Episode 121. Spank the Monkey just got scary....careful where the mayo goes......yes it's late but its not my Fault!!
Episode Summary
Episode 121 of A Cigar Hustler's Podcast opens with the hosts apologizing for a late upload and squabbling over whose fault it was, before Michael recounts a 12-hour same-day drive to Pensacola for a real estate closing — a trip that doubled as a reunion with Dan "Air Dan" Stanley, the man who first put RoomCraft cigars in his hands, and a stop to smoke and catch up with James at Cordova. Listener of the Week Andrew Carpenter earned a spot on that "romantic getaway to the Redneck Riviera."
On the industry side, the guys cover the U.S. Department of Defense joining the Tobacco 21 movement: as of August 1, no tobacco or electronic nicotine delivery system sales to anyone under 21 at any DoD retail outlet, installation, or U.S. naval vessel in port, with signage required by July 1. They react to the timing of the announcement and the fact that service members can be deployed but not buy a cigarette.
The cigar content centers on Cigar Coop's review of the Protocol Votek — a perfecto that scored a 90, with noted flavors of mocha, cedar, white pepper, earth and citrus, medium strength and body, excellent burn, draw and finish, and a "buy multiples" value rating. The hosts note the cigar sold out at the trade show and that Cordova still has nearly a full box. Michael is smoking Eastern Carolina Brotherly Kindness during the show, and they tease a Patreon-only review of the Death Bucket, including new weight data gathered at Skip Martin's suggestion.
The back half is classic Mike and Mike tangents: Jeff Groover's mother sending everyone Facebook friend requests (and Jeff asking them to unfriend her), Groover's habit of gifting giant framed photos, a run-down of top coronavirus myths, a battle with Amazon Subscribe & Save over hypoallergenic baby formula, Home Depot and Publix one-way-aisle grievances, an Apple support saga involving a lost SIM card, and the news stories behind the episode title — COVID-19 detected in semen, the ghost of a masturbating ape haunting a Dorset estate, and IKEA asking customers not to pleasure themselves in the showroom.
In This Episode
- 01Why the Episode Is LateThe hosts bicker over the delayed upload, a missed invitation, and who said Monday versus Wednesday.
- 02Pensacola Road Trip and Dan StanleyMichael drives 12 hours round trip for a house closing, reuniting with Dan 'Air Dan' Stanley and smoking with James at Cordova.
- 03DoD Joins Tobacco 21Starting August 1, Department of Defense retail outlets will stop selling tobacco and vape products to anyone under 21.
- 04Jeff Groover's Mom on FacebookA mass friend request from Groover's mother leads to an oddly formal plea to block and unfriend her.
- 05Cigar Coop Reviews the Protocol VotekA breakdown of the 90-point review: mocha, cedar, white pepper, earth and citrus in a perfecto with excellent burn and draw.
- 06Coronavirus Myths, DebunkedWarm weather, pet transmission, ibuprofen, mosquitoes and hospital avoidance all get the myth treatment.
- 07Amazon, Apple and Home Depot Customer Service HellA Subscribe & Save formula shortage, a lost SIM card rescue, and one-way grocery aisles fuel the rant segment.
- 08Strange News and Patreon TeaseCOVID in semen, a masturbating ape ghost in Dorset, IKEA's public reminder, and an upcoming Death Bucket review for patrons.
Brands & Cigars Discussed
Linked items are in our shop. Mentions without a link aren’t currently stocked or couldn’t be matched with confidence.
Transcript
Welcome to episode 121 of a Cigar Hustler podcast. This week, Spank the Monkey takes on a whole new meaning. Careful where you put the mayonnaise. And, uh, yeah, yeah, we know it's late.
Michael's a very busy man, but better late than never. All right, guys, here it is, episode 121. Mike. Mike.
Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
Mike. Mike. Mike. Mike.
Mike. Mike. Welcome to episode 121 of a Cigar Hustler Podcast. Well, you know, we've been waiting long enough to do this.
We're just getting started, huh? Waiting long enough. We're jumping right into it. Okay, and thank you.
This has been episode 121. If I can get this edited and up so Mr. Martin will stop calling me. Oh, man.
Everybody's angry at you, huh? Yeah, everybody assumes it's my fault. Well, it wasn't your fault. Didn't you say that one more time?
Mike, it was not your fault. It was my fault. You know what, wait, I have to mark that so I can make it a drop for later? I, uh, hey man, I don't have to tell you, I fucked up.
It's just that simple, you know? I think sometimes, uh... You're the king. We all do what the king wants.
I'll tell you this, you know, I have a tendency to sometimes bite off a little more than I could chew. And, uh, because of that, the podcast is a day late. So, sorry, and uh... Oh, it might be two days late.
Depends on how fast I can get it edited and get it up. I mean, it is almost three o'clock. I feel like you're going to get it done. You're the closer here.
m. on Wednesday. So, yeah. So, I...
I have to go cut Skip's grass now, because this didn't get done. That's Sean's job, man. Stop it. Oh.
Sean, don't do lawn work. No, you're right. That's where he draws a line. You've got to be drawing a line somewhere.
I'd be like, look, man, I ain't cutting your fucking grass. Sorry. It's not happening. But hey, you know, if the office is down and you got another- He's got to keep working.
I'm still paying you. I'm paying you full-time for part-time work. So let's go. Let's go, buddy.
So explain where you've been, Michael. Let's hear the story of your romantic getaway to the Panhandle, the Redneck Riviera. Oh, yes. I drove to Pensacola to see- Is that five and a half, six hours?
Six hours. I went and I was there and back in one day. That's 12 hours in the car, too long way to go for a romantic evening out. Well, yes, it was a very romantic evening.
I left at 3 o'clock in the morning, and I got to see the man who started it all, my boy, Dan Stanley, Air Dan. Started what all? He's the first guy that gave me Roma Crafts. Oh, I didn't know what you meant.
