Episode 88 The Birthday Show

Episode Summary

Episode 88 is a loose, celebratory hangout marking Mike Palmer's birthday, with Matt Hunt, Michael Szczepankiewicz, and a rare second appearance from Michael's brother Greg Szczepankiewicz, who arrives late after taking his dog to a specialist. The first half is pure banter: Michael recounts a family trip to Walt Disney World's Magic Kingdom (and his gripes with the park's exit logistics), the saga of shopping for an UPPAbaby Vista stroller ahead of his new baby, Palmer's birthday "wisdom" on marriage, and Matt's misadventure ordering knockoff AirPods from a Facebook ad that got his credit card compromised three times in a day.

Cigar-wise, the crew smokes FQ Phenom #1s from 2013 — a birthday stash Palmer had been saving — plus an EC Brotherly Kindness, and they talk about the Phenom's Ecuadorian Connecticut wrapper. There's also a running joke about Neanderthal LH cigars being "abandoned" around the shop and claimed by Palmer after 24 hours. On the business side, the guys discuss a pitch from author and spirits/tobacco writer Richard Carleton Hacker's PR rep, and their policy of not doing phone-in interviews since guests like Skip travel from Estelí and Houston to appear in person. They also give a show update: new listeners in Somalia, 120 YouTube followers, and availability on iHeartRadio.

The second half is the podcast's first-ever game show, hosted by Palmer with a kazoo buzzer system and a tequila-filled squirt gun as the wrong-answer penalty. Round one is movie quotes (Heathers, Monty Python and the Holy Grail, Airplane!, The Blues Brothers, Ghostbusters, Raiders of the Lost Ark, Coming to America), and round two is cigar trivia covering the darkest wrapper shade (oscuro), the three parts of a hand-rolled cigar, Connecticut as the premier U.S.-grown wrapper tobacco, ring gauge as the second cigar measurement, and long-term storage conditions (65 degrees / 70% humidity). The episode closes with a birthday care package from Bang Energy — including the Star Blast and Birthday Cake flavors — and a rambling debate over whether Lethal Weapon is really Danny Glover's movie.

In This Episode

1. 01
   Birthday Kickoff and Disney Rant
   The crew opens with Mike Palmer's birthday and Michael's grievances about Magic Kingdom crowds, the monorail breakdown, and 12-hour park days.
2. 02
   The Stroller Story
   Michael recounts shopping for an UPPAbaby Vista for his new baby girl and fending off a pushy salesman hawking a German-engineered alternative.
3. 03
   Birthday Cigars: FQ Phenom #1
   Palmer breaks out 2013-vintage FQ Phenom #1s with Ecuadorian Connecticut wrappers, while Matt smokes an EC Brotherly Kindness.
4. 04
   Show Business: Richard Carleton Hacker and the No-Phone-In Rule
   The hosts explain why they turned down a call-in interview with the noted cigar and spirits author, since in-studio guests travel from Estelí and beyond.
5. 05
   Show Update: Somalia, YouTube, and iHeartRadio
   A quick rundown of new listener territory, 120 YouTube followers, the Patreon, and the show's arrival on iHeartRadio.
6. 06
   Greg Szczepankiewicz Joins Late
   Michael's brother Greg makes his second podcast appearance after a vet visit for his dog's eye nerve damage.
7. 07
   First-Ever Cigar Hustlers Game Show: Movie Quotes
   Palmer runs a kazoo-buzzer quiz on classic movie lines from Heathers, Monty Python, Airplane!, Blues Brothers, and Raiders of the Lost Ark — with tequila squirt-gun penalties.
8. 08
   Cigar Trivia Round
   Questions cover oscuro as the darkest wrapper, binder/filler/wrapper, Connecticut wrapper leaf, ring gauge, and ideal 65-degree, 70% humidity storage.

Brands & Cigars Discussed

Linked items are in our shop. Mentions without a link aren’t currently stocked or couldn’t be matched with confidence.

Transcript

Welcome to episode 88 of a Cigar Hustlers Podcast. What? Oh my goodness, what's going on? Yo, it's rock solid.

That's right. It's that time of year again. It is September 24th, 2019. It's Mike Tooth's birthday.

Today is your birthday, it's all about you. Today is your birthday, go and act a fool. Today is your birthday, what you gonna do? I'm gonna celebrate all day, me too Today is your birthday, it's all about you Today is your birthday, go and act a fool Today is your birthday, what you gonna do?

I'm gonna celebrate all day, me too Today is my birthday, what you gonna get me? I'm headed to the club, baby, come party with me Let's make a toast, why? It's a celebration The day that I was born, show me love, stop hatin' I get that cake, I get that cream Today I don't stress, I just stay fresh and clean What would a least hope ever be? I'm going to hear that.

I'm going to hear that. Nice. And hear a little bit of the music. In this episode 88 of Cigar Hustle Podcast, we have Matt Hustle.

Hi. Hi. And we have someone else coming in who's not quite here yet. He's running late.

Still not here. We've actually gone through the show three times and still not here. This is take number four. Yeah.

Still not here. So Mike, you were talking about strollers? Hey, if you could just recap that entire story one more time. So you want to hear the stroller story again?

Stroller again, yeah. So there I was. In an Indonesian jungle. Wow, it's got way more vivid, way more vivid this time.

We'll act it out while he talks. Give me the guy with the tongue. That was the jungle. I don't care if anyone else enjoys this show, I'm going to have a ball.

I'm going to have a ball. You can't look at the camera now because somebody complained to-- They were looking at the camera too much. Yeah, so I don't-- Me in particular, or you guys? Yeah, no, they said Matt Hunt.

Oh, jeez. They weren't comfortable with Matt Hunt. Very specific. No, they said everybody, I guess.

I don't know who the hell said it, though. He won't give it up. I don't remember. I think it might have been Jessica.

Oh. What the hell does she know? My favorite thing is they go, she knows nothing. Pretend like we're not here.

Pretend like we're not here. I feel like I'm still low. You think so? Yeah.

I have not adjusted yours at all from last week. Yours sounds a little off too. How does mine sound? Oh yeah, yours sounds good.

Sounds pretty good. Hello? Hello, hello, hello. That's the wrong way.

Hello. Test, test? Yes. That's better.

Okay. Your voice sounds bad to start with. Oh God. You're a little hoarse.

