guys do a big Easter? I mean, obviously you had nobody over, but did you do a big Easter dinner? You know, we didn't.

So, you know, normally we do. Right. You still did the kids' Easter baskets though, I saw. Well, the Easter Bunny still came, yeah.

Easter Bunny still came. Yeah. He was a little thinner this year than he has been in the past. Tell the kids he was sick.

Easter Bunny has coronavirus. You know, he's got to wear the mask when he comes in and stuff, and special gloves, so it's a process. Did you drink all the juice? No.

Did you, like, make carrot juice in a juicer, or did you buy a thing of carrot juice? We had to buy the carrot juice. I didn't even know they sold the carrot juice. They do.

And you know what's fucked up? Of course, this is how they do it. So they usually have, like, two canisters. They have, like, a smaller canister and, like, a bigger canister of all these juices.

Right. Well, as far as the carrot juice is concerned, they just had the one fucking Megalodon. I'm like, of course you're gonna give me the extra $4 for the drink that I'm not gonna drink. So tell the truth, does it mix well with tequila?

Uh, no, it does not mix well with tequila. Um, so, but, uh, I, you know, I did get, uh, I did get pretty drunk on Saturday social distancing with the neighbors, which was entertaining. Oh yeah, you don't normally talk to your neighbors, do you? No, I do all the time.

Or is that the one you talk to? Yeah. Okay, is the guy on the other side you don't like? Uh, it's not that I don't like him, it's just that- But you like the other guy better.

Yeah. Okay. And it was his birthday, so... No, it was his son's.

Oh. Yeah. Gotcha. " So that's what we did.

It was, you know... Nice. Yeah, we had a good time. You don't normally hang out with your neighbors, so it was a nice little...

No, yeah, and you know, it's like, it was overdue. Right. " So, you know, it was fun. It was fun.

I drank a lot. I drank a lot. Wow. Thank God we didn't do any video herfing that night.

Yeah. You know, I guess the funny part is, for me too, is when I get really, really drunk after like a day or two sets in, I'm like, I wonder if I was an asshole, you know, like, I hope I didn't upset anybody or offend anybody. I'm sure Brittany keeps an eye on you. Yeah.

I mean, she texted me that one night you were on the thing, so. Yeah, but I wasn't, I wasn't near what I was. I would, you know, like, doing the virtual Herf. Oh, you were worse on the virtual Herf?

No, I was not. I was hardly. I was just more, you know, outgoing and kind of entertaining on the virtual Herf than... What do you mean, entertaining as in abusive and...

Just to you. Just to you, because you get on and you're like a creepy guy. I did two of those last week. I've had enough.

And you just stare at... I've had enough to video Herf me for a while. It is. It's exhausting.

It's hard. And if you host it, you can never get off until the very last guy leaves. Yeah, not only that, but you've got to keep it going. Right.

You know what I mean? Like, you have to be engaging with people. And that's what's important. The Miami guys did one on Thursday, but they don't have the pay one, so every 40 minutes, you've got to log back in.

Shut it off. Shut it down. Everybody goes off, and then everybody goes back in. Just spend the 15 bucks.

I mean, it's not a major commitment. Ah, wow. But, you know, I guess I wish some of those guys didn't have the $15 one, because after the 40 minutes is up, I would, oh, I can't, I can't get on for some reason. Sometimes, you just say, wait, five, four, three, oh, oh, sorry.

The computer's rebooting. The computer's rebooting, text messages everywhere, but I like the ones that we've done, you know, they've been, they've been really good. They're almost getting to the point where they're overdone. Everybody's doing one in the industry now.

" Look, we get it. We get it. Thank you so much. This is not the Josh Fabello show.

Boom. Oh, poor Joshy. I love Josh. I do, too.

He's a good guy. I found TikTok over the weekend. Yeah, I saw your Facebook post. Holy crap, you follow another thing, you disappear for an hour, an hour and a half.

Man, this is such a time suck. It is. And you know what's funny, too, is like, it's actually retarded after a while. It's like, it's the same dance shit over and over and over again.

They're doing the same thing. And you know what? There's an incredible amount of police officers and nurses. TikToking?

TikToking. Oh, really? They must have a tremendous amount of free time. The cops are in their vehicles, they're outside the vehicles, two people meet somewhere, and they do a little dance, and they get in their cars and drive off.

Well, cops aren't allowed to alarm alarm. Right, they can't arrest anybody. They can't write tickets. They can't, you know.

You would think the nurses would be, you know, kind of busy. Well, I think that, you know, hey, social distancing has actually worked. Yes, they have downtime, too, you know, playing patience. And realistically, you know, the whole purpose of, look, the fact of the matter is people are going to die.

Right? Like this thing is going to take over and it's going to work through and it's going to be a process. And I think that that's what people don't realize is that the whole purpose of social distancing isn't really to prevent people from dying. It's to prevent them from dying when they could have lived.

Prevent the spread. Yeah, well, you know, it's supposed to make sure that hospital beds are available if you need it, right? That's the whole purpose of social distancing. So, um, it looks like it's working, I guess, you know, they broke down some of these bigger, like, in case of emergency hospitals that they were building.

Oh yeah, that's true, some of those are breaking out. Yeah, don't need those anymore. Um, uh, Osceola County went today to mandatory mask wearing. Michigan now has statewide, no more going to anybody's house, no hanging out, not just in less than 10, groups of less than 10, no groups of any kind.