" Sure, you're only 12 hours away, no problem. Six, it's a six hour drive. Well, round trip. You know, I'll take the reason, you know, I haven't seen him in, it's probably been three years.
I don't know, I'd have to look, but... So what time was it closing? It got pushed back. It was supposed to be 9:30 in the morning, then it got pushed back to...
Ah, so that's... Ooh! That's fine. It gave us time to go hang out and smoke and kind of catch up, which I wanted to do that anyways.
I'm sure that was the plan after though. Yeah, so instead we did it before. But, um, so you went and saw... Cordova.
Cordova. Yep. That's right there. And then you went back east to Marvin?
No, I didn't have that kind of time. You didn't go, oh, I thought you went to Marvin. So where'd you go after Cordova, anywhere? No, that was it.
Saw Cordova, shot the shit with James, smoked a couple cigars. Gotcha. And that's what I was gonna say. I mean, if you're gonna start shooting back to Marvin and then you gotta go back again, I mean, that's like an hour and a half.
Yeah, if you think about it. That would have been a big waste of time. But it's, you know, so then we went back to the closing. How long does the closings take nowadays?
An hour? Not long. It depends upon how long it takes to fund. But the title company's like, just go.
So we moved down from there, checked out the house, beautiful home. I saw the photo, yes. Very lovely. Really, really nice.
And then we got right back on the road. Oh. Got home by like 1130. Oh.
Yeah. Don't do bad. Brought my dear friend, Drew. Yes.
Yes, that was the romantic. What you're upset about. Well, yeah, I was originally invited along. You were still invited.
Our text. Apparently not, because you never said anything about the rescheduling. Your text. I texted you.
Hey, what's happened? Wait, wait, wait. It was originally scheduled for a day. Yeah.
And then you never said what time we had to leave or what time you had to be there or anything. It was never scheduled for Wednesday. It was always scheduled for Monday. " No, I did not.
" So that means- Never mind. I don't need to know what time we're leaving Wednesday. Well, then maybe you should have been a little- Originally, you did tell me Wednesday. Maybe- I did not.
Yes, you did. No, I did not. Yes, you did. No, I did not.
Well, you know what? The good part is, it's on one of the visual- the rehearths we did, so there's several witnesses. Okay. The V-HERFs?
The V-HERFs. The virtual HERFs. Which V-HERF? It was the Patreon one, I believe.
That's the only one I didn't record. No, of course not. So. Of course not.
So there you go. Well, there'll be somebody on it who will remember. I didn't say Wednesday. Yeah, you did.
No, I didn't. Yeah, you did. Okay. And you still could have gone, but you wouldn't have been able to go because you had to stay with your wife.
Well, yeah, but that happened the day before. I mean, I wasn't even invited on that one. First of all, you're always invited. Well, you always say that, but then you always take these trips and don't tell me.
When you say "never mind," that means you cannot make it. No, that means "never mind," I don't need to know what time we're leaving tomorrow. We weren't leaving tomorrow, you said Wednesday, and I said it's Monday. But when I asked you, I was asking you to see what time we were leaving, and you said, so it wasn't tomorrow, I would have seen you several days between the two and assumed you would have mentioned it again.
You did see me several days. And you never mentioned it again. You didn't say you wanted to go. Well, I assumed at that point Drew was coming.
Let me give you a piece of advice, Mike. No, no. I want you to take this. Yeah, I know.
The something mouth don't get fed or whatever it is. Oh, you know it. See, you know it. It's a closed mouth don't get fed.
Closed mouth don't get fed, yes. But, you know, I'm not going to invite myself to places. Well, at this point in our dear relationship that we have. I don't think so.
I don't think so. I'm not that guy. I had extended the invitation. I had never recanted the invitation, so you should have just- I don't like the un-thing.
It's nice. We gotta see how it looks. Oh, you should see it on the little thing here. I need a tan, and I can see your bone structure in your face.
Well, that's good. You always need a tan. Yes, but worse than usual. Because, you know, you usually- You should see the hat I wear when I go out in the sun.
You're either white or red. There's no- Hey, there's not very- There's no tan. There's not really tan. I can, but it's a very long process and takes a lot of time and a lot of slathering of lotions and sunscreens and stuff and at this point in my life.
You don't need the lotions, you just need the sunscreens. Well, the lotions for after the burn sunscreen didn't work, so, yeah. I can't go out in the sun without something on my nose because I have what they call a cancer spot or something from a lifeguarding injury on my nose and it shows up. It's a lifeguarding injury.
Yeah, I got burned really, really bad when I was a lifeguard as a kid. You didn't put the thing on the nose? No, not the plastic thing or the white stuff? Yeah, the big white line?
No, I mean like two layers of my nose came off and there's a spot, you can even feel it actually. There's a spot on my nose like a square that shows up if I get too much sun on it. You've lived the life, Mike. Very busy, man.
" Well, as long as I stay out of the sun, it's not a problem. " If I stay in the sun, yes it is. Huh. And both my father and my brother both had skin cancer taken off their ears for being on the sun too much.
And now you're tired? I'm always tired. We're just getting geared up, baby. I'm always tired.
Let's go. Well, you know, I was here earlier today and then left and came back. We all don't get these afternoon hours. This is only episode 121.
We don't get these afternoon hours like you do, Michael. Yep, you're right. You're right. I do nothing.
You're the lube of the show, Michael. You know what's going on? You're the lube. I'm just not even going to acknowledge that statement.
So, you know what was kind of crazy is, yesterday, I wasn't feeling well either. I thought I was getting sick the other day, but go ahead. And then I was starting to get like delirious, like, I couldn't remember, like, I could tell that my mind was like, fatigued. Yes.
So, glad I didn't do the show yesterday. I feel better now. Show yesterday. Yeah.
Show yesterday. Well, you didn't, uh, oh yeah, you came in, but it was just you and I here, so. Yeah, so it was on top of, you know, yeah, all of it, so. Yes.