You sound horrible. You don't have your normal dreamy nighttime voice. I was out of the theme park. I went to fucking Magic Kingdom for my little guy's birthday, and that's the worst theme park on the planet.

So many birthdays. Can we talk about that real quick? I just want to know that Disney will never endorse us because I hate Magic Kingdom so much. It tastes like diabetes?

The whole park? It's the number. It's like the park that everybody goes to of all the Disney ones, right? Right.

And they have yet to update the fucking exit strategy on this goddamn park for the past 45 years. One way in, one way out. You gotta take the boat, or you gotta take the fucking tram. When you have 65,000 people, it does not make sense.

Hey, it's called building camaraderie? It doesn't work. No, it's called, we're getting on the ferry boat, or we riot, is what it's called. It's absolutely insane.

Did you see the story where the monorail died the other night? Yeah, that was the day before we went to the... Where they went down? " Well, at least not the day you're there.

Yeah, that's true. Can you imagine your boys trying to get in that bucket that they had to... That bucket? Oh, they would have loved that.

They bucket-lifted the people out. How about my fucking extremely pregnant wife? She would have had a great time. That's right.

She'd have to go down by herself. Yeah. Oh. No, she would not, that wouldn't, we took the ferry.

We'll take our chances with the alligators in the lake. I'll survive that shit, don't you worry. They've killed all those, they're gone. It's like fucking Titanic.

They've gotten rid of all the alligators. Yeah, allegedly. Because it ate that kid. Yeah.

You know, they don't talk about that shit at all. They removed the fucking crocodiles from Animal Kingdom. Oh, did they really? They might be back now.

But also, who would be the ones to talk about it? Hey guys, remember when we let that kid get eaten? Good times. Glad we had that happen once.

Don't want to have that. Exactly. Well, they put like a little lighthouse where the kid was taken. Oh, did they?

Yeah. And there are signs everywhere now. Oh, yeah. Stay away from the water.

Stay away from people, water, clowns. We put up a sign, it's not our fault. It's insane, dude. So, yeah, they need to work on that.

Someone back to the stroller. So, there I was. Indonesian jungle. I was trying to get...

Fighting the Rebels. The Sandinista. The fashion Sandinista. Listen, we need to stay on track here.

You guys are really messing me up. I wanted to get this stroller. For my new baby, it's coming. Oh, nice.

Of course, you know. A baby what? A baby girl. Yes, a pink stroller.

So I wanted to get this, listen, I already have Mike Palmer cutting me off in sentences, I don't fucking need you too, pal. That's why he's sitting over here. Yeah. Oh, man, this is nice.

So. We'll just do the wave when he talks. So we wanted the Vista, we wanted, I'm gonna leave, I'm gonna leave, I don't, I don't have patience for this today. Don't look at the camera.

Is that somebody knocking? It sounded like somebody was knocking. I think it was knocking. Hello?

I don't know. Secret guest? Surprise visitor? No, he's not here.

So, look at the cameras, I don't see anybody. So, the Vista Uppababy was the one that I wanted. Or the one that we wanted. I don't know, like I wanted the Mac Daddy one.

Fuck that, because it's got air conditioning. You can actually parlay this thing. You can add accessories. So, like, what's really cool is there's a bassinet option that you can put in, which is cool.

And then you can modify it so that there's two front seats, and then you can do like a back standing push thing so that you can, I could put all three kids in this little contraption. So the little one sits in the front, and then there's a like a rumble seat. The baby sits up top. The rumble seat's on the front.

The baby sits up top in the best in that. The baby sits up top. And then, what? And then Jax can roll.

Can stand. It's a triple decker. Yeah, it's pretty dope. Wow.

So as I was buying this thing. How long is this thing? It's not that big. And it's awesome.

The children are stacked on top of each other. What are you talking about? It's very short. So as I'm buying this thing, there's some guy who works there with this other brand shirt.

He's like, "Oh, you should buy this one. It's motorized. It's got side impact. Side impact?

You never know. " It's German engineered. I was like, "Look, dude, I already fucking made up my mind. I want this driller.

Go away. I don't need you anymore. " So it's like a self-propelled lawnmower. Yeah, that guy was living the stroller dream.

It was made by Mercedes. It'll change your life. It'll change your life. Hello, we have your stroller here.

If you love your child, if you love the child, put the child. What ethnicity is this salesman? It's German. He says German.

He's running an Indonesian jungle German salesman. It's the name of the movie. Yeah. You know what's funny is he doesn't have headphones, but you know, But you know, you're crinkling the shit out of it.

Oh, shit! That's my way of plugging a cigar. Hey, buy FQ cigars. Speaking of FQ cigars, what are you guys smoking?

Because you need to be smoking this. Well, I have one, though, you gave me for tomorrow. For tomorrow! Well, you gotta smoke this one now, too.

I get two? You do get two, because you gotta smoke something during this. These are our original FQ Phenom #1s from 2013. That's older than you guys.

Oh, so close. So close. I'll just go ahead and sell it up. Let's go ahead and eat up that audio.

This is nice. I miss this. Passion Sandinista. That's right.

I'm smoking the EC Brotherly Kindness, because fuck you, Matt. That's right. That'll be for granted. I actually have my FQ here.

I'll smoke that afterwards. I got one of the employees asked him for a cigar, and he goes, no, these are birthday cigars. Hey, it's called Priorities. So, hey, it's your birthday.

Technically tomorrow, but yes. Mike Palmer, no, technically today, because it's going to be when this airs. Well, yes. He's so confusing sometimes, like, you know, he likes to mess all that up.

I'm old. Today's your birthday, right now. I'm feeble-minded. People, great work.

I don't even remember your names at this point. So how old are you on your birthday? I will be, you don't ask. No, I'll be 52 years old.

52! Damn. What you guys planned? Did you rehearse that?

Are you done with the lighter than the lighter boy? Your dad came into my headphone too. Matt, I think combined we're still younger than them, yeah. Aw, damn.

Geez Louise. Aw, nice. Nice. Fantastic.

Wow. We're close. We are close. We're like 53, I think.

Me and you. Something. Something like that. Maybe 63.

'Cause we're the same age. We're the same age. Yeah, we're both 12. We're both young and spry.

So, I'm definitely not spry. I'm beaten at this point. It's just downtrodden. Sue, the podcast has sucked the life out of me.

Not the kids, the podcast. It's a podcast. Okay, so... So, do you want to tell us what you did this weekend?