So that goes to show you that their hospitals are still in India. They're third in the country as far as cases still. It doesn't matter. It's just a question of what's their capacity as far as overall hospitals.

Can they sustain it? Home depots are shut down. If you go into Target, all the clothes and the gardening sections are all roped off. I believe that.

I mean, some of the shit that I've seen at Home Depot is crazy. You know, like the people that are in there just not giving a fuck. No. No gloves, no mask, no nothing.

Right. Licking the floor. I mean, what are you doing? Did you see the video of the guy who spit on the oranges?

No. Some guy's spitting on the oranges at the store and the shop owner comes behind him, smacks the shit out of him on the back of the head, knocks him out. Oh, that's nice. The guy's going, and the guy comes up, as hard as he can, right in the back of the head.

The guy goes flying into the oranges, and then he's laying on the ground. You're out of here. You're done! Show this man the door.

Exactly. What happened? Last thing I remember. I was spitting on the oranges.

I was spitting on oranges. I was spitting on oranges. Now I talk with a wisp the entire time. Now it's three days later, and I'm sipping my meals to a straw.

And I still don't have no oranges. And the fucking shop owner kicked my ass. It was an old man took, and the young guy was doing the spitting. Just paint that shit out of it.

Get those Millennials. You don't know what stories to trust on Facebook. I just wouldn't trust any story on Facebook. I got into a discussion with somebody.

They posted that so-and-so doctor was arrested that day. I saw that. In conjunction with three... He said that was January.

He said that story was January. No, no, it happened yesterday. So then I cut and pasted the story and moved in. " Yeah.

" And because they all cheated on a test or something, It was something with the Chinese people cheating on a test or something. Everybody's an expert. Coronavirus. My mother is the worst.

You look at the news story thing, and it's Uncle Bob's newspaper it's called or something. I doubt Uncle Bob really knows. No, he's a big deal. He's a legit thing.

He's a big deal. He's got that newsletter he puts out. Your mother is big on it. Oh, my God.

That's insane. But she's tapered off a little bit as of late. I feel like the depression's kind of kicking in. She's been quarantined.

My poor mother, my dad doesn't remember. It's a new day for him. Every day. " My mom's in the background going, "Raymond, he can't come over.

" She goes, "The virus, Raymond! " Oh, okay. Is this new? " Like the video from the 51st date thing.

Yeah, exactly. That's a video. All the pressing news. This is what you know is what's going on.

You know what's going on. Exactly. Oh, shit. But, for Easter, we also got a nice surprise.

Yeah, the faucet in my kitchen exploded. Oh, no. Yeah. So, I got crashed.

Like with water spraying? So, here's the thing. So, we have, this has been an ongoing issue for probably almost a year and a half or two years. two years oh so you know so no we've had parts come in and they've we've replaced things and never really fixed it and then they gave finally gave us everything to fix this handle uh and we fixed the handle and then it's dripping like fuck and then it stopped dripping oh okay oh it's fixed so i tell you why i fixed it where you were going praise jesus it's fixed on easter it's east america so then we open up the bottom cabinet and it's oh is that why it's not dripping The rain flood.

Yeah, because it's going down instead of sticking out. Oh, no. So, I'm like, okay, I guess I need to go to Home Depot and figure this out. The only place that's open on Easter Sunday for some reason is fucking Home Depot.

They were open, really? Oh, yeah. And it was chaos. I mean, everybody.

Everybody was there. Ugh. Insane. Flower beds.

Yeah, that's like, you know. It's like, what is, I mean, like, I have an urgent reason to be here on Easter Sunday. You know? I have a sink.

I have a problem that needs to be solved. Did you have to wait in line outside? What the... No.

What the hell is everybody else doing here? So... I have nothing else to do. So I'm looking around and they don't have parts.

You don't have parts. You have to either A, call the manufacturer again to try and get another part. And again, this has been an ongoing battle for a faucet that wasn't fucking cheap. Or just buy another one.

So I fuckin' switched brands. Just put on a whole new thing. Oh yeah, I was like, you know what, I'm gonna figure this shit out. I YouTubed the video, and then like, my brother and my father did a lot of work in the house, so there's some hodgepodge action there.

So I had to FaceTime in for some, you know, I'm like, I don't understand a couple of these things here. I understand, why is the red on the blue and the blues on the red? They said that's bad in the video. He's like, you need to remove that, or you need to remove the entire sink.

I was like, I feel like I can remove this, I'll figure this out. So needless to say, I got it done. Oh, congratulations. Yeah, and it's no leaks, knock on wood.

Oh, because now we're just one day in. But I had to shut off the water. To the whole house. Yeah.

And then, you know, Brittany wanted to, I don't know, get in the shower or something. " Well, I had disconnected all the parts. Oh, under the sink. So when I came home, you know, the handle was gone, so it was just launching water out when she turned it on everywhere.

Oh, and she's in the shower, so she didn't know. No, she didn't get that far, I'm sure she unscrewed it, and it was like, blew it, she goes, I walk in, there's towels everywhere, she's like, and of course, the fucking dogs walk through it, you know. Dirty footprints, I'm like, so it was, uh, Easter was intriguing, it was very intriguing. That was very, very low-key.