Like I said, my mistake, I apologize. Here we are now. Well, Saturday, we went and ate at an outdoor place, and it must have been pollen kicking up or something, or, you know, maybe they didn't have it clean all the way, and I had, like, allergy symptoms all Saturday afternoon. Watery eyes, sneezing, I thought I was getting sick, Sunday, gone.
Nice, I'm wearing my Lenny, your Lenny, your Lenny approved, Lenny Schmiegel shirt? My Lenny Schmiegel shirt. A lot of photos with Lenny and his baby and his wife. Loves his baby.
Yes, a lot of photos. Loves his baby. A lot of photos Lenny. It's a, he's a good guy.
There was one picture a couple weeks ago of his dad and the dog, made me laugh because they don't like each other. Yes, that's Owlier Smoke Shop, in Arizona. In Arizona, oh a plug. Look at you.
Oh, good show. Slide that in. Yeah. So, yeah.
So, what do we got on the docket today, Michael? You know, that's it. That's all I got. That's all I brought.
Figured it'd be a quick show. We'll be done. Ten minutes. You gotta be better prepared than that.
Ten minutes. I was better prepared on Friday. Well, you should still have that content. It's old now.
The one I was talking about, that's old. On Friday? We don't record on Friday. I offered, though.
And I was even here Saturday. You're just an amazing person. You know, but let's see what we got here. The Department of Defense is banning tobacco salespeople for those under 21 years of age.
S. Department of Defense will join Tobacco 21 movement, I guess it has a name now, as it announced today, which was last week, that as of August 1st, it will no longer allow the sale of tobacco products for those under the age of 21 years old, and its installation basis and properties. So you can get shot, you can be shot at, you can not have a cigarette. Well, it's nice to be known that they're still moving forward with that.
You know, I mean, there's nothing going on that's significant in the world. Yes, let's just make that announcement right now, right? Hey, oh, by the way. By the way.
We're going to start enforcing this come August. Yes, the Office of the Undersecretary of Defense, Undersecretary of Defense, announces policy change which will apply to any retail outlet on the... What is that? So he's like the professional dick holder or something?
That's what it sounds like, doesn't it? The understudy of the person. Oh, I like this. S.
S. S. port. Oh, they covered everything.
Those outlets will be required to post signs no later than July 1st informing customers of the policy change, which will apply to traditional tobacco products as well as electronic nicotine delivery systems. Nothing north of the chiclets. The change will bring the Department of Defense retail outlets into compliance with the increase in the tobacco purchasing age that was made at the federal level in December 2019. Since that time, a number of states and local municipalities have passed their own piece of legislation in order to align their laws with the federal laws as tobacco purchasing age violations are generally enforced at the local level.
For this policy to be effective at increasing the readiness and health of our Army leaders at all levels, They need to communicate in support of Tobacco 21 Laws, said Fitzgerald. Tobacco 21 with no military exemptions was passed because the health of our young soldiers, I feel like he did this, is just as important as their civilian peers. So maybe you should stop bullets then, too, from hitting them, because that's a little more dangerous. I really wish we had a commercial because the next part is a series of stories.
So we'll hang tight. We can talk about some more stuff. I got a good story to tell you. I got something right here real quick.
I got a great story to tell you. You wanna hear? Yeah, go ahead. Go ahead.
Are you sure? Yes. So, Jeff Gruber's mom sent me a Facebook request. Me too.
Yeah. I approved it. Of course. Me as well.
It's Gruber's mother. Me as well. The profile picture was her and Jeff. Yeah, it's like, oh my God.
I looked at it a couple of minutes, I go, Gruber's the middle. Okay, it's his mom. It's Mommy Gruber. Mommy Gruber.
Click, she's my friend. So, I accepted this. Yes. You know, I haven't heard anything.
There has been no correspondence, but the friend request has been accepted. The friend request was there, yes. I got a Facebook message from one said Jeffrey Gruber. Yes, it was a very standard message.
You can tell he sent it to a lot of people. " Yes, thank you for accepting my mom as a friend, but at this time it is no longer necessary. It sounded like a very professional letter. "No longer necessary for my mother to know what I am doing.
" Wow. Super aggressive to his mommy. Ooh, yeah, apparently. Some discourse going there.
So, what'd you do? I unfriended her and blocked her. Oh, I told Jeff to go fuck himself. Oh, did you?
Oh, absolutely. I said, hey, listen, pal. I go, I will never ever, you know, hold anything that your mother says towards you. I go, my mother's just as much as a psychopath.
And if she, you know, if she friends requests you, I'm just gonna, you're just gonna have to deal with it like the rest of us. You know, your mother's not my friend on Facebook. Oh, dude. It comes up suggested all the time, but you're not missing much.
I'm not clicking that button. I mean, the level of insanity, and like, you know, now she's been bottled up in her house for the past two months. Yes, I heard that's where Greg went yesterday. So, yeah, so she's really ramping up her political stances from her fake media news and shit, and like, just really, really making no friends on Facebook.
So, I usually, you know, I have had a tendency to kind of troll and make shitty remarks under some of her posts. You're so mean. Yeah, of course. Which is pretty entertaining for me.
You didn't wish her a Happy Mother's Day on Facebook, either. No, I don't do that shit. You did it for your wife? Uh, not this year.
You put up, well, not the long, emotional thing you guys normally do, but there was a photo. I don't, I did it last year. Yes. I didn't do it.
I didn't do it. I don't remember going back. I'm not, uh... You did one for your anniversary of your first date?
Different. " You know what I mean? Wait, we gotta go back to Groover for a minute. Okay.
Did you see, because it was also his new lady friend's birthday. Ah, yes. Did you see the gift? Yes.
" A nice painting picture. A giant picture of Jeff and her. Jeff and her, yeah. Very nice.
Which is what I hope to get for my birthday this year. You want a picture of Jeff and his wife? No, a picture of his girlfriend. No, a picture of me and Jeff, a giant photo, like that's his thing now, he gives out photos.