You usually start with a family life. I want to know... Mad-ass questions. This is a big birthday.

This is where the interview changes. This is where... Oh. No, I'm just...

Don't burn my notes. I always... It's a two-part. Yeah, of course.

Well, I always think it's interesting when somebody has a birthday. Like, is there anything, any wisdom you can impart to us? I already told you, you need to get engaged. Oh, that's...

There's the wisdom. There you go. " Obviously there's ways to get out of those. "It's great in Florida," he says.

"It's a no-fault state. Right-to-work state. " Yeah, but at this point, you know, Palmer has about 15 percent of his shit left. It's 25 percent.

Greg figured it out. 25 percent? I have 25 percent of my original shit left. Yeah.

So, a quarter of that is his. So, I don't care anymore. I mean, it's... I got nothing left.

I got nothing left. I got nothing left. But that's the wisdom, huh? She knew it coming in because I came with nothing.

The wisdom is get on it now so when you get three or four deep... That's right. By then, they don't leave because there's nothing to take. " Alright, so what did you do this weekend, Michael?

I just told you guys, I went to the theme parks, I went to Disney, and... Did you scare any old women? Oh, what? I got a lot of good feedback on your "scare of the old women's" story.

I didn't scare... Cookies! Ah! Somebody stole my sandwich!

That's another shirt we have to make. #SomebodyStoleMySandwich. #SomebodyStoleMySandwich. I can't tell you my shirt ideas because then you run out and make bumper stickers.

Nobody has seen the bumper sticker. I've seen the bumper stickers. I'm holding it to go with your shirt. You just took it.

It goes with the shirt. Okay. I'll get the shirt. Have you guys had a relationship counselor call in yet?

" No. No? No, we work this out. We're fine.

You come to blows? Is that what it is? It's my fourth marriage. He knows I have nothing.

Yeah, I know he's got nothing. I got nothing to give. Yeah. And so, Michael, are you gonna be doing anything special for your birthday?

Actually, we're coming here, apparently. So, yes, we'll be here. I had no idea. Yeah.

Yes, you did. I know, I did. I invited you. You did.

I thought it was a surprise, so that's why I didn't mention anything to Palmer when I came in. What? You're going to be here too? Wow!

Surprise! How about that? Here's a surprise, your birthday present's going to be late. Surprise!

Surprise! This is... Add to writing. But I got what you wanted.

Oh, we'll see. Can't complain, then. Can't complain. So, yeah.

I assumed that's what the color question was for yesterday. Yeah. Not for, like, what kind of woman I like. No.

No. Black or brown leather. No, it just said black or brown. Oh.

I was, like, in mid... I knew what you meant. Was it yesterday or Saturday? It was yesterday.

No, I was at the park I think. Oh, maybe it was Saturday then. It was late. Yeah, we put in a 12 hour day at the park.

And Brittany can't walk, so she's rocking that electric wheelchair. Oh, did she really? I've never been more attracted to you in your entire life. I'm not gonna lie, man.

They get you to the front of the line too. Not really, not anymore. They have it incorporated where you can get in the fucking line. Stand up!

No, you can take it with you. You can make those angles, don't worry. I don't like those angles, don't worry. Oh, yeah.

Wow. I didn't give a shit about that. That wasn't what we were, you know, we weren't trying to get over on anybody anyway, so. Any little bitch you can.

Dude, she can't fucking walk. She's not supposed to be. She can't ride the rides anyway. Well, she could ride some rides.

Like the slow ones. In Disney, there's a bunch of shit she can ride. Yeah, the ones that are like in the water and they just kind of go, boom. Like the Little Mermaid.

Like, I got little kids, so, you know, the Aladdin carpet ride. Well, you think for safety reasons, I wouldn't want her to ride anything. No, the carpet ride's okay. Brittany can take it.

It's a Small World we did. Is that still there? Oh, yeah. Yes, it is.

I don't remember being... Have they upgraded it or anything? No. It's upgraded a little bit.

I don't remember there being such like... The little singing children broken now, John's hanging off. I'll tell you what, I mean, dude, Justice loved that shit. Kids love that, right?

Totally taken back. " We've done a lot of shit. Go again, go again, go again. You know, she did like the Toy Story Mania thing.

You shoot the little guys? Yeah, you shoot the little guys. So we did Hollywood Studios first, and then we decided to neglect our entire lives. So you did the Star Wars thing?

We walked in it. We didn't do anything in it. Too busy? It's not that it was too busy.

It was dead. It was slow, 'cause you're off-peak, but Justice doesn't give a shit about that. I was there for him. Yeah, it's his birthday.

Yeah. Baby J. Dude, get the cellophane out of your goddamn house. Oh my God, you got the freaking Gestapo over here.

Super aggressive. Yes. Yeah. I remember why I love coming in here.

Okay, so we're going to move on. We were contacted by a PR person. Oh man. Big time.

We were contacted by another attorney? Cont contacted by another attorney. We're not allowed to talk about Disney anymore. So at this point.

We were contacted by Richard Charlson Hacker's PR person to come in and do the show. Yeah. Richard is a nationally publicized author. Oh.

He said you want to talk about that. I did. So he did something like Cigar Journal. He's featured writer on Premium Wine, Spirits, Tobacco for The Rob Report.

Oh, very cool. He's been in Playboy Magazine, Ritz Carlton Magazine, Resort, there's a fax right there from Disney. Resort Living, Smoke Magazine, he's regular columnist for the quarterly review of wine. He writes about pleasurable pastimes for other national and international lifestyle publications as well.

But he wants to come on the show, but he doesn't want to come in. Right, he wants to do a call-in. Right. Which we would have let him come in.

Right. We'd love to have him, but. Yeah, we don't do that. Well, I asked Palmer.

I said, do we know where he's at? I don't know where he's located, but I asked his PR lady when he was coming to town. I mean, look. We would work him in.

Here's the thing. I mean, if you travel all the way from Esteli, you travel from Esteli, you come into Houston, from Houston, you come all the way to Florida. I don't know anybody else that has to travel that far to come to him. My brother's coming from Chicago or something.

So, if we're gonna use Skip as the standard, who travels all the way here, to come on the podcast, how can we accept anybody else via phone? You know what I mean? Like, if you wanna come. No, I understand.

This is a visual show as well. We would love to have you. Yes, it would have been the two of us sitting here talking to the phone. I know, just with a voice.