Yeah. We did Boston Market, we were gonna do, so, I mean, we had a semi-little fancy meal, but even that was a thing, you have to log, You have to order it online, so you have to create a profile, because they won't let you log, they won't let you do it unless you create a profile. Now you're going to get emails. Well, I didn't use mine.

com? Oh, that would be good. I've done that to him. Now he does it to me.

" Every time I go to the smoothie store, you put in your phone number and they text you things, I always put in my ex-wife's phone number. Every single time I'm there. See, only the number I remember that on somebody who I, you know, wouldn't care. That'll teach 'em.

That'll teach 'em. Why do I keep getting these smoothies? Why do I get these text messages from smoothies? Connor, are you getting smoothies all the time?

No. Well, we had ordered a roll-down screen for the garage to keep the bugs out, because now it's a room. So, Friday I get an email from Amazon that it's been shipped. Saturday, Alexa goes off, you know, the yellow light comes on.

Never shows up. So then I get the, oh, it's going to be delayed. Okay, fine, it'll be delayed. Sunday, it lights up again.

It's going to be delayed. I'm going, it's Sunday. It's Easter. It is not coming on Easter.

There's no way. There's no way it's coming today. Nope, still didn't show. This morning goes off again.

It's going to be delivered today. Still not here yet. Still not there. But now I've emailed the company that shipped it, and they go, oh, it's going to be here the 15th.

Okay. Well, you're almost there. Well, okay. But then I emailed them back.

I go, look, since Friday, I've been told this thing is going to be delivered by end of day. Right. They probably won't answer me again until after the 15th. You're like, oh, fuck that guy.

Fuck that guy, we're not talking to him. Let's wait and see what happens after the 15th. So I'm swatting wasp and flies and, you know. You know, there's like this non-toxic spray.

Yeah? I highly recommend it. Yeah? It smells like cinnamon and like canola oil or whatever.

Citronella? It's not citronella. It's like a white can. It's like a non-toxic wasp killing spray.

Oh, well, I might kill them, but it's just, there's no nest in the garage, but you'll get the random giant... I know, yeah, one pops in, you just hit them. Oh. And it smells really good.

Oh, yeah. A little air freshening. The kids are like, what's that smell? It smells so nice.

I was like, I'm just killing the wasp. They don't like cinnamon? I love cinnamon. Yeah, they don't like...

Whatever the combination is, I think it affects their wings and they just die. Oh. Yeah. I forgot the camera was on.

I mean, it's on, but I just completely forgot the camera was on. Well, I'm glad that it's still on. Yes. All right, let's get on with the show, Mike, we have a lot to do here, we're already 15 minutes in here.

3% in 2019. S. was significantly down in 2019. Data from both the government and the Cigar Association of America, the CAA and Industry Trade Group, shows that the number of large or premium cigar imports declined.

The extent of the drop depends on how the numbers are evaluated. 2% drop in the number of cigars imported that were valued at 23 cents or more. Interesting. A cigar costs 23 cents?

1%, compared to the 2018 figures. 2% respectively. So imports were down last year. Well, this Corona thing is going to make it even worse.

Well, these would be 20 figures, so I imagine it's going to be down even more. Yeah. But, why did that go off? I touched something.

Oh, no. General Cigar Dominican, the Tabacalera De Garcia reopened in the Dominican Republic. Yay! Two of the Dominican Republic's largest cigar factories have reopened this week after closing down due to the Coronavirus pandemic.

Hey-oh! The factory in La Roma, the largest premium cigar factory in the world, reopened yesterday with a limited staff. The factory, which produces the Dominican version of the Monte Cristo, Romeo and Juliet, and others, is using this week to test social distancing measures to establish protocols to meet new government rules. Ooh, some red tape on the ground?

Red tape. What do you do with your pairs? Like, you know, because when you pair for cigars, you've got to have a person right next to you. Right.

Oh, now they're six feet apart. So one person does the filler and the other person does the wrapper. So now maybe when they bundle it, they tie a rope, it's just… Well, but then they were touching it. So is there a 48-hour… Gloves, gloves.

Mmm. Everybody's wearing gloves. General Cigar Dominican. No fucking way, they're all wearing gloves.

The factory that produces Macanudo and the Dominican version of the Cohiba is more or less doing the same. A small group of workers spaced out far more than they would have prior to the coronavirus pandemic. Like nearly every other factory in the Dominican Republic, they have been closed since March 20th. Scandinavian Tobacco Group, which owns General Cigar Dominicana, also has two other factories in the country, General Cigar Mao and Agio Tobacco Company, but they still remain closed.

Dun, dun, dun. Let's see, in addition to the Premium Cigar Factory, sources told, this is a half-world story, that Swedish Match and Swisher International have both resumed machine-made cigar operations in the Dominican Republic. Well, no people. It's fine, yeah, just shove it all in there.

Shove it all in the machine. Because this week is Holy Week, it was already planned to be Shorten Week, and serves as a test to see if the factories can meet the government requirements for social distancing. I expected that more premium cigar factories were open in reduced capacity on Monday. Huh.

That's gonna be interesting. Very little cigar news this week. Some people are putting out new cigars, but nobody's putting anything out. I saw that Coop did like a whole post about how...

Somebody stole his story. Yeah, that's what I was getting to. Four word, typos and all, apparently. " But I was like, you know what, I didn't want to piss off.