That's his stick. Giant photos of you with him. I got this printed. It's me and you.
He's got a deal somewhere where he gets discount printing. How are you smoking? It smelled different. EC Brotherly Kindness.
Ah. Every morning. Gotcha. Every morning.
Wow, I need like sunglasses. I think I just figured out why everybody wears sunglasses on their podcast. I wear my sunglasses on my podcast. What else?
So they probably wear sunglasses because they don't want to see that you're looking at like their cards or anything like that. We don't have cards. We don't have cards. I have paper.
I don't have cards. Paper. Paper. Paper, paper.
I love that movie. I love that movie. So, yeah, Jeff Groover. Jeff Groover's mom.
Facebook friends. Facebook friends. Can't stop us. I mean, I blocked her.
All right, Mr. Coop reviewed your cigar yesterday. He did. The Votex.
I mean, it's a little late now. You can't buy it anyway. It came out in July. He's a very busy man.
And it sold out at the show. And, yeah. Now, it's the following year, May. Yeah.
So, I obviously don't have the entire review here in front of you, but I do have some key. There's just so many words. Oh, there's so many. He's got to scroll on the end, final thoughts.
Yes, that's where I picked up, final thoughts. Yes, that's what I did. Yes, Mr. Koop said.
When it comes to assessing and scoring the Postagna Votek, it's important to know that this cigar scores in the most important category. Taste. Flavor. This wasn't a cigar that was going to deliver anything in terms of exotic or revolutionary players.
While I didn't find the Vo-Tech to have the most complex flavor profile, there was still enough complexity to keep me interested. I also liked how the Perfecto Shaped worked with this blend. This is a cigar that I could recommend to either a seasoned novice or a cigar enthusiast. As for myself, this is a cigar I would smoke again.
Buy multiples. And buy multiples to keep in my humor. Yeah, yeah, buy multiples. All right, these are the flavors now.
So Cordova has like almost a full box. Oh, you should have bought it. I was like, man, are you kidding me? I almost bought them.
I should have bought them. But I didn't want to look, I didn't want to be that guy. Ah, okay, he tasted mocha. Ooh, mocha.
Mocha, opposed to coffee or chocolate, mocha. Is that coffee chocolate mix, mocha? Maybe. That's very difficult.
Cedar. Yeah. White pepper. Earth.
Earth. Citrus. Hmm. Very unusual mix.
Highly poor. When your powers combine, I am Captain Planet. The burn was very good. Draw was excellent.
Yes. Complexity, medium minus. Medium minus. Medium minus.
Medium minus. Slightly. Strength, medium. Body, medium-ish.
Miley face? Medium smiley face. The finish was excellent. Well, there you go.
The value, by multiples. By multiples. And you still only scored a 90. Hey.
Does 90 put you in the running for the Coop Cigar of the Year? I have no idea, but it's better than Charlie Minato's fucking... 89? Yeah.
86. Oh, then they revised it into a 90. I was like, you fuckers. All right, we're at 18 minutes.
We're gonna keep going. Keep going! Keep going! There's more.
So, I have the top myths associated with the correctness of the It's not coronavirus. This is not a coronavirus-free show. This is not. This is not a coronavirus-free show.
It really is hard to not talk about. It is hard to not talk about. Anything. I mean, last week we had UFOs.
I like that some people on Facebook are going on tangents about not wearing masks because they just don't want to wear masks. Right, yeah. And then, you know, that's pretty funny. And everybody's got an opinion.
Yes, I've just started deleting people. We're going to be throwing people instead of trying to argue with them for no reason. All our rights are being taken away. Next thing you know, we're going to be throwing tea into the harbor.
Tea, huh? It's going to look extreme. That's nice. Okay, these are the top myths associated with the coronavirus.
Ooh, top myths. Number one, warmer weather will stop the spread of the coronavirus. That's not true. Not true.
Summer's just around the corner. Some are hoping that warmer weather will stop it. That's not going to happen. Will it slow it?
No. Nothing. Nothing. There are no studies been made.
But the sunlight kills it. It depends on who you ask. Oh. I feel like the CDC said the sunlight kills it.
Like vampires. Like a vampire? Yeah. Oh, it's a vampire.
Oh, I skipped a page. But we'll put an end to the coronavirus, our public health experts. However, caution, this may not be the case. Yeah, so we're just now just waiting on the magical vaccine at this point, then.
Yes, exactly. Myth number two: young people don't get sick from a coronavirus infection. It's a lie! While older adults and people with chronic health conditions including heart disease, kidney disease, lung ailments, and diabetes, ooh, I have almost all of those, are at higher risk than younger, healthier people than getting severely sick from the illness caused by the coronavirus, they are not the only population filling hospital beds around the globe.
Diabetes. Nick Smith, social distancing isn't necessary if you've already been infected, which is kind of what we're gambling on here at the podcast show. Let's take that. You have moved back from the other end of the table.
I have. Should I slide back? Even if you tested positive for the past coronavirus infection, you still need to take the same precautions as everyone else experts say, and that's because we don't have a definite answer yet to whether the previous infection provides extended immunity. We don't know.
But we are saying that it is. I like that Trump doesn't come out now every day. He's like, fuck it. He's still not wearing a mask.
Oh, his aide. Not one of his aides has it. Oh, good. And some of Pence's Secret Service has it, so.
Oh, it's going through. If you don't have a fever, cough, and shortness of breath, you don't have the coronavirus. While fever, cough, and shortness of breath are the hallmark symptoms of COVID, there's not only warning signs of the infection. The CDC recently updated its list of symptoms to include chills, muscle pain, Sore throat.
Loss of taste or smell. Otherwise, common symptoms have been reported, including gastrointestinal symptoms like nausea, vomiting, or diarrhea. Anal leakage. Let's see.
I've got to keep an eye on the time. You can catch COVID from your pet. That's a myth. That's a myth.
I don't think we need to explain it. We'll just keep moving. Yeah. Iverproven makes COVID-19 worse.