Right. And besides, I'm on tequila now, and you know, he's a bourbon guy. Well, and especially, I love the Rob Report. You did not mention that out in the lounge.

I love that. Oh, did you read that? I love the Rob Report. Oh, he is an instant copy of his book.

He's every bit of fucking Rob Report. Are you kidding me? Yes, he's very bougie. Yes.

It's a beautiful thing. Yeah. Aspirational, you know. It's a very aspirational magazine.

So, speaking of tequila, what tequilas do you mean? You know. No, I'm saying what tequilas have you been on lately. I know it's still Casamigos.

The Casamigos, nothing? Yeah, this stuff was amazing. Anybody, have you ever tried anything else? Yeah.

Kirkland Signature Silver. Classic. Dope. Dope.

Dope. No, that works. I mean, I like the Casamigos, so. Have you ever seen this guy?

He knows anything about tequilas? He won't come on the show. I don't know. We are getting a copy of his book, though.

Oh, cool. Which is nice. That is really nice. So, we will pass it on to you, and you can read it and tell us about it.

I would love, I would tell you. Oh, we could have Matt Hunt come into a book report. Oh, book report. Did you finish that other book?

It's still in it. What book? It's taking you so long. I'm a busy guy.

What book? That's what I'm doing. What book? Whoa, this guy learns a new Spanish word and he starts throwing it in the guy's face who showed him all the stuff on the road.

Mierda. You're very loud, you're peaking. Arbo. That's right.

It's all you tell us. Tree. But hey, how important is that? Yeah.

Got to have trees. Got to have trees. Without them, you can't breathe. That's very true.

That's very important. Very true. Okay, so go ahead Mr. Mr.

Palmer. Well, you want to do a show update or you want to talk about a little world news? You're in charge. I love that this is the thing.

I got a text from Garrett here. Let me see this. Oh, okay. Go ahead.

Keep going. I want to be on the show. Can I come in now? Is that what it says?

Okay, we're going to do a show update then, because that's one side I don't need to send out. Perfect. Okay. Sorry.

We were right at me. We'd like to welcome Somalia. Somalia. You got Somalia.

We got Somalia. The smaller countries in Africa are dropping in line. Wow. So I like to think there's a pirate, a Somalian pirate that likes to play it as he attacks ships and things.

Yeah. That's such a romantic way of looking at it. He's playing the podcast as he's attacking the freighters. Oh, maybe you can raid Evan-ship.

Also, were you gonna put a PSA out there about your earbud situation? No. I thought you should. Come on, you need to let the people know.

Be careful out there. Oh, an earbud catastrophe. It was a catastrophe. We also now can be found at iHeartRadio.

Oh! Yes, you text me that, angrily text me. iHeartRadio! The secret guest is here.

The secret guest who was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago is now here. It was like three hours ago. He's gonna be here at 4:00, he said, it's 4:20. You have to sit close to your brother, you need to slide this way a little bit, like we're great.

See that piece of tape? You gotta be on this side of that piece of tape. Alright, I got it. Alright.

This is a big moment for Mr. Palmer, you know. We're all here. Greg needs to move closer to you, Michael, you need to move more this way.

This is awesome. I'm really excited. So who's the guy next to me? This isn't nice.

Have you guys met? Can we also talk about the contrast in Complexions right now? Go ahead and introduce-- This is amazing. Just because Michael's officially been kissed by the sun and Greg has not been.

No, I don't like that. He's a vampire. Yeah, his house is, you know, he goes home and he's got the little red robe and he's got the little butt hair that he puts on. He's got part of his armor out, his knight armor.

You call it the bordello of blood? There's something like that. The bordello of blood? That's crazy.

It's a movie. It's actually a whorehouse, I don't understand why you call it a whorehouse. I don't know. Well, I don't know what you're up to in your house.

Mike has children, he has no idea what happens anywhere else besides his house. I got Mickey Mouse and shit. Super friends and things running around his house. So, who is this guy next to me?

That is your brother, Michael. That is Greg Szczepankevich. You can tell by the affection that exudes from that side of the table. Cigar Hustlers at Cigar Hustlers.

The other brother. Cigar Hustlers. You gotta be on the mic. The other brother.

Tell him it's got to tickle his lip. It's got to tickle your lip. He loves saying that. It tickled the bottom of your lip.

And I've hated it. It's a little weird. And at this point, I'm just giving in. Well, we also now have 120 followers on YouTube.

Hey. What's up? Very nice. He's really close to me.

He looks great on camera. You guys look very close. Your mother might want that photo for her wall. That is nice.

Wow, that is really nice. No, my mother wouldn't want the photo of them at all, I'm in it. Well, they'll cut you out. She'd have to crap me out.

Cut you out of the photo. Anyway, what Mr. Hunt was referring to, have you seen those ads on Facebook for the ear pods, air pods, whatever they're called? Air pods.

Air pods. Did he just open his Pellegrino on top of the mic? I mean, Jesus Christ. " Jesus.

See, that's why you, don't you miss for all the other episodes with no headphones? Yeah, yeah. Anyway, I went and ordered some through a Facebook ad last night. Oh, good.

But I bought them with an American Express card, just in case something happened. What? How much were they? Well, they only had to pay shipping.

Yeah, no, they're not. Very credible. Always a good choice. Never getting those air phones.

But my card was compromised today, three times. I wonder why. So weird. Mike goes, I don't know if it's correlated, but I don't know if it's connected.

I thought somebody was going to give me a $150 item for free, and now all of a sudden I have no money. It's so amazing. But they bought gas in Florida. They always tried at the gas station.

They were delivering the AirPods. That's what they were doing. That was the shipping. Oh, the $10.

Well, it was $150 in gas. That's a lot of gas. Oh, exactly. Oh, look at that.

Oh, Greg. Answer it on the air. Go ahead, answer it on the air. He does a good job of talking to Mike.

My first time I was all over the place. I was. Well, it's his second time on the show. Yeah, I've done this once before.

He did the Island Gym episode. We did the wonderful Island Gym. That was the point when I realized that I was definitely needed on this podcast. Greg, where are you coming from, man?

How's the dog? You want to give a dog update? I had to take the dog to a specialist today. The money pit gets deeper and deeper every year.

He's got a nerve damage in one of his eyes. I don't know his eyes. Oh, gosh. Do you get to keep the eyes?