I thought it was gonna be us that I had read his story online or something. Can you believe these people? Can you believe these guys? These two slapdicks think they're media.

All right, Michael, if there wasn't enough going on in October, Columbus Pride Parade and Festival is moved to October due to the coronavirus. In Columbus, Ohio, the organizers with Stonewall Columbus announced that the 2020 Pride Parade and Festival will also be moved to October. Yay. Officials said due to the coronavirus pandemic, they have made the decision to move the annual festival to Saturday, October 3rd.

I'm just, you know what, I'm going to self-quarantine for Q4. Where are you? I'm not going to anything. I can't commit to all this, and it's not happening.

The Gay Pride Parade, Michael, we thought you'd be at the Gay Pride Parade. Of course, you know, you gotta support everybody. You gotta support everybody. But I mean, we have that here in Orlando.

I don't know, it hasn't been recently. So, it's a way bigger deal in Orlando, come on. Because Disney and everybody checks into it. Oh yeah.

All right, I have a list of who is hiring in the state of Florida. Oh. Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait. What?

Can I guess a couple of these? Uh, okay, hold on, let me grab a pen. If you guess it, I will mark it off. How big is the list?

Uh, okay, real quick. Okay, so it looks like what, 15, 20 people? Yes. Okay.

Amazon. Yes. Walmart. Oh, how good they're in alphabetical order.

Yes. Ooh, I'm even going to say Target. Yes. Let's see.

There's a couple of them that you will not get. That you won't get. Some of them I don't know what they are. I'm hoping to get five.

Okay, you're at three. Two more. Two more. Okay, let's see.

Walmart, Target, Amazon. Maybe even Home Depot. Alphabetical. No.

Home Depot is not hiring. Not hiring. You get one more, and then we're gonna, I'm gonna read off the list real quick. Okay.

Okay. Hold on. Let's see. I need another retailer.

It's not... They're not all retailers. I know, but that's what I'm thinking that, you know, like... Oh, gotcha, gotcha.

Publix. Uh, yes! Boom! You got four!

So I'm staying alive. Can I try one more? Okay, go one more. One more.

Ooh, let's see. Winn-Dixie. Uh, yes! Whoa, look at that!

Not open on Easter this year. Last year they were. Yeah, everybody shut down. Well, we went there to get a roasted chicken or whatever they call it there.

It's like, give the employees a rest or some shit. Yeah, and they were closed. But Aldi's is hiring. Okay, yeah, that makes sense.

Big Lots, makes sense. Interesting. Costco. Ooh, Costco, yeah, yeah, I didn't think about that.

CVS. I don't think about Costco. I know, I thought you would say that one automatically. CVS.

CVS. Okay, I don't know who these guys are. Delivery Dudes. Delivery Dudes.

Dollar General. Okay. Open on Easter. Yeah, of course, they don't respect anybody or their employees.

No. Domino's Pizza. Delivery. DoorDash.

Mm-hmm. Delivery. Family Dollar. Yeah, another dollar store.

Florida DEO. Don't know what that is. Department of Employment. Don't know.

Grubhub. Makes sense. Instacart. I think it's an online shopping.

Yeah, we did that today. Oh, what can you get at Instacart? Publix. You can do – Oh, it's a delivery service.

Yeah. Okay. So if you don't want to use – like Publix has their delivery, but they're so far out that it's like four or five days. Oh, yeah.

Yeah, so you pay a premium for Instacart. We had the conversation about the tip. Oh, you have to tip these people. Yeah, so – Do you tip cash or is there like an option?

Well, you can say, hey, you know, so, yeah, it was, uh, it did, uh, I lost the battle, I lost that, I lost that round. Uh, your wife's far more generous than you are. Yeah, she's like, you know. Michael, we didn't have to go.

Yeah. Yeah, so I'm kinda curious as to what everybody else would tip. Um, 20%. 20%, so if you get $100 worth of groceries.

You get 20 bucks. Okay. Uh, Milam's, M-I-L-A-M apostrophe S? Nothing.

Papa John's, Pizza, Pepsi, Pizza Hut, Postmates, Shipt, Walgreens, 7-Eleven. 7-Eleven, interesting. Yeah, they're busy, people are still going in 7-Elevens. Yeah, but nobody's getting gas, they don't know if they're going anywhere.

The one that struck me is odd, unless Uber is hiring. Because people still need to get around. I guess Uber food, maybe. Yeah.

They're doing food deliveries. But you can't be six feet away from somebody when you're trapped in their car. I don't know, but you can only let one person in at a time. Like, that's essential business.

I had to go get the dogs' flea pills today, so we called first, see if they're open. They were open. I get there. Both nurses are masked up.

No gloves, though. " So you have to go in, stand on the star. I'm about this far away. I said, "My wife just called.

" And she goes back to playing on her phone. And normally they-- Nice. Yeah, normally they, you know, okay, what's your dog's names? Right.

They look it up to make sure you get the right sizes. I've got three dogs. Nope. They didn't look anything up.

Didn't care about the dog's names. Weights of the animals. Nothing. Nothing.

Yeah, they weren't very friendly at all. You know what I think we're gonna do here? We're gonna do like a red X at the front of the door. Yeah.

When they come in. And then I'm gonna leave instructions. It's gonna say put your left hand out. Put your left hand in.

Put your left hand out. Or, you know, and then shake it all about. Shake it all about. And I'm going to make them turn themselves around, and then after that, somebody will say, "That's what it's all about," and then they can come into the store.