Now, I have heard that. Which is a lie. Which is a lie also. So fever and muscle pain are two common symptoms of COVID-19.
Without a formally approved treatment, CDC or evidence of people with mild cases of illness take over-the-counter medications to help alleviate uncomfortable symptoms. But a food news report in March claimed that non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs such as ibuprofen could make a case of COVID-19 worse. That's not true. It is dangerous to go outside.
There's more. Yes. Dangerous to go outside. We're filming time.
Dangerous to go outside during the pandemic. Myth. That's a myth. These are all myths.
It's not like you get to vote. Oh, okay. So you can vote, but always say myth. So it's not dangerous?
From the general advice from experts to stay home as much as possible to leverage your risk of a coronavirus infection, but this does not mean you can't garden in your yard or take a walk around the neighborhood for some fresh air and exercise. Great. Just make sure that you stay away from people. What about nicotine?
Well, we haven't got that far yet. You should avoid the hospital at all costs if you want to stay healthy. Myth. Yeah, that seems like a general rule of thumb anyway.
Yeah, like a... No, that should be true. That's true. That's not true.
You should avoid the hospital at all costs if you want to stay healthy. I think that's a general rule no matter what it is. Who's at the hospital? Sick people.
Stay away from the hospitals. I wouldn't say that one's wrong. That one's true. But if you're sick, you gotta go.
You gotta go in. But this doesn't say, it says you should avoid the hospital at all costs if you want to stay healthy. Well, I think the problem is that people are like getting chest pains and stroking out and they're not going to the hospitals because they're terrified. Well, it does say fewer people are going to the emergency room, because if you stay white, that's where the sick people are.
Yeah, and that's how people die. Ingesting disinfectants can help treat the coronavirus. Well, we know that's quite obvious there. And then finally...
I feel like that's where we lost Trump, when they started doing that. " Yeah, I'm not talking to you guys anymore. Mosquitoes and ticks transmit the coronavirus. Meth.
Oh, very good, Michael. CDC says that this time there's no data to suggest that coronavirus can be spread by mosquitoes or ticks. Well, CDC, what do you know, CDC? Well, they know that all things aren't true.
The main way the virus is through to spread is from person to person through respiratory droplets. So as long as you don't spit at people. CityWalk is going to partially open up tomorrow. Yes, I heard that.
That's nice. All right, we're 25 minutes. Are you going? No.
You guys seem to be more out and about now. You're tempting fates. We are gallivanting. We're gambling a little.
Gambling a little? Gallivanting, having people over, going to restaurants. You know, it's like... Taking the entire family out.
Dude, you know... Taking the next generation of shtepankevichs out to fight the plague. The question of, like, the sanity level is just... And you know, what's even crazier is that people are getting fucking angry.
Like, you know, I went to Home Depot to pick up some tile for my next house project. Oh, you're tiling? The fireplace, yeah. Oh, that's right, you mentioned that, yes.
I am now doing things at other people's houses. Oh. My wife has run out of things for me to do. What time will you be over then?
No, no. I have a nice – Not being that extensive. I just hang photos and move things. I got to read the floors, but I can't afford it.
So why don't you open up your wallet? I understand Drew is quite reasonable. No, I need to buy the material. Oh, I don't provide materials.
You're goddamn right Drew is going to help me with the install. But I don't even know – oh, so I was at Home Depot, and this old guy just fucking lit up. " Like, super angry. Nobody ever helps you at Home Depot.
Even when there's no virus. Well, there's usually a greeter. And it's like, oh, right this way. Yeah, but she wants to sell you an air conditioner.
Aisle 12. No, no, no. My guy's like, it looks like the guy who's at my Home Depot looks like he was, like, hit by a bus or something, so he's like a little jittery. Oh, you know what, they get tax discounts for those.
So, he, but he could answer your questions. Yeah. You know? Uh, Saturday, I was gonna build my wife a new deck by her new pool.
Oh. But I went to Home Depot, loaded up all the wood, and you know, I was gonna make a small four or six footer, well, eight foot's the smallest boards I have, so it's half as many boards, but then I needed a saw, 'cause you gotta cut the boards. I had a saw. Yeah, but it was Saturday, I was driving, it was too much work.
You don't want to bring my saw? No, no, no, I'm not doing it now, I improvised it, but, so I had it all loaded with the saw and everything, and I mad it up in my head, and I'm like, it's like two, three hundred bucks, so. Right. Nah, I don't think so.
Parked it in the door aisle, and they have those big wooden tables that are pre-made, the round tables. Got that and a can of spray paint for $13 total, out the door. Nice. She's just as happy.
Happy as a clown. She's just as happy, yes. Then she had to get a new phone. Oh, that was a thing.
Okay, now to activate your new phone, you have to have the old phone. Yeah. Because with Apple, to verify who you are, they sent a code to your previous thing. Aha.
Her old phone did not come on. Couldn't get the code. And on your Apple Watch, you can get text messages and stuff, But you only get five of the six numbers because the screen's not big enough. Ooh.
It's quite the predicament. So I called Apple on hold for a little bit and I get this very lovely sounding young lady named Kristen. Tell her what I'm going through everything and I'm not allowed back in the house until I get this fixed and she's laughing and so she finds out a way to do it. So we have to move the SIM card from the dead phone into the new phone.
Right. Yeah. So I go to get the SIM card out and you know, you got to put the little paper clip in, you sort of- And you're blind as a bat. Yeah, and you got to flick it, so I get the new phone, but not a problem, get it out, so the SIM card I have to have, which is about the size of your pinky fingernail, very tiny thing, I go to flick it, and it flew out of the phone and separated from the little holder, and I'm in the garage at my new little desk in the garage, so I'm going, oh no, she goes, what happened?
So I told her, so now I'm crawling around, I've got my earbuds in, so I'm still talking to her, I go, I'm never going to find this, I have the holder, I don't know where the car went, she goes, She goes, "No, no, no. Think positive. Think SIM card. " Oh, that's nice.