Geez. We'll find out. He gets a patch? I think he'll still be a good-looking dog with one eye, though.

Oh, he should give him a patch. We'll change his name to, like, Winky or something. Winky. We'll call him Patch.

Nice. Yeah, well, we'll see. He should be alright, though. Good.

That's why I was late. That's good. For the dog. Alright, okay.

We're gonna take a break, and then we're gonna get into the second half. Yes! Oh, that was the first half? Yeah, we're 25 minutes over.

I'm telling you, I sound low. I'm telling you. You look great. You look good.

You look good. We'll adjust during the break. We'll adjust. All right.

We'll be right back. Okay. Want to become part of the show? com backslash the Cigar Hustlers podcast and pick which tier works best for you.

Thank you very much. We appreciate the support. Okay, we're back. Now, we're doing something different now for the second half of the show today.

We have the first ever Cigar Hustler podcast game show. Na, na, na, na, na, na. Do we have to have a game show of music? I have music that I put in.

Oh. Yeah, you should do it. Go for it. Yeah.

You had it going. You were doing well. Keep going. All right.

Pay attention. These are the rules, okay? I have a kazoo. These are the rules.

Hold on. I get it. I know how to play this game. Uh-oh.

I just lost sound. That's all right. It's because of the things. That's all right.

It didn't really go off. Okay. Here's the rules, okay? There's two categories, total of 11 questions.

Each question's worth 10 points. All the way. Wrong answers, you get a penalty. Other end, Michael.

The little end. Could you start over again? I wasn't listening. I was paying attention to my brother.

Very distracting. You hum into it. There you go. That seems like a half-assed kazoo.

Okay, hold on. When was the last time you played a kazoo to hum into the kazoo? Don't you know how the kazoo works? No, never worked a kazoo before.

There you go. There's instructions. All right, everybody pay attention. I'm going to do this one more time.

All right, more rules. Two categories, total of 11 questions. Each question is worth 10 points. Wrong answers, there is a penalty.

Fuck. Okay. If no one answers the question, everyone gets the penalty. Do we get to ring the ding or something?

Hold on, you're getting the test for a minute. Ring the ding. I'm the final judge, there's no appeals. I want to ring that ding.

Will you be quiet, please, for God's sake. Happy birthday, Michael. You should have thought about that. You wanted all four of us together.

You're like, hey, this is going to be great. This is going to be great. This is what you get. First one to sound their buzzer gets to try and answer the question.

So if everybody would check their buzzers, Matt. Mike, go ahead. Okay. Oh, shit.

Let's trade. All right, Greg, go ahead. All right. All right, first category.

Whose line is it anyway? If you answer early, you'll get penalized. Oh, man. We're doing movie quotes.

You have to say the name of the movie. Oh, get the fuck out of here. Because Michael likes to throw movie quotes. Oh, and you don't know movies.

So. So this is going to be some shit that I don't know. All right. And you don't know movies.

" Cricket, cricket, cricket. Penalties across the board, everyone loses. Alright, penalties for everybody. " Who's keeping track of the score?

I am. That's the penalty, you get squirted. But no one answered, therefore everyone needs to be squirted. Everybody got a penalty, everybody got squirted.

In case she gets squirted as well for fucking having a horrible question. No, no, no, no. Wait, do we get the answer to that? It's my birthday.

Do we get to get the answer to what that was? Oh, that was Heathers. Sorry, Heathers. What the fuck?

What was Heathers? It's a movie. The movie was? What was the fucking movie?

Heathers. You guys are young. I believe that every single question leading up to the end of this entire competition is going to be nothing but fiction. I just want you to know that there is a line that I have where I'll get squirted X amount of times and then this YouTube video is going to be fucking evidence for me fucking pummeling you to death.

It's one. If you're wondering what that limit is, Michael, it's one. We might be at that limit. Maybe no more penalties.

Fuck, I just took it right in the face. I was looking at him and everything. I was this way. It was just an easy target for him.

You're very close. It was not, that was not right. Alright, here's the second question. Can't that actually write?

Your mother was a hamster, and your father smelled of elderberries. What's the question? That's the quote, you gotta say what movie it's from. What fucking, what?

It's the movie that ends with Mike Palmer being pummeled. He squirted us with a squirt gun. That's Monty Python and the Holy Grail. Ooh.

You guys heard of that one? Yes. Yeah. Okay.

Yeah, but if you said something like "We're the Knights of Knee" or, you know. Bring me a shrubbery. Bring me a shrubbery. Bring me a shrubbery.

Like some fucking hamster fucking quote. Smell the elderberries. That's a famous line. Bring out your dad.

I mean... He's almost dead. Yeah, like one of those things would have worked. Can we talk about how he didn't squirt anybody?

No, that's pretty good. Mike took that threat. Very serious. Just don't get my cigarette.

It's okay. I am serious and don't call me Shirley. Oh, I know this one. Airplane.

No, that would be naked gun. gun. Matthew? No, it's an airplane.

You sounded your thing. Naked gun. No, it's an airplane. It is an airplane.

That's no good. Yes, I am serious, and stop calling me Shirley. A hospital? What is it?

It's a little white building with nurses and doctors, but that's not important right now. They're 106 miles to Chicago. We have a full tank of gas. Yes, Gregory.

That would be the Blues Brothers. Correct. Very good. These are so age-appropriate.

Hey, I got the last one right, I just didn't do the fuckin' kazoo. That's the rules, I read the rules three times, Michael. I don't like these rules. Yeah.

Human sacrifice, dogs and cats, living together. Oh my God. Michael got that one right. Well, I think that we actually both did our-- What's the score?

It's 10-10? He's bigger than you and he's very angry. 10-10. And closer.

And fuck. It's not the years, honey, it's the mileage. well don't look over here cause this is we talked about the age at the beginning of the show it's not the years it's the mileage not the years honey it's the mileage family oh family vacation Raiders of the Lost Ark whoop oh wow I wouldn't have got that one yeah I would have these are going with the last one now like if you did you call him Dr. Jones doll or some shit like that right you know like some of the more infamous quotes from these movies that is a famous quote from the movie no Okay, anybody who's watching and you heard these, please chime in on the post later.

Okay, now the second category is cigar trivia. Okay. Okay, everybody okay with this? I think you did okay with the quotes.