Oh. I feel like that would be helpful for the coronavirus. You think so? Yeah.

That's the actual spinning? Mm-hmm. Oh. It's all about the hokey pokey.

Um, I, uh, hmm. Next story's quite long. We're at 25 minutes. You want to go ahead and-- Take a break.

Go ahead and break. Yeah. And then, hold on, I'm looking to see, um, okay, yeah, yeah, we can do that. Okay, we're going to take a break.

We'll break here. This is where we break. This is where we're going to break, so. Boom.

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I'm like, oh, my hand hurts. I'm like, oh, can you stick it out? Can you stick it in? Can you stick it out?

Can you stick it in? Can you shake it all about? Can you do the Hokey Pokey? And usually at that point they figured it out.

God, no! I hate you! That's why we like Mommy best. I'm like, so it's fine?

You're saying it's fine. It's not bleeding. It doesn't look crooked. He's so mean.

Hey, they're boys. Schools are closing, movie theaters and performing arts spaces are shutting down, their doors, sports are on hold. So we have the streaming services and the amount of free time you can get from each one. This is valuable information Michael.

Yes. Amazon Prime Video, you get the most bang for your buck with Amazon Prime. The free trial is 30 days. Wow.

But not only do you benefit from streaming, TV, and shows during that 30 days, you also get music, shopping, deals, and free fast shipping on eligible packages. Oh my goodness. There's no, it's no fast shipping anymore. Yes.

Unless you order medical devices or something. Yeah, we ordered bandannas, they're, I don't know if they're coming. Oh, I went to order these nice Need for Mass, had the little things that you take them out and you wash them, put them back, yeah, not coming until June. " Well, delete.

God damn it. Well, I'll need them by then. Let's see, Apple TV plus Apple TV plus gives you a seven-day free trial, but if you purchase a new Apple device recently, you can get up to 12 months for free. Wow.

CBS All Access, a streamer that brought you Jordan Peele's Twilight Zone. Let's see, you get a free week. Ooh, a free week, CBS. Disney Plus offers seven days.

Well, if you have Verizon, you can get that for a year anyway. But if some random changes you're planning to switch to Verizon in the middle of this chaos, you could actually get to try it out for a year. Which we have done. Oh, so I watched, we watched Onward.

I watched Onward with the kids. Is that the cartoon with the magic? Yeah, it's the two-- I started watching that. Oh, I couldn't do it.

Dude, it played with my emotions, man. It was a tough movie. Oh, was it? " So yeah, that was, you know.

One night I couldn't sleep and I turned it on at 3 o'clock in the morning. I got about 45 minutes in and I was like, "Hmm, now I can't sleep. " Oh, wow. Yeah, no, I liked it and I was like, "Oh God, fuck you, Disney.

" Oh yeah, they killed parents in that joke. Yeah, they really do a great job of really messing with your emotions. I'm like, God, it's so intense. HBO Now, you get seven-day free trial.

Ooh. Hulu, the amount of time you get depends on which service you want. Basic Hulu. What's on HBO that you really want to watch now?

Game of Thrones is done and like... You know what? Most of these they list on what is the valuable show to watch. Yeah.

Nothing listed on HBO. Yeah, I can see that. Just that you get seven days now. I mean, they really, really screwed the pooch with the whole, the way Game of Thrones ended.

Like, I don't want to commit to anything on HBO now. Ever. Let's see. Eight years of my life gone.

Hulu, you get a 30-day free trial. Netflix becomes free trials. Netflix is king. Newbies sign up.

They're giving a 30-day free trial, so you can blow through the comedy specials. Tons of original content. You can documentaries galore. You have to enter your payment details, but don't worry about getting too comfortable because Netflix will remind you that your trial is about to expire before you get charged.

That's nice. You don't get that from most people. Yeah, just slide that in. Showtime streaming service gives users a seven-day free trial.

You just give them a card that's declined. Screw them. Sir, your cards aren't working. Oh, you weren't even going to tell me.

You just started charging. Okay, well, haha, your move. And then finally, Stars gives you seven days. Seven days.

Seven days. Now, Stars has Ray Donovan. You know, from all the ones that are thinking. Showtime has Billions.

I'm thinking about CBS All Access, because there's a lot of shows on there I would watch. Yeah. And Stars. I think I'd watch shows on Stars.

Ray Donovan's really good. Steve Donovan's really good. S. channel on Amazon, if you add it, you don't get the $5 thing, it's...

You gotta pay the whole... 95, I mean, it's not hugely different. Monthly. S.

app separately and do that whenever. It's cold. But this brings us to acting, Michael. Acting.

Acting. Yes. As your partner in a production company, I feel I have a vested interest in you becoming a better actor. I see how this is all written down.

Oh, yes. So I've compiled a list of what has to be 20 or 30 minutes of intense research for how to become a better actor. Okay. But we're running short on time, so we're going to skip on that.

Oh, after that whole speech, you just skipped it. Yes, yes. The best way to improve your acting performance, Michael, though, is to understand how you look on camera. Once you know your movements, emotions, reactions, view in front of the camera, then you will know how to master your acting skills and add tools to your acting toolbox.

That's interesting. So, Michael, I have us a scene. Oh. You do.

I have copies for both of us. No, no, I did not write this. I found this online. It is a short scene.