Yeah, she's very lovely on the phone. Quite the optimist on it at Apple, huh? But we got, I mean, she basically told me how to crack into somebody else's phone with no verification of who I was at all. Perfect.
And now it's up and running. Mission accomplished. It was great. She was very nice.
I'm proud of you, Mike. She happens to be a listener. Thank you very much. I doubt very seriously.
But if anybody knows Kristen at Apple Support, she's very nice. Ask for her when you call. Ask for Kristen. As for Kristen, other than a three-minute hold, she kept me on the phone the entire time until it worked, and then showed me how to make my number a backup from my wife's Apple account to where if this happens again, I can get the text messages.
That's good. She's very nice. I had a battle at Amazon. How much time do we have?
We have a minute and a half. Maybe I should... Save it until we come back? Yeah.
Okay, we'll come back. We'll be right back. Hey, it's Mike too. Want to be part of the show?
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I'm here, Kristen. Thank you so much. Alright, what happened at Amazon? So, my baby has to have this hyperallergenic fucking formula.
It's a pain in the ass. So, it was easier to just subscribe and save to Amazon. This was prior to COVID-19 chaos. I'll just have it delivered to the door every two weeks.
No problem. Well, guess what, Mike? It doesn't come, no, it's not fast enough. It's no longer in stock.
Oh, they're out of it, people, oh, it's like toilet paper. Yeah, so I reach out, I'm like, dude, you know, like I, this is a problem that's supposed to be solved by you. Like, I did the button, like-- I did the button, you should have set some aside. You take the money, and then the product shows up to me.
This, I'm not, this isn't a pool, you know what I mean? This isn't, uh, like this is a situation that - Right, I'm not ordering, uh, new lights for the outside of my house. This is something that needs to be resolved and solved all the time and that like the person was like, uh, like they were having it back and forth and like I don't understand what you mean, I'm sorry, I don't have the product. I'm like, okay, but like why did you sell it to other people who aren't on the subscribe and save if you can't handle the subscribe - You would think the subscribe and save they would set aside.
Like, we have these 10 people, we know it's going to be 20 weeks before we get this, so set aside their allotments, because they're on the button thing. Right, they're on the button thing. Nobody, you know what, they've never had this problem before, they've never had to do that. Yeah, so, yeah, so after having like a 40 minute back and forth with one person, I was like, well, if you can't answer my questions as to why this is happening, maybe...
Sir, I'm sorry you don't understand. We just don't have you. I'm like, but why didn't you handle this prior to? Well, sir, do you understand there is a coronavirus going around, sir.
And I was like, and that is why I count on you to handle my baby's food. Sir, we are not responsible for feeding your child. Yeah, exactly. And I was like, okay, well, if you can't answer my questions, then get somebody on the phone.
Yes, sir, just a moment. I'll get my supervisor. No, it wasn't that. Who would you like to speak to is what he said.
The person? So who would you like to speak to, sir? I was like, the person who can answer my questions, so who would you like to speak to? The person who could answer my questions.
Okay, now start again. Hello, what would you like today? No, I'm sorry, we do not have your formula. So then I said, so then, like, this went back, so after a while I was like, oh, you're being cute, you're just repeating, I'm like, that's really nice.
Reading from the script. I go, that's really nice how you're treating somebody who's, you know. Sir, it says here I'm supposed to say. " would've been the next fucking line.
Just pick a name. Instead, I got, no, Jeff Bezos. Oh, Jeff Bezos. Just go right to the top.
" Jeff Bezos. No. He's worth a trillion dollars. I'd like to speak to him.
He's the first trillionaire. Get him on the phone. So, um, I spoke to another lady. He would've sent seven guys to beat your ass at your house.
Yeah, no shit. So she would have been, uh, so, so I was connected to another person who was very nice, they did everything they could, they tried, and whatever, and you know, it's a lost cause. So we have this non-hypoallergenic formula. Exactly, yeah, good luck.
I can write hypo on label. So, um... So how do you, so do you have to find it somewhere else? I'm gonna...
Baby just, you're not feeding the baby? Yeah, so we just cut her off. Just cut her back. No, I mean, we're...
Sorry, honey, you're on rations now? We'll have to do some kind of other formula, and if there's some kind of adverse reaction, we'll just have to fucking deal with it. Is there another brand or something? There's a similar brand that might work.
Did you order that? We ordered, we went right to the Gerber site to try and order stuff. We're doing what we can. We'll figure it out.
I mean, I'm not going to not feed my baby, you know. Just up the cereal. West Formula. It's just frustrating as fuck, man.
It's like, you know, it's not like I can just go to a place and get it. It's not. Right. It's not some Target carries.
Right. It isn't like a regularly available product. And then, you know, these motherfuckers are all hoarding the shit. " Yes, you should have.
Next time you'll hoard. Yeah, now I got to scramble. Lots of fun. Have you put it on social media?
Maybe somebody in another state could find it? Corona fun. No, I'm not. I'll solve my own problem.
I'm not. That's asking you. You can ask for help. Help me.
Help. No, I'm not. I'm not okay with that. I believe that I have the ability to figure this out and I will solve the problem.
If I have exasperated all possibilities and I really need help, I will reach out, but I got a feeling that I'll figure it out. Alright, well that wraps up the show. No way. Oh no, I have a series of linked stories.
Do you need to get that, Michael? Finally get you to sit down at the table, you spend half the time on your phone. No. All right.
Coronavirus has been found in something else, Michael. Oh, yeah? Pineapples. The new coronavirus can persist in men's semen.
Oh, I thought that we had already officialized that with the testes. It was in the testes, but now it's in the other stuff, too. They have began to recover a finding that raises the possibility that virus could be sexually transmitted. It's in the juice.
A team at the Shanghai Municipal Hospital tested 38 male patients treated there for the height of the pandemic in China. Here, jerk off into this cup for me. Well, they're Chinese, oh, hello, you jerk off now into the cup. You feeling okay?