I mean, you know, you fucked up on a couple, but it's okay. I said them correctly, you just didn't know what they were. All right, you can squirt Greg now. Don't squirt me.

Please don't squirt me. Please don't squirt me. Please don't squirt me. Squirt gun lasted really long.

Well, you got angry. Yeah. What did you expect? See, what Mike didn't know is it was filled with tequila.

" That's what it was for you! Oh, it would've changed everything. You just hit me right in the face with it. You should've opened your mouth.

" Okay, what is the darkest color cigar wrapper? Greg? Maduro? No.

The painted one. Was that a kazoobe drop? Because that's a kazoobe drop? I gotta go.

Because they exist. Official answer is Oscuro. Oscuro. Yeah, I believe you're correct.

Oscuro. Are you sure? Because I've seen some really painted cigars, and they're a lot darker than oscuros. What are the three parts of a hand-rolled cigar?

Finder, filler, wrapper. Very good, Matthew. Ten points. Ten points for Matthew.

Are you keeping score? Why are we talking about cigars? Ten, ten, ten. I haven't seen you write anything down.

Ten, ten, ten. Keep your score in my head. So who's winning? It's a tie at the moment.

It's a tie. I feel like I'm winning. Nope, wrong. No.

You bullied me to get rid of the squirt gun. Mike, get rid of the squirt gun. You're not going to bully your way to win. You're not going to bully yourself to win, dammit.

Are you sure I'm not winning? Why don't you take a look at that scoreboard again? Alright, next question. Fine, you can squirt me.

It's fine. What is the name of the tobacco grown in the United States that is most often used for high-quality cigar robes? Connecticut. Yeah, but you didn't blow the gazette.

There you go. Connecticut. Alright, now you're winning. happy?

20. Now you're winning. I don't really want to win. Cigars are categorized by their length and what other measurement?

It was a tie, so... Ring gauge? Yes, very nice. It was great.

Stole that one from you. So now you're losing. Just so you know. What is the optimum condition to...

Who am I? Wait, wait, wait. Who am I? It's a goose.

What movie? Yeah, that's what I thought. You're so angry. Liar, liar.

You're so angry. What's the optimum condition? I just got squirted in the face with the fucking gun. Just so you know, it's coming to Tupac.

No, it's coming to Tupac. No, it's coming to Tupac. It's about to be a showdown. I'll do a fight right here.

Oh, thanks. Very nice. Thanks, dude. Okay, what's the optimum conditions to store a cigar for any length of time?

Gregory? Gregory? Uh, 70 degrees, and 70 percent humidity. Very close.

You're half right. Matthew would like to try? So, refrigerator's a bad thing, then? The, uh, glove box of, uh, Corvette?

Yes, Matthew. 75 degrees? No, it's 65 degrees. Can you squirt me?

I went the other way. Sorry. Right in the face. You fucked up, Matt.

You fucked up. That's horrible. That's all the questions. So, um...

That has such a high... I'll even it up. That has such a high concentration of water that comes out, highest-powered dollar store. You know, like, it's not that bad when you see it coming.

When you know it coming. See, that's why the first one was so good. But he was like, "Nope," and then all of a sudden, fucking terrorism comes out. " Did he hold it sideways?

I thought I saw him. I'm pretty sure it was sideways. Gangster. Very gangster.

Alright, well, that was the game. -I feel like we're all winners because of it. -You're all winners, you're all winners. -That was a nice surprise, though.

-Building just fell down? -Yes, everything's broken. -All right, we do have one more little surprise, Michael. It just came today.

It's also a surprise to me. -Oh, really? -Yes. -A pallet of bang.

-We did receive another box and another letter from our friends at bang. -Oh! Call me to town! -See?

-Wow, you almost got me in the air. I think I might have gotten... -Oh, Star Blast. Are they completely canceling your sponsorship at this point?

We don't know. We don't know what we're going to say. There's one other flavor. One birthday cake.

Oh, birthday cake. What does that taste like? Did you read the note? Have you read the note yet?

Oh, yes, I've read the note. Oh, okay. What does birthday cake taste like? I have no idea.

I'll let you know after this letter. Dear Michael, happy birthday. We know how much you love the Starblast flavor and wanted to make sure you had some for your special day. We have enclosed one of the "Tastes Like Diabetes" Birthday Cakes all the time.

What is a birthday without some cake? Sincerely, Richie, head of Social Media. Aww. Richie?

Richie is such a nice guy. See, look, we're back. We're back. Mortimer.

We're back. What movie? Anybody? Anybody?

Anybody? Anybody? Yeah, what movie? I have no idea.

Man, my brother and I would be much better at this than you. Greg, tell them what movie. I have no idea. You don't know what movie that is?

It was an Eddie Murphy film, wasn't it? Yeah, Trading Places. Well, I mean, the characters were originally from Trading Places, but it happened. Oh, it happened in Coming to America.

Correct. Does that count as two correct answers? That's two correct answers, I think, for me. You now get to throw an ashtray at my point.

I can actually throw an axe. Wow. Rich. This is so nice.

That was nice. Oh, Richie. I might have got, I almost got swimmer's ear from that one shot of water to my, like, one centimeter over to the right. Well, you gotta give it at least 24 hours, then it develops into the swimmer's ear.

It takes that type of time. So, look, we still have sponsors for you. Well, I don't know, I got a birthday present. I don't know, I'm gonna dream the fuck out of those Starblasts.

I'm taking them home. No, I'll leave them. Aren't they technically Mike Palmer's? Weren't they giving him?

Yes, they're mine. They're dressed up. They are, but, like, you know, cigars left around here are technically his, too, and Starblasts left around here. Well, he gives it 24 hours, and then he picks them up.

Yeah, so tomorrow, those are open games. " I would ask before I took that one. You always ask. " Alright, well that's it, that's all I got.

No. Can't be over. That's it, totally got it. That's all you have?

Yes, that's it. Well, what do we have planned for your birthday? What's your birthday? What's going on?

What are we going to be doing to celebrate? And how old are you? Because we already did that. Oh, I arrived late.

Sorry. It's coming to America. It's coming to America. It's definitely coming to America.

So what are we doing? So I should squirt him. I don't know. What are you guys doing?

Mike actually looked for the squirt cut. " Goddamn squirt cut. Wow. What are we doing tomorrow?

We're having a little birthday party. Is there a theme? Yeah. Birthday.

Wait until you see the cake. Nice. Yeah. That's...