I didn't even get to look at this. No, no. You've already looked at it. Well, yes, of course I have.

So how do you expect me to have... Well, okay, we will preface this by saying this is on the fly. Let's do this. Okay.

You are gonna be Rex. Ooh. I am Billy because Rex has bigger sets of lines. Okay.

Okay. The dark one, the bold print is the stage direction, so I will read that also, okay? All right, Rick sits on the couch, an emotional Rick. A ton of blow is on the table before him with a dead, blonde-haired woman laying face down.

Keys her jingling in a door. In walks Billy. Okay, I'm Billy. Okay.

Unbelievable. Yeah. Billy looks the girl over. Jesus, how can you just leave her like this?

I'm not good with dead people, man. When did you first notice her? Man, I woke up to take a piss, and there she was. We went to bed together.

You should be looking at the camera, Michael. Well, I have to read. Oh, that's true. Okay.

All right. I've never seen this. That's true. Okay.

All right. All right. Go ahead. We went to bed together, so she must have gotten up during the night to do some more, and she died.

What the hell are we going to do? I have no idea. That's why I called you. Oh, yeah, right, right.

Um, does anyone else know about this? Just you, Billy. Just you. Who is she?

She's actually Sisko's wife. Sisko's wife? Gangster Sisko? Yeah, man.

Her phone's been ringing non-stop. He keeps calling. Man, this is so serious. She's already starting to go, to go stiff, man.

In case you wanted to wrap her up or something. I like that it's your problem now. I can't believe this, Rex. Do you realize how insane this is right now?

Yeah, yeah, yeah. How are we gonna get her out of here? We have to wait until nighttime now. That's what I was thinking.

There's a chute, a garbage chute that we can push, push her in, and we can pick her up in the basement. Then we can bring the car over, maybe roll her up in a carpet or something. Wait a minute! What?

Cisco is probably geolocating her phone right now! No! We need to get rid of her phone right now! Should we break it or flush it down the toilet?

You don't flush it down the toilet, man! We need to turn it off! Just switch the damn thing off! It says switch off the geo.

Yeah, I'm ad-libbing, Michael. Right, let's do this. I got this. I got this.

There's a knock on the front door. Rex and Billy, stare at one another. So where did you find the dead? End scene!

So you find a dead, there's a dead woman and some cocaine. You're like, I want to find a role where there's cocaine involved. Well, next week we will try one that's a little bit harder to stretch your acting muscles a little. I need to be a little more prepped here.

I mean, I appreciate that. That's very thoughtful of you, but I'm all for this. This is fun. Okay.

Well, I googled short two-person plays or something like that, or screen plays or something. I don't know the exact wording. I found a website that has several of them. There was man-man, man-woman, teenage girls, I mean, you could have done anything.

So you said cocaine, dead. We're doing cocaine, dead cocaine hooker, yes. Dead hooker. We were this close to doing the one where you're having an affair with my wife.

Oh, man, that's a little over the top. Yeah, I figured that was a little bit too much. Yeah, especially for the first act, first scene. Right, right, so.

But yeah, let me research it, let me look at it and, you know. I don't know, you don't get to pre-read these. Why not? Because it's better, Michael, that you just, you get hit with it, and then we just see how, Okay, we'll do that, I'll find one, I'll find one tonight.

So let me explain to you how acting actually really works. Well, I did 20 or 30 minutes of in-depth research. With the limited knowledge that I have of this, it's important to understand what you're supposed to say, but the trick to it is to not anticipate what you have to say after the next person's line. So you always have to live in the now moment of the comment.

Like that's what acting is kind of all about. It isn't, I'm not good with dead people, man. Well, I thought I did an excellent job on my part. No, but like, well, yeah, 'cause you've researched it prior too.

I didn't read the entire play. No, I didn't. Okay, I didn't. I just, it gives a little synopsis of what it's about, and I went, oh, dead hooker.

So, this is fine, but like, I mean, give me a fucking shot at least, for God's sakes. Alright, I will pull the next one earlier and give it to you two days in advance to rehearse, work on it. Rehearse. Would you like we would just do it with memorization next time?

I mean, no. Ooh, that's a line. " The dead hooker, Mike, the dead hooker. I'm like, "Oh, yeah, that was it.

I don't know. " I like the fact that it's Billy's problem now. That was totally a good role for me. " Well, I took it because you had that story where you played that joke on Greg.

Right, Cisco's Wife. Yes, that's where I went with it. No, he would have been Billy. I think it was Amazon at the door, it wasn't Cisco.

I don't know. Let's see. They had brought a screen patio set in that somebody was waiting for for four days. Give me one second, I lost a page.

Oh, man. All right. Nope, that's not that either. Ugh.

My head producer. I lost a page. All right, anyway. And then the final story for this week, in Tampa, Florida, a woman in Flagler County has been arrested after deputies say she put Easter eggs filled with pornographic images in residents' mailboxes.

Ooh, was it Carole Baskins? No, no, no. On April 8th, Flagler County deputies said that they received calls about a woman placing plastic eggs in mailboxes on Hernandez Avenue and identified the suspect's vehicle. A 2004 Silver Honda Civic official said the eggs contained pornographic images, non-threatening references to nearby churches, And county buildings and other items.