How's that time? You feeling better? It's coming down a little bit? You need to-- I need you to rub one out.
Yeah, rub one out here? In January, February, 16% of them have evidence that the coronavirus is in the semen. It's in the semen. The team reported, there's a team, in the Journal of-- The semen police.
About a quarter of them were in the acute stage of the infection, nearly 9% of them were recovering, the team reported. We found that the SARS-CoV-2 can be present in the semen of patients with COVID-19 and SARS-CoV-2 may still be detected in the semen of recovering patients. When the dust settles, does the world go after China? Chinese People's Liberation Army General Hospital in Beijing and colleagues wrote, oh, I could really do the Chinese accent here and make this funny.
You had semen professors? We'll skip the quote. A lot of semen. It's not a surprising finding.
Many viruses can live in the male reproductive tract. They have no reproductive tract. Oh, it's not a surprise. Nope.
Apparently, our dicks and balls kill people. But we felt the need for the study. Yes. Ebola and Zika were both found to spread in semen.
Oh, with the COVID. Sometimes, months later, after a male patient has recovered. We checked your semen and you have more than one problem. Apparently, abstinence or condom use might be considered a preventive means for those patients.
In addition, it is worth noting that there is a need for studies monitoring fetal development. Therefore, to avoid contact with the patient's saliva and blood may not be enough, And, only enough, since the survival of the COVID is a recovering patient, semen maintains a likelihood to affect us. You know, the whole Zika thing was pretty fucking scary for a while there, too. Now look at this shit.
Now we're gonna fucking... Well, Zika just gives them the big heads. Little heads. Big heads.
Is it big heads? Maybe it was little heads. Oh, it was little heads. Little heads, little heads, yeah, they look like the, from the movie.
Scary. Yeah. Alright, now, the ghost of a masturbating ape haunts the hallways of a grand country escape in Dorset, England. A ghost?
I'm sorry. You need me to read that again? Let me, I gotta try to envision this. You want me to slow down there?
Wait a second, there's a ghost of an ape that whacks it. Yes. In the hallways. Yes.
Of what? In the hallways of what? An estate in Dorset, England. Ah.
Haunted Alan Thorpe Hampton Hall is a popular wedding venue with romantic spook hunters. Ah. The ghost of a randy monkey haunts the halls of the grand estate, of the grand English country estate where romantic spook hunters flock to tie the knot. Titillated tourists can often hear the saucy specter laughing while masturbating in the hall in the Dorset near Dorchester.
So here's the thing. Here's what I think how this happened, how this all played out. The owner of said establishment is losing business. Well, evidently, this is quite the famous haunted place.
The masturbating ape is in theory. I think this is beforehand. Beforehand. Oh, beforehand.
You know, whenever he hit a lull. He would say, we have a, Phil, make the monkey sounds and then throw the mayonnaise. The guy went ahead and took some quaaludes and he's like, you know, we just need to fucking talk about a masturbating ape that's loose. And boom, all of a sudden business, it's a boom.
It's a boom. Soul-searching couples clamored to have their weddings held there in hope of having the pervy primate appear in the background of their photos. See, exactly. It was a great business strategy.
The Lovable Apes Afterlife Antics have helped the hall to be named as one of the most haunted houses in England. There you go. After being listed on the "We Buy Any Home" list of the nine most ghostly properties, the 15th century house was originally built by the Martin family whose crest features an excited monkey sitting on a tree stump. I would have known that the Martin family was behind this.
" And ask them to make weird noises. Don't move. According to the local legend, the unconventional Martin family did have a pet ape, which was free to wander the halls. When one of the daughters had an unhappy love affair and decided to kill herself, the compassion monkey began following her around.
When she climbed a set of hidden stairs to a secret room, the ape trailed behind and watched as she took her own life with the door bolted. By the time the family searched of the house and grounds, eventually locating the room, the ape had starved to death next to the woman's body. Now its ghost haunts the halls, awful scratching at the paneling of the secret room and staircase in an internal frantic attempt to escape. But the monkey is not alone.
The house is repeated to also have six other ghosts, all human. Oh, and just the one ape. Yes. There's been a structure on the site since Saxon times.
Andrea Cook, who lived in the house with her family for more than 20 years, said she has witnessed all sorts of odds and inexplicable things. But while many people have a rational explanation, she said there are always some who do not. Excellent. Hold on, I need to find a page.
I need to find a page. Spank the monkey, spank the monkey, and let's spit here. Yes. All right, here we go.
Okay. Now- Are we still talking about the ape? No, no, that was the end of the ape story. Well, that's good.
Ikea would request that you do not masturbate in their stores. Frowned upon, then. Yes, frowned upon. Reminder, after a viral video had came out.
The video had come out. Ikea is not the place to get your rocks off. That's the company's friendly reminder after a woman pleasured herself on camera inside a store in China. The Swedish furniture company is kindly reminding folks- What is going on in China?
Not to masturbate while shopping after footage of a woman doing just that went viral on Chinese social media. Well, they found out that COVID's in the semen, so she- So wait a second, there is a Chinese social media? It's not regular by the government? Uh, no, they do have one.
It's called WhatsApp. Yeah? Yes. Hmm.
It's not as open- It's more open as ours is, and it's more, um, you know, you think the government would have shut that one down? You would think. Now, in the raunchy clip, you see a half-dressed woman touching herself while sitting on sofas, chairs, and beds displayed throughout the store. At one point, other shoppers walk by and seemingly get a peep show.
The woman even twerks for the camera. Oh, very nice. Ikea is very concerned this could become a trend, the Swedish Homeware Group says. We resolutely oppose and condemn this kind of behavior and immediately reported it to the police in the city of the suspected store.