Listen... Is it shaped like a squirt gun? I just wanted to know that. Shaped like a can of bang?

You know, so my wife is amazing, and I got a picture of exactly how this is supposed to be displayed, so we'll put it up. Oh, this is displayed! We will... I'll put it up and we'll post it on the, on the Scarsers Podcast Instagram.

Is there instructions for the cake? Oh yeah. Wow. Does it need to be lit?

Uh, well, I mean, eventually when you... Like smoke comes out of it? No, no, no, no. Flashing lights?

No flashing lights. No flashing lights. Okay, that's all right. No flashing lights.

Maybe next year. You may have swimmers here. My eyes are burning. I mean, they are on fire.

Well, it is actually tequila. It is tequila. It actually is tequila. That's why I thought Michael would let it get squirted in the face.

Yeah, it is a little smokier in here. Well, there are four people smoking. I don't think it's that bad. You're Cuban.

I was born in this. This is your life. However, if there's a photo of you with the rest of your family, you look adopted. Because I look like the only Cuban one.

It is true. Yeah, that's that reason. Yes. Yeah.

So, there's that. Are you going to be anywhere? Are you doing any events or anything? Am I doing any events?

Do I want to plug anything? Yeah. Do I want to plug anything? I mean, nothing's coming up right now.

I mean, we've got to plan a road show. See that? He doesn't do anything. Totally unprepared.

Totally unprepared. Totally unprepared. Totally unprepared. Fashion Sandinista.

Reading his Rob reports. Sandinista. I'll let you borrow him. It's okay.

I think he'd appreciate it. Living his best life. Well, I'm completely clueless. Clueless.

You guys are going on the road? I have no idea. When are you guys going on the road? Next week, yeah.

Where are we going? Where the wind takes us. Well, it's funny because the other day, actually, I had a memory that came up on my Facebook that was us on the road, and it's like, man, we really got to know each other. And then every time I eat string cheese, which isn't often, Or if I eat everything of those, there's everything pretzel chips.

Love 'em. It's amazing. It's just... Makes you think of Michael.

It does. Build your own charcuterie board. That's right. Charcuter.

Charcuter. Just because you're on the road doesn't mean you have to eat like you're on the road. Exactly. Like a heathen.

Be a little bougie. All right. That's it. All right.

Well, hey, Michael. Yes, Michael. Happy birthday, brother. Thank you, Michael.

You know, this is... Thank you. I appreciate you guys. Oh, my God.

I wouldn't have missed it. Thank you very much. Sorry you all got squirted in the face. Mike Schwartzman back.

And here we are. And here we are. Was it everything you thought it would be? Oh yes, it was hilarious.

I don't think they enjoyed it or not, I had a good time. Mike's gonna have this on replay at the house. I mean, just for the record, to get Greg on here was not easy. It's a big deal.

He doesn't like this shit. Don't like it at all. I'm uncomfortable. I'm very uncomfortable.

I don't like this one bit. Don't like it at all. We're gonna put a block on your face. That would actually be great if you could also beep out everything that I've said.

It's sad, so all they can see is basically a shirt, and every time I lean into the mic, there's no audio. No, it's the Kazoos sound. It's the Kazoos sound. Oh, the Kazoos sound would be great.

The lead chime blow doesn't work. Is that really how Kazoos work, that you have to hum into them? Yes. It makes a little piece of plastic on the top vibrator.

Really? I thought you just... Oh. Hmm.

How Kazoos work? That's yours to take home, Michael. I'm really excited about that. You know, thank you.

Was that in the budget? You're an amazing man. Hey, Michael. We have a very...

How's that old number one treating you, Ben? This old number one is so amazing. Oh, good, gosh. Glad I brought it.

It's Ecuadorian, Connecticut. That's right. Not USA, Connecticut. Not USA, Connecticut.

The number one wrapper. Premium. Premium tobacco used in the United States. Yeah.

65 degrees. Not 70. Raiders of the Lost Ark. 70 humidity.

Right. Can we do another game show? I'm just really excited that Bang doesn't hate us. Did you say about that for a second?

There was no mention of you in the letter. Oh, but there was. But there was. There were undertones because they described the birthday cake the same way that someone did.

Tastes like diabetes. Here's this birthday cake for you. Maybe they have a good sense of humor. Hopefully.

Yeah. Didn't you say that they're sponsored by Arnold now? They picked up Schwarzenegger? I saw Arnold do an Instagram post.

Yes. They have a new flavor coming out, too. Arnold? Is it flavored like Arnold?

Yes. It's a contest. Everybody's guessing what it is. Hmm.

Austrian. South Florida. That's right. It tastes Austrian.

I can see the connection there. Yeah. South Florida, Austrian. No, I was talking about Arnold Schwarzenegger.

So it tastes like sauerkraut did in sauerkraut. That's a very racist thing. Cultural, I like to say. It was more cultural than racist.

Yeah, that's what I was thinking too. It's not really an insult. Maybe we get Arnold on the podcast. Set us all straight.

And just serve sauerkraut. Do you feel comfortable with sauerkraut? I watched a YouTube video of him taking a protein shake recently, and he's like, you know, oh, we put a little, he does like almond milk or some shit, and he's like, we put a little egg in there, and he just takes the egg, and throws the entire fucking egg shell at all. With the shell?

Oh, yeah. Oh, egg provides, apparently the shell provides a little additional calcium. Yeah, jeez. Fiber.

Fiber, exactly. Yeah, fiber, exactly. Okay. He likes his crunchy.

So, like, he's, what, at 70-something years old? I still wouldn't fuck with that guy. I thought he was big on the whole vegetarian, vegan. He did one video where he put schnapps in it too.

I don't know. Yeah. Something about it opening up or something. I don't know.

There's probably actually a reason for it. So now I'm going to get shit-faced every time I approach him. Fucking hammered. Can you sub tequila for schnapps?

Hey, you know what? Whatever works. Until somebody tells me no, we're going to take that stab. So, alright.

Well, hey, again. Alright, we'll wrap this up. All right, we'll wrap this up. Happy birthday!

Happy 75th birthday, Mike. Happy birthday, Palmer. I look very good for 75. You don't look a day over 35.

That's right. Oh, thank you very much. It's amazing. All right, it's been episode...

88? 88. 88. Thanks, everybody.

Heathers. Heathers. Go home and watch the movie. Go home and watch Heathers.