, deputies located the vehicle traveling north on Bell Terror Parkway in White View Parkway. The traffic stop was conducted where the deputies located April Crestoni, a 42-year-old woman. So, I have questions. Yes.

Because, you know, where's the line here when it comes to the pornography? Were they all Barry's, you know? Because, I mean, Instagram is inundating me with pictures of Barry. Oh, that Barry.

That Barry. So did you get the Easter, the chocolate bunny berry? Well, I beat him to it, and he goes, "Damn, you beat me to it," and then he dropped another one with a dyed egg. Did you get the dyed egg one?

No, no, I got the Easter bunny. I tried not to antagonize Mr. Nexagram. He was obviously upset about the fact that I had beat him to the delivery of the chocolate bunny.

We did, now this week, also get a berry from Skip Martin. Oh, you did? Didn't you? Yeah, it was in that same group text.

Yeah, but he was in the office. Yeah, yeah, you couldn't say it. Only some of you would get it. Right, but we know who Barry was.

So, like, was she out doing Barry posts? Because I feel like, eh, maybe, you know. Let's see. Like, that's just one of the three, like, if, you know, it was Tiger King, it was Barry, or if it was COVID information.

I mean, those are the three things that are circulating. She was educating people. She had distributed over 400 pamphlets in the past few days. 400 pamphlets.

Wow. A bag of pornographic material was found inside the vehicle. " Oh, it's a regular crime spree, Sheriff Rick Sniley said. But like, if you're a guy, you know, like, you go and you get the mail and you open it up and there's something obnoxious.

Yeah, some lady blowing some guy or something. I mean, you just kind of laugh at it. Like, "Oh, what are you looking around? " And they just throw it away and just move on.

You know what I mean? Thankfully, she did not appear to be sick with the coronavirus symptoms. Well, that was nice. I appreciate you not -- But she certainly needs some help.

Yeah, obviously. This, again, proves that see something, say something works, and we thank the community for being part of our guardianship. I mean, the damage was done. She hit over 400 houses.

There's no way they got all those back. That's what I'm saying. That was not wrapped up. She was arrested and charged with 11 counts of disturbing -- Distributing, thank you, obscene material, only 11 counts out of the 400.

Well, Nyxagrammen should definitely get charged for 400 counts as well. Also determined that Cristoni did not have a valid driver's license. That was at least of her problems at that point, so, you know. She's being held on $7,000.

I'd like to see how that plays out. Ma'am, I need you to step out of the car. We have started a GoFundMe to get Mrs. Cristoni out of jail.

Save Mrs. Cristoni. Save Mrs. Cristoni.

And to supply her with some appropriate pornographic materials. I mean, sadly, a woman like that doesn't belong in jail. When she's in jail, she needs mental help. She's just trying to educate the people.

Yeah, she needs, you know, she needs some medication and she needs a therapist. I wonder what she thinks she's educating them on, on different positions or things not to do? Well, we don't know, we don't know the details. We did not get an egg.

Yeah, you know, I need to know exactly what. So, if somebody got one of those eggs, if you could send them to Michael, care of Cigar Hustler. Yeah, that'd be fantastic. I need information.

I need more details. We need boxes of pornographic eggs, please. So with your free time, send Michael pornographic eggs. Little berries in the eggs.

Little chocolate berries. Little chocolate berries. They can be cherry filled and then the stem of the cherry can be... Oh my god, that's so evil.

After I found this story and I had sat on it for a day, I saw it on the news. They showed the woman. It made national news. Of course.

Well, listen, man, Florida's got to make national news. I feel like it's either weekly or bi-weekly statement, you know, something that has happened from some fucking nutbag in Florida always makes national news. Somewhere, somewhere in Florida. I mean, I remember, it wasn't that long ago, the lady was from Deltona, she had back pain and she had to take her kids to South Carolina, so she pulled over, got some fucking heroin to make the trip, almost OD'd on I-4.

Well, there you go, mother of the year. And their kids called 911. So, and then of course, it's like, it's all over. Hey mom, mom, can we play with your phone in the backseat?

So it starts on, you know, you get local news that one night, and then, sure as shit, man, next day, it's national coverage. I'm like, I mean, you're not really helping us. Did they play the 911 call? That would be...

No, I don't think that you can. Uh, hello, this is Bobby, my mommy's all high up in the front of the car. Mommy's not moving. Mommy, Mommy not move no more.

So, you know, of course she was, she got the NARCAM, she was pissed off, because somebody fucked up her high. God damn it, man. Don't you have to be dead before they can give you that? Uh, well, she was unresponsive.

Oh, well then that didn't fuck up her high, she was, she was dead. I mean, yeah, I would say that it fucked up her high. Hmm. She was not responding.

That's dead. Okay. Alright, that's all I got. I feel like that was a good one.

I mean, you really ended on a couple good notes there. There's a little pornography, a little heroin. I mean, here we are. Cigar Hustlers podcast is crushing it.

That's why we're entertainment. We can talk about anything we want. Anything we want. Cisco's wife.

She must have came back out. I don't know. Hey, hey, I'm looking for my wife. Cisco sounds angry.

Cisco's very angry. He's been calling his wife all night long. Why'd you let her go out and do coke with me? I mean, what's the problem?

I don't think there was a let. I'm going out. She's a whore. She's a whore.

Well, then you just go right ahead and go. See, I was going to get the blonde doll and... And just lay her down. Throw some powder on the table and just lay her over there.