Ikea's reminding shoppers to visit the stores in an orderly and civilized way, uh, translation, hands to yourself, social distancing and all, but not on yourselves, please. The woman's horny hands are even forced to Ikea's hand. The company says it's beefing up security in stores. The unclear, uh, it's unclear when the video, which has since been scrubbed from Chinese social media, was shot.
No one is wearing a face mask in the footage, which makes it seem like it's a masturbating hit-up Ikea before the coronavirus outbreak. Bottom line for IKEA, they want you to do it yourself, that just means the furniture. So, IKEA has these little sections, right? Yes, it's like a maze where you go through it.
You know, you have your master bedrooms. Like your... Master bedrooms? Kids' rooms.
Yes. And your patio shit or whatever. Yes. So, they just need to build like a master-batorium so people could try it out.
They try it out. You know, if this is the room that I'm going to rub one out, I want to make sure that the furniture is adequate. Do you feel there would have to be constant cleaning of that room? A lot of sanitation.
Yeah, a lot of cleaning of that room. Especially now that, you know, the COVID's in the semen, so. The news should have been like, Ikea embraces Master Praetorium, and people can now make a mess in this particular area. The story about the guy who took in a bunch of arrows and put them on the floor because, you know, you follow the arrows through the store.
And they didn't lead you out, they just led you in endless loops and people just kept following the arrows on the floor. That guy's my hero. He was arrested! Arrested?
Yeah, I forget what the charge was, but yeah. Looping people. We're gonna write this down as looping people. It was something.
I don't know. I just want you to know that I was in Publix? Yes. And now they're all one way?
No. Yes. I went the other way. You know, uh...
Because fuck that! At Walmart, I'll go the wrong way. Target's not doing it. Oh, Walmart.
" Fuck you, Walmart, yeah. But at Publix, I feel it's necessary to follow the instructions. I don't know why. And here you are.
There I am. " Well, if you start at the end, and you're only, you know, you're doing a full shop, so if you're doing a full shop, you do, you know, left to right. So as long as you, you know, as long as you get it started. Yeah, Chinese is this way.
Okay. Well, actually it's this way. It's Hebrew as well. Congratulations.
Hebrew is too? Yeah. Oh, is that from your new Hebrew classes you're taking? Uh-huh, yeah, yeah.
Oh, very nice. Mm-hmm. Okay, we have a Listener of the Week. Tell me who the Listener of the Week is.
The Listener of the Week is Andrew Carpenter. Andrew Carpenter! Listener of the Week. My travel friend.
And as a reward, he got to take the nice romantic trip with you to the Panhandle. A romantic trip to the Panhandle. Oh, it's so nice. It was lovely.
It's nice, that's all I got this week. Okay. And now we have to cut this off because we have to immediately go into the next show. Oh, well, we're going to do, we're going to review the death bucket.
Ooh. That's why I'm not smoking during this show. Death bucket on the Patreon. Very nice, terribly exciting.
All right, guys, this is episode one, two, one, two, one. And it's interesting, some of the information that you've already obtained about weight. I don't want to give any of the details away, but... I don't give any of the details.
" Right, you should have more data. So, we've obtained more data. We have, yes, more data. We're just raising the bar here for you, on all levels.
Well, for the patrons, for the patrons. I feel like, you know, all the way around though. Yes, make us better media personalities. Yeah.
We're just trying to make podcasts great again. That's what we're trying to do. Oh. Next week, they'll be able to see us again, because we won't be washed out by the bright light.
Uh... Oh, yeah. I hope we're nice and bright for you. So...
To me, it's not interactive. We need to do one of these live. Ooh. Bold.
We'll do it live. Bold. Alright. By the end of the year, we're going to do it live.
And you don't have any, uh, we don't have any new countries or anything? You haven't looked? No, no, well, you know, the virus, so we got North Korea back, but that's because Kim Joon's not dead. He's not dead.
He's not dead, so we got that one of the listeners back. No, nothing, I think these last seven or eight aren't gonna, they don't have Wi-Fi I'm just going with, they don't have internet. Shut it down. Mostly, it's still in Africa.
Everybody's streaming movies and shit. Well, it's, you know, there's the premium channel and the Pornhub's still free. " Well, now, how many fucking things do you have to buy? You're well above DirecTV or cable or whatever you had, you know, because if you want all the different content from all the different shows, you know, it's over a hundred dollars a month.
Oh, it is. It's terrible. Well, we're changing internet providers in my house. Oh, that's exciting.
When I went to get the new phone, the guy made me a pitch that saves me $30 a month, so. Done. Done. Done.
All right. Anything else, Michael? Nope. Congratulations on your new internet, Mike.
I'm very excited. It done so till Friday. I tried to plan it around the tapings of the show. And that's all I have.
All right, we're gonna go. Talk to you later, bye. A Cigar Hustlers podcast, its owners, and its sponsors take no responsibility for the opinions or statements made by the talk show host or their guest. Statements or show topics are not necessarily the beliefs of Mike and Mike Productions or the podcast providers, and opinions between talk show hosts may differ.
It is not our intention to libel, incite, or hurt anyone's feelings. We invite you to write the show's host, Mike Szczevankewicz, with any feedback or suggestions that you have for their shows. These broadcasts are presented and made public as entertainment in the hope that they will be entertaining to the audience. This has been a Cigar Hustlers podcast, a Mike and Mike production.
m. for all new episodes. Hi, I'm doing, I'm Husto-E-Raw. Yeah, we just don't have to do a single, uh, single podcast ever again.
Perfect. I'm good, Mike and Mike. How are you guys doing? The Hojo, the...
Hojo! It's the Hojo! Demandre... You didn't even let him fuck it up all the way.
I can't get past Hojo! I don't even have to try it. He's not even going to try. We're gonna cover a lot of ground here, Mike.
Alright. Try to keep up. That's a sign of a good podcast. You'd be like four cigars when I walked in a door.
Alright, end this.
Show Notes
We apologize for the late posting....but here ya go!
Spanky the monkey......Please hold the Mayo and so much more......
This week on Episode 121!
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