Heathers. Yes. You know, what we should have talked about is the fact that you ripped apart fucking power. Like, I don't know how, you know...

Oh, the show. You said that the show's terrible. Yeah, you did say that earlier. I haven't even seen one episode.

I haven't even seen one episode. I feel you're wrong. It's falling apart. If I watch an episode on TV too long, 'cause it starts replaying the same storyline just with different people.

I get bored with it quickly. It's just different sex. Yeah, but I feel like if it's not an '80s action adventure, you're not going to want to watch it. That's true.

They need more gunfights. Right. Less sex in that movie. Yeah.

'Cause the gunfights are just "pfft" and then somebody's dead naturally. That's usually how it works. Yeah. That's not real enough for me.

I don't know. Lethal Weapon, there's a lot of gunfights. I was about to reference Lethal Weapon. That would probably be like top two films for you.

It's definitely way up there. Oh, yeah. Mel Gibson, Danny Glover. Yeah.

I love that one. All four of them. So, was Lethal Weapon about Danny Glover or was it about Mel Gibson? Neither one.

What was it about? Well, it depends on which one. I'm talking the original. The original?

The original. Well, I liked the one that had the South Africans in it the most. That was number three. I believe it was three.

That is true. I like that one the best. Yeah. But number one was about- Number one's a lot of background and about anyone to kill himself and- But it wasn't about Mel Gibson, it was about Danny Glover.

No, not really. Yeah, it was a movie about a cop that was going to retire and was going to do over this shit. Yeah, Mel Gibson was not the star of that movie. I don't think you're wrong.

You don't think that it was about the interaction of the two police officers and how their personalities collided and yet they were still successful through all of the gunfights? Those are all side stories. The main story was Danny Glover still staying a cop and growing as a person. Wow, that's really deep.

Yeah, a little too deep. No, that's a real fespian look at it. Well, we're writing a screenplay. That's right, Matt.

We're writing a screenplay now. That's inappropriate. Yeah, save the cat. I thought that we were going to write a screenplay, Michael.

Hey, you're part of this as well. You've got to come around a little. That's all. Man, here we are.

So did he bring it up? He brought it up on one of the trips? Who? The screenplay?

With you and him? Yeah. He must have acted fast enough because he brought it up on one of our trips. Well, I'm just saying, Matt.

Mike is dating for information from Matt right now. Matt right now, he wants to know who's the more important friend. And also, from day one, I always said, create content. Get that face on film.

Palmer is still thinking, right now, does he like him more than he likes me? What is going on here? If there's some way that we can have Greg narrate all of Michael's thoughts all the time, that would be awesome. And here's Michael Palmer, thank you.

You're not allowed back on the show anymore. Next birthday, just us three. Maybe just us two. Oh, Greg.

Just Greg, not in the room. Miking in. What is Mike really trying to say? He gets a monitor.

Now he's trying to decide if Mike thinks his hair looks bad. Do you think that is the screenplay going to be Cigar Hustler? Something with that? No, we got some ideas.

It's mostly a Mel Gibson film. It's really actually not about the buzz interactions, it's about how Michael, it's about how a police officer grows as a man and remains a police officer after he decides he wants to retire. Exactly, that's exactly it. Are we gonna do a screenplay conversation?

I'm getting too old for this shit. Are we gonna do a podcast about screenplays? Sure. Yeah.

Why don't you do a screenplay about podcasts? Why don't we do a dome within the dome? Like Biodome. Yes.

There would be another quote that somebody would be able to reference. Yeah, a dome within the dome. You've seen Biodome? Have you seen Biodome?

No. Yes, I have, actually. Yeah? Good for you.

Would you have gotten that quote? No. I mentioned a couple of quotes. I've never seen that movie.

I love that we just added 10 minutes today. It's about how all of our social levels in this room- You know what happens is, as we shut down, I'm like, why don't we talk about this? We should have talked about this more. I think we should have talked about it.

It's a cigar podcast, but it's not about fucking cigars. Why are you kidding me? Okay. Imagine if that thing, are you kidding me?

What I'm saying is, what would you have done, like right now, if you weren't doing this? Oh, I have not. No idea? I'd be at home.

No, but I'm just saying, this has got to be nice for your birthday. Oh, it is. This is great. Yes.

Glad to be here. Do you think that if it wasn't for the cigar shop, and now this podcast, and all the other adventures that we do, you'd be divorced again, or? I'm not gonna answer that question. I would not answer that question.

My wife doesn't listen. As counsel, I would advise you to not answer that question. She doesn't listen. Come on.

No, but other people that know her do it. " Oh. You know Mike's thinking about this. So the answer is no, obviously.

No. Right? Yeah. That's interesting.

I always ask people who are wiser than me. No. " I don't know. He believes that you are wiser than himself.

I do. A little compliment. Michael just did a show the other day and they asked him, So, between the three jobs he has, which is the selling cigars, the wholesaling of cigars, what I guess- Wholesale, retailer, or the podcast, which one, if I had to give them all up and do one, which one would I do? And?

That's a good question. The answer is the podcast. Really? Yeah.

Why is that? It's the most fun. You know what's funny about podcasts? What?

That you can literally make it about anything. Like, this has been nothing. I don't even know what we're talking about right now. This is actually Greg's podcast.

Podcast. Twist! Yeah. Wow.

Alright, I'm done now. We've been doing this for two years about nothing. That's unreal. Two years.

Two years of nothing. The Patreon's awesome, though. That's really dope, too. So, nice, authentic reviews.

Yes. Alright, Mike is going to take a moment and thank Greg and Matt for coming and doing the show yesterday. Thank you very much, guys. You're great friends.

This has been a Cigar Hustlers Podcast, a Mike and Mike production. m. for all new episodes. Hi, I'm doing, I'm Husto-E-Raw.

Yeah, we just don't have to do a single, uh, single podcast ever again, ever. I'm good, Mike and Mike. How are you guys doing? I don't even have to try to interact.

We're gonna, we're gonna cover a lot of ground here, Mike. All right. Try to keep up. That's a sign of a good podcast.

It could be like four cigars when I walked in a door. All right, end this.

Show Notes

It is the biggest Show of the Year!!  The long awaited" Mike Too" Birthday Show!!  All the fun and games associated with my Birthday!!  We do some news, Show update and the first ever "Cigar Hustler Podcast Game Show"!!

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