Oh, really? Yeah. I'd have to clean it up, and I decided that was a bad idea. Yeah.

Well, maybe next time. Did you notice no Lysol on your microphone? There was no Lysol. I used Clorox wipes today.

So, just a little... Nice. Thank you. Appreciate you.

Well, you know, you complained the last two weeks. I almost died from inhaling Lysol. I have Narcan over here, Michael. You'd have been fine.

Perfect. I'd have fucked up your high and it would have been fine. What are you doing? Alright.

I'd have to dial 911. Yeah, hello, Mike. He's not breathing over here, no more. Nice.

Nothing like taunting a little kid. No, I was just- His mom just died in the fucking drive, on I-4. On I-4, driving around. Alright, guys.

Remember his social distancing? Like this? Yeah, see, we're apart. We're apart.

We're apart. Not like all the mother shows. They're still sitting next to me, Johnny. Six feet.

Six feet. Wash your hands. Everybody be safe. Wash your hands.

Wash your hands. Wash your hands. Thank you for listening. This has been episode 117.

I feel like 120 is going to be a big one. What do you have planned? Nothing. Just feel it.

It's all thrown on me. Well, you think about it. I have to bring it every week. If it's three weeks from now, we might.

We might, and I don't want to jinx this, but we might start unwinding some of this social distancing. Um, is Universal the end of May that they're going to open? They are, man, it's so brutal. I think we'll still be in this at night.

I just want to go to Volcano Bay, man. I just want to go down to water slides. You can go now, there's no lines! I just want to go floating them, you know.

You better bring a bucket of water, because I'm sure it's turned off. Wash your hands, wash your hands. Maybe they could just fill the whole place with bleach. I just want to go.

My poor wife, you know, so we got – we expended our passes to have the water park when, of course, she was pregnant. So she couldn't go. She couldn't go then. Right.

We had the baby in December, right, so you can't go then. So she's looking forward to it. Oh, I can't wait until April. It's going to get warm.

Yeah. I can go. Still got to go on the fucking slide. She still can't go.

She doesn't do the water – your inflatable water slide in your bag yet? No. No, I mean, no, that's, that's, be realistic, man. I mean, if you're over 60 pounds, you can't go down that slide.

You need a bigger one? Yeah. I do. You should rent one, you could rent them.

A big water slide? Sounds good. Sure, no problem. We'll do that.

I'll film it. You'll film it? You always say you gotta film things. Never bring anything for the show.

Nothing for you. Nothing for the show. Yeah. All right, I'm out of here, I'm leaving.

All right. Oh, wait, wait, do we have a Listener of the Week? Put your headphones back on. We have to do a Listener of the Week.

I don't have a Listener of the Week. Let's do a Shop of the Week. What Shop do you think we should do of the Week? Ooh.

We'll do a Shop of the Week. A Shop of the Week. Hmm. We'll do two.

Two Shops of the Week. Okay. I'm going to do a Shop of the Week. I got one.

Okay, go ahead. What's the name of the shop? Nickel City Cigars. Yeah.

Why are they Shop of the Week? Tony Farrell, because he just placed a big order, you know, and he's been going through a lot of hard stuff, he's trying to open up his shop, and he's finally operational, of course, during the pandemic, so. Yeah, I saw. So, boom.

Alright, boom, Nichols, you know what, then we won't do two, we'll just let him have the whole spotlight. I like that. Alright, Nichols, let his cigars. Alright, now we're really done.

Buffalo, New York. Now we're really finished. You want to give us the phone number? 9-1-1-7.

Don't call 9-1-1. Don't do that. Don't do that. Don't do that.

Because then I'm going to make fun of you. Yeah, hello, I'm calling 911 for cigars. Especially if you're from Florida. Oh, yeah, don't.

Well, they're busy with that lady. All right, bye guys. A Cigar Hustlers podcast, its owners, and its sponsors take no responsibility for the opinions or statements made by the talk show host or their guest. Statements or show topics are not necessarily the beliefs of Mike & Mike Productions or the podcast providers, And opinions between talk show hosts may differ.

It is not our intention to libel, incite, or hurt anyone's feelings. We invite you to write the show's host, Mike Szczepankiewicz, with any feedback or suggestions that you have for their shows. These broadcasts are presented and made public as entertainment in the hope that they will be entertaining to the audience. This has been a Cigar Hustlers Podcast, a Mike and Mike production.

Be sure to listen every Tuesday at 10 AM for all new episodes. Hi, I'm doing... I'm Hoostoy Raw. Yeah, we just don't have to do a single podcast ever again.

Perfect. I'm good, Mike and Mike. How are you guys doing? The Hojo, the...

Hojo! It's the Hojo! You didn't even let him fuck it up all the way. I couldn't get past Hojo!

I don't even have to try to hit the record. He's not even going to try. We're going to cover a lot of ground here, Mike. All right.

Try to keep up. That's a sign of a good podcast. It could be like four cigars when I walked in a door. All right, end this.

Show Notes

Welcome to episode 117.  This week we take Michael on his first Acting lesson!  Find out who is open once again and why Porn for Easter is a bad idea!

All this any more on episode 117!

As always we welcome your show ideas on our FB page, "A Cigar Hustlers Podcast" and you can follow the sow on IG @cigarhustlerspodcast.

Remember to always rate, review and subscribe on which ever provider you